Is accusations of jealousy a way to control women?

[JealousOrFair]

Hi all,

So I want some perspective. I unfortunately come from a family/relatives that can be real misogynists in my opinion. so I don’t know whether I’m the problem or they are..

For the past god know how many years, every time I had an issue with a relative/friend who they know... and tried to reasonably express that, I would be accused by my mother, and relatives of being jealous of that girl.

If I had the same problem with a guy I would’ve been still dismissed.. but accusations of jealousy wouldn’t have arised.

It has been such a horrible way of me being isolated, silenced, and made to feel inferior. When in reality, I really am not that type.

I’m not the type to ever get jealous if someone has something better than me.. I find it an alien concept and extremely petty to get jealous over things like looks, background, and so on... to the point of malicious digging.

I have a broad range of friends who I willingly admit to the world that they’re better than me at certain things, but I just never compare myself in deregatory ways to others especially not on petty things.

I’m quite successful in my own life.. but I noticed the more successful I became the more certain people became adamant that I’m jealous of them.. at times it actually baffles me because I genuinely don’t feel inferior to them in any way and don’t feel like I am jealous...

But it has been happening sooo much that I’m starting to doubt myself.. am I not seeing it, am I in denial? Why is it happening so frequently??? That I get accused of this and many of those around me and close to me are now led to believe it.

My SIL was convinced of this before she even met me.. my brother told me.

It’s put me off forming relationships with many people because I feel like if they believe I’m jealous of them then they probably believe they’re superior and I don’t like such relationships.

But this avoidance from me is strengthening their narrative and they’re just more convinced and convincing others that I’m “jealous”.

I feel almost certain that I’m not jealous.. I feel like this all belongs to the school playground..

I just don’t know how to prove I’m not.. and it’s making me so lonely.

I’m actually so busy with my life. Have responsibilities. Good house. Good husband. Good credentials.

I have been sooooo kind to certain girls, and they usually ended up accusing me of being jealous, to get other people around me to see me as inferior.. which led me to be baffled and back away... which then led those girls to insist that this is because I’m jealous.

So anyway this is a very weird dynamic for me. I’m my group of friends I don’t hang around girls who think in this petty way... I never did. So I haven’t developed skills to deal with this..

But these are relationships with people that came into my life as an adult.. who I’m forced to deal with due to relations and circumstances. Who I wouldn’t choose to be friends with. And they ALL seem united on the fact I’m jealous of them. Almost every single one..

So .. is it me? Am I just jealous and am in denial? Has anyone dealt with this and managed ?

The reasons I don’t think I’m jealous is because these are actually girls I’ve gone out of my way because I wished I could be friends with them... I went out of my way to make them feel welcomed in the family.. went out of my way to make them know I’m there for them if they need anything...

But they constantly made digs at me.. and so I had to drift off.. and they don’t seem to like it.

I’m fact one of them admitted that she is jealous of me and was treating me like crap because she couldn’t help it. I told I I don’t trust her and want my distance from her... but didn’t go slandering her... but she did! She told everyone I was jealous.

I had only informed my mother of the conversation between us and how she admitted she was being malicious due to being jealous of me... so my mother still believes I’m the one jealous of her... because I refuse to be her friend

Hmm. Actually I’d describe someone repeatedly being told that they are “jealous” as a form of bullying. This reminds me of some mean girls I knew when I was 13.

You’ve said that you’ve befriended some girls (to the extent that they were made welcome in the family) but then realised that they weren’t the people you thought they were. This is okay.

When someone says that you are jealous, could you look bemused and say that actually, you just aren’t that interested? It’s probably what I would do.

You’ve referred to “girls” a few times, making me think that you may still be quite young (although my mum still refers to women in their seventies as girls). I wonder whether you could just do the “not interested” brush off every time - avoid reacting as presumably the word “jealous” is now quite triggering for you.

If you are older, it may be that you’ve got into a weird toxic dynamic within a group and may want to cut out a few people.

It is often spouted on here as a reason why someone is being treated badly "don't worry, they're just jealous" it's so easy to throw out without actually looking it the issue, it's a very lacy reply.

It's also a shit view of women, that they can only be disgruntled because they're jealous, not because they have a genuine reason. It's like saying all women are hitches.

Sorry, so many typos!

I’m in my twenties. I know this makes me sound like I’m in a school playground.. which is why I’m so baffled.

The people calling me jealous are my mums age, from their 40s to 50s accusing me about ladies my age or less... I’ve even been accused of being jealous of a 10 year old.

I probably shouldn’t say girls.. I was mostly triggered because of this 10 year old girl situation who my own mother thinks I’m jealous of... so I guess that’s why I used girls.

I don’t know.. it’s been coming from multiple sources but within same umbrella type of people who I generally consider to be highly sexist and within family/relative dynamic . I wonder whether there is a link?

I would actually consider myself very comfortable in my own skin.. too comfortable that I end up being transparent pointing out my own flaws as a joke.. and those ladies I’m accused to be jealous of usually use those against me. Make digs.. and I usually laugh it off..

I actually think they’re trying to make me jealous... teasing me about things I don’t care about (my hair my looks so on)... I never even judged them.. I just took it as, they’ve got a weird sense of humour..

I wasn’t ever interested in creating a silly rumour about them being jealous even though it would’ve sounded soo credible if I did.. it’s just seemed so childish and like a petty competition..

I just drifted away because their friendly ways didn’t suit me and my level of self respect...

I don’t think I have ever displayed any malicious behaviour stemming from jealousy..

I just don’t understand why soooo many people are convinced I am or are desperate to prove that I am..

And I don’t know how to defend myself because I just don’t want to be close to those ladies/girls and it’s strengthenjnf the narrative.

I guess I’m just gonna be always known in my circle of people as “the jealous one”.. I have to accept it.. and keep it to formalities.

But it’s caused me to lose out on relationships I would’ve loved to have in my life.

I keep wondering whether there is a better solution than to be known as the jealous girl who has the green eyed monster and wants to grab what you have because she is insecure and feels inferior.

I don’t recognise myself in this definition.. I just don’t know what everyone else is seeing that I’m not :S

Are you talking in a derogatory way about these girls / women in front of the people that are calling you jealous?
How does it come about?

Kaytee.. hmm haven’t thought about it.

Yes accusations of jealousy does come about after I had made it clear I dislike the person.. by keeping my distance and informing my family that I dislike them because of so and so.

I don’t slander. But if I’m accused of being jealous I do end up going down the route of explaining why I think she is mean and can’t be trusted. Only to those close to me.

I don’t go around slandering though. It’s just one or two people that r pressuring me to be “friends” after I made an effort usually answer it backfired in my face

For example, I informed my mother that I wanted to keep my distance from sil who started the relationship by having an EA with my brother while he was engaged to my friend. I had given the relationshio a chance as we all make mistakes but every time I speak to sil she seems absolutely possessive and tries to get under my skin. At my brothers wedding she was insisting to choose what I wear and what my mum wears and she made so much comments about my appearance which were highly provocative. My hair, my make up, my body after pregnancy.So I backed away. Apparently she is complaining to my brother that she is trying to be friends and I’m not and thinks im jealous of her. But In all honesty I believe she doesn’t want to be friends at all. There is more that she has done but it’s outing. I have never engaged in conflict with or or engaged in the drama. I just simply don’t feel like being friends and because I don’t I’m being accused of jealousy.

Another example is my step mum, she has been absolutely vile to me. I never spoke badly of her. But throughout my teen years she was absolutely vile. I confronted her and never told my parents. When I did she admitted she was jealous of me because I remind my dad of my mother. I sympathised but told her I don’t trust her no more and don’t want to be friends. I backed away and stopped being able to spend time with my dad. I informed my parents v briefly what had happened. Both of them know.. they excused her... and then because I insisted on not being on friendly terms with her, I’m being told I’m jealous. And my entire dads family are trying to counsel me to not be jealous. I wasn’t very good with words and so couldn’t express myself about how she treated me but they knew that for years I was crying my eyes out from her.

It is mostly that every time I don’t want to be close and friendly to someone that my parents want to be close to, I get accused of jealousy and all my relatives form that judgement.

My sil from my husbands side, hated me. She made her family ostracise me and my husband at a time when we were so vulnerable because I had spoken to her about her attitude with me - which she admitted but was too much of a princess’s to admit.

She hurt me soo badly. Even though I was her support for many years. So I told her that I don’t think I can be close anymore and that my reasons were that I couldn’t trust her to not slander me and gang up on me unfairly.

She continues to create such drama in my life. Obviously, I would need to say details for posters to judge.. but I’m just giving examples that she completely behaved mean and so I stayed polite with her but don’t want her being in a personal relationship with me like before (we used to go shopping..).

Im being accused by her family that I’m jealous. They seem convinced. I had Never spoken ill of her until my decision to stay away from her when I informed my husband that I believe she isn’t to be trusted. Dh agrees with me. His family firmly believe I’m jealous but the way they behave around me looks to me more like they’re jealous ..

But my mother believes them. Because she seems to think I have the jealous streak. :S

A female family friend used to sleep over every now and then at my house..

Then she got a bit flirtatious with my husband and he was extremely aware and informed me himself and I saw it with my eyes.

This friend had been a long term friend.

So I stopped inviting her to my house and started meeting up outside. This didn’t go so well and she seems offended.

Again I was never rude with her. I only informed my family that I couldn’t host her in my house because I felt she was disrespectful on multiple occasions..

This is after I had spoken to her directly and told her that she wasn’t behaving respectfully in-front of DH. I told her he was uncomfortable. I made it clear that I don’t think she meant it and was just unaware. I did not inform anyone except the lady directly but in a very mild way.

All this knowing that she is very very protective of the men in her life when around me.. even though I have never ever been interested and hardly ever see them.. so I assumed she would understand that even though DH is a friendly guy and we don’t have such possessiveness issues but that she was to keep things toned down as he isn’t used to for example her asking him wether she thinks she is pretty or whatnot..

I’m being accused by the entire family/relatives who have been friends with this woman for ages that I’m jealous. I hadn’t ever been. I used to go out of my way to make her welcomed and compliment her but just didn’t expect her to start seeking weird attention from my DH. By the admission of her mother she enjoys male attention to an unnecessary level, and I never judged. It just didn’t suit me and when I backed away from letting her be in my personal space, then her mother started spreading rumours that I’m jealous of her daughter. I had never spread rumours about her daughter. I just want to keep my personal life a bit private and she doesn’t like it. As her mother is a close family friend now my family think I’m jealous :S.

Your family, on both sides, don't sound that great tbh. It's hard when a dynamic gets in place. I was always considered dozy and not a proper grown up by my family. It annoys me but happens less now.

Also that I was the easy one who wasn't bothered and just went along with things, when actually because I didn't scream and cry like other members of my family, my feelings were just being ignored. This still happens.

I would say avoid big family get togethers, and try and see people more one in one. Don't make a big deal of it, just come up with an excuse.

Stop talking about the people who you don't see, avoid the topic. Don't declare that you don't want someone at your house, and let your whole family know, that's overly dramatic.

Just avoid contact with both sils as much as you can, and if you happen to see them at someone else's house, talk about the weather and leave early.