Telling boss about IVF treatment

[Hennysmommy]

I am currently off for the summer hols with our 5yr old DS and have been started a cycle of IVF. Problem is before I broke up for the summer I never mentioned this to my work as I assumed treatment would be over as, with my DS we did the same. Now its coming close to returning to work and the cycle will NOT be over as planned and I will have many more appointments during work time. (im currently half way through cycle having started meds etc). The advice I need it how to tell my boss? what do I say? I will need to phone as the boss as she too is on leave for the summer. Would be grateful of any advice thanks in advance. X

Just tell her exactly that. If you don't want anyone else at work to know then tell her that too. Put it in an email if you think you'll find it easier than a conversation.

I've heard advice on here sometimes to just say you've got medical appointments but at my place of work you have to provide the appointment letter if you want it to be paid leave.

My work place' s policy is that IVF appointments will be unpaid leave, however my boss put all mine through as paid which was great (I've never had a day off sick nor any other times for any appointment - I make doctor's/dentist appointments for weekends/ evening and moved house over a weekend when we are actually entitled to a day's paid leave) but ivf just has to be when it is.

Thank you for the advice. Im realky worried about telling the boss. Im scared she will say i cant go to appointments or not be sympathetic. I do hope its not unpaid leave we have already started saving for maternity leave and thats leaving us very short of money but id rather be short now than on maternity leave.

Ivf is such a grey area isn't it. I felt really guilty every time I was off for an appointment (even though my boss was very supportive) because it was a 'choice'. It's not like we're going to appointments for our health but at the same time its not like taking time off for cosmetic surgery!

It just is what it is - and bloody unfair that we have to feel bad about being off work (possibly unpaid) to do something that others can do in their own time much more enjoyably!!!!

Depends on the norm for your work place, but I would definitely put it in an email then. Explain that you had planned the timing around your holiday but unfortunately it hasn't gone to plan and you will need some time off to attend appointments. Let her know roughly when they will be if you know yet or explain that you will only be able to give days notice for appointments. At least in an email she will know that her response is recorded so will have to act in accordance with the absences policy.

Do you work in a school? You should be able to see the policy if needed (although may not be specific to IVF).

I don't know about if she refused you time off. May be worth posting in legal or asking some one who works in HR. It would be incredibly mean of her not to give you the time, but then I have worked for some awful people so wouldn't put it past some.

Do you work in a school? Send an email to the head/HR if so and just ask clearly what the policy is.

It really is a grey area but its something that is out of my control its the only way in getting pregnant. Ive been getting horrible side affects to the meds so I cant put it an end date on treatment yet. Yes i work in a school and dont have any ones email addresses to drop an email to them and they dont like staff contacting HR they go mad. i feel like im in a bit of a pickle and with all the hormones in my body i feel awful. Thanks for the advice everyone it is appreciated and helpful.

I made the mistake of telling my employer about IVF. I should simply have said ‘gynae’.
I ended up suing for pregnant discrimination. I won.

Hopefully this won’t be you. Your decision depends on how confident you are that nothing negative will happen.

Good luck with the IVF.

@Mochame sorry you had such a bad experience, im so worried this could end up bad for me too.

I'm also inclined to say it would be better to say medical appointments, especially if you're somewhere with a toxic attitude towards staff speaking to HR. Doesn't really bode well.

Nobody is entitled to paid leave to attend medical appointments, although some employers choose to provide it. I assume if you work in a school you can't make the time up (not sure if you're teaching staff or in a role where time could be made up)?

What's their issue with HR?

@minibroncs thanks for the advice. i work in a school but just a TA support. I have worked for the same council for 8 years now and I told HR about the IVF from previous child (was at another school at the time) and to be honest they was great, had no trouble and ive always had a good relationship with HR as with old job Manager was amazing. However this new school seem to act like HR are the Devil and even time off just to attend appointments for my son the teachers say things like "they will be after you for time back... They watch us all the time... When you use your key fob on the door they know your start times and finish etc etc etc..." this isnt one of the things im worried about to be honest they can sack me for all i care, its the fact that im normally a very private person and this is something im unlikely to want to discuss with just only work colleagues as its non of their business and i dont have a close relationship with anyone there. So all this makes it difficult. If the IVF plans had worked my treatment would be at an end next week 😢 and i wouldnt have to be stressed right now. 😢

Well it isn't a medical issue. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but it isn't. I get that it's the most important thing in your life right now, but you need some perspective.

Would be ok to pick up a colleagues workload because they wanted to have a baby?

Sometimes I think that we are losing perspective on the purpose of work. Some people seem to think that a job is like a hobby and you can just piss around, taking days off whenever you feel like it.

"Mental health day"

"My kid has a dentist appointment"

"My dog is sick"

"I feel depressed"

"I'm off due to stress"

Take IVF out of the question and imagine asking your boss this . .

"Hey boss, can I have every Wednesday off for the next six weeks, no not annual leave, I just want to do something, and if I can manage it, in a little while, I'll also demand nine months off, with pay. And when I come back I'll need lots of other random days off without notice. Basically, for the next three years, you'll never know when/if I will come into work.

I still demand that you pay me though.

Is that ok?

Thanks.

I'm sure you'll get the time off. But if your work can do without you all that time, do they even you there in the first place?

Wow @t0getherindreams

@T0getherindreams. Wow.. Excuse me... Im sorry i cant just have a quick shag with someone during my non working hours and get pregnant like some lucky women... Instead I'll have injections 2 times a day, 1 tablet three times a day and a camera and a nurses fingers shoved up me to see if im ready for an embryo. Im not demanding ti be paid its just another worry im sure other women will understanding after paying thousands for treatment i also have to make sure im financially ok during maternity leave. Ill have you know ive worked all my life i went back after having a miscarriage l, ectopic pregnancy and OHSS. My baby was 6 months old when i went back to work. Im not taking the piss all i'd like is the chance to have another baby and unfortunately for thousands of women like me that have to endure loss and false hope we have no choice to take this route so forgive me for wanting some thing rhat some wonen take for granted everyday. Rant over lol and thank you to everyone with helpful and useful advice. This is not a chat to disrespect women who cannot have babies naturally. (and men of course ☺).

Oh and to add to the rant... Yes it is a medical issue. Would you dare say that to a woman who has had cancer treatment and left infertile who then needs ivf to fulfil her dreams of a family. What about those who have no Ovaries or tubes from loss of babies etc etc. What about kids with leukemia who will be infertile. Heaven forbid your kids will meet one of those kids who survived and want a family together. Infertility needs to be understood and treated with dignity and respect. Unless you understand keep nasty opinions to yourself

@ T0getherindreams "Hey boss, can I have every Wednesday off for the next six weeks, no not annual leave, I just want to do something, and if I can manage it, in a little while, I'll also demand nine months off, with pay. And when I come back I'll need lots of other random days off without notice. Basically, for the next three years, you'll never know when/if I will come into work.

Oh and its not like this because appointments will be once a week probs for only another 3 weeks in the mean time I will be working my full working days and full hours everyday 8.00 until 4.30. Because just like other women undergoing TREATMENT we do manage to fully functional like "normal" women even on ivf drugs. And like in my very first post i started this treatment during the six week hols OUT of school time. And i might not get to take off nine months much to your delight. In any case i shouldnt be justifying myself to you when ive done nothing wrong.

Well it isn't a medical issue. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but it isn't. I get that it's the most important thing in your life right now, but you need some perspective.

You're the one who needs perspective, or are you really advocating women unable to conceive normally be denied the opportunity to reproduce? Your insensitivity is breathtaking.

Good luck @Hennysmommy , hope you have the pitter patter of tiny feet in the near future

Well said, OP.

I hope @T0getherindreams never encounters a single medical issue and needs time off work, otherwise they might be in for a shock.

WRT your OP if you're not comfortable telling your boss the full truth, "gynae issues" is a good excuse without outright lying. Otherwise, the factual way you have worded it in your OP is fine.

Best of luck with the treatment.

I also highly doubt women enjoy the process but are prepared to endure to fulfil their hopes and dreams. It's a beautiful thing, and so selfless. Then you talk about nine months "holiday", I'm pretty sure there's easier things one could do, getting knocked up for nine month's holiday is laughable. Oh and three years-ish of shitty nappies, lack of sleep, numerous medical appointments etc etc.

Then you actually bring mental health into it. Ridiculous.

Thank you @SimplySteveRedux

"But if your work can do without you all that time, do they even you there in the first place?" lets just hope @T0getherindreams doesnt end up hearing this very quote from her boss if they need medical assistance in the future.

Discusting bringing mental health in the discussion and especially with those shocking opinions. I wonder what @T0getherindreams classification of a medical issue is and if they understand the life long complications and complex needs a medical condition brings.

@T0getherindreams have you had IVF?

That vicious, vile, truly nasty, disrespectful poster has just shown you exactly why you shouldn’t tell your boss the personal, sensitive, genuine reason

How incredibly depressing that she (I’m assuming female) felt it necessary to be so negative.