Hello,
Currently really struggling. Will try to be concise but also try not to miss anything out. As a 5 year old I lost both grandmothers in the same year within 4 months of each other. Neither were old, both late 50s. Both fought cancer very hard. I have memories of how ill and frail they both looked at the end and try and put these images to the back of my mind. I feel I've blocked many bad memories of their deaths out over the years and have never allowed myself to dwell on them. If I sit long enough and think about them I really cry very hard and the sadness is overwhelming. I was very close to both of them.
Fast forward to more recently...I had a very traumatic birth with my son. He was fine once he arrived but by age 4 we noticed social /emotional issues arising. Now age 7 he has been permanently excluded from school for violent outbursts. School hadn't had appropriate support in place (that's another story!) and we feel he has been let down. He is hard work although loving, bright and can be delightful. Various agencies have worked him and vanished, leaving us in effect totally abandoned. We try our best with him, he does many extracurricular activities to help him socially. He seems popular on the surface but struggles to maintain meaningful relationships with other children. He can come across as moody, defiant, won't share, gets annoyed easily. Not a spiteful boy by any means. I've found that as I've been dealing with my sons issues, the horrible and scary flashbacks of my grandmothers deaths are becoming vivid in my mind. I don't know whether there is a link as I'm very stresses at the moment.
So today we met up with some friends (who were at the same school with him) and I sat there with the mums while a few of the kids cold-shouldered him and ran off laughing and wouldn't let him join in. He was standing there looking perplexed and saying "but I haven't done anything, mummy". My heart could have shattered into two. This evening I've sat down and cried and just miss my grandmothers. Both of them so so much. It feels like I'm grieving in a delayed way. Feel very anxious, isolated scared for my son. He is waiting to begin a new school in September. I'm so worried how he will cope. I'm struggling with my emotions and just want to leave it all for someone else to deal with!
I don't make much sense sorry!
Sorry for the rambling!