Racism

[ammukaru]

Hi, today when putting my 3 year old daughter to sleep, I said I love her. She replied ‘you don’t love me, I have brown skin’. She goes to nursery and we are Indian. I’m so upset

Do you think a nursery staff said this to her?

Of course not.

It might have been another child though.

I can't imagine any nursery staff saying this even if they were horrendously racist it would be a sackable offence

How would another 3 year old say this coz she related me saying I love you to her having brown skin. So clearly someone has said exactly that to her. If she just said she has brown skin, it’s fine. I understand children start to notice physical differences at this age, but the relation between love and skin?

Did you not ask her where she had heard it?

I did but she was so sleepy she said coz she was not listening and then slept off. I did not want to put words in her mouth by saying names

Am I being too sensitive?

I would try and ask her again tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of it. I think it is very unlikely nursery staff would say anything that could be considered racist.

Children pick up all sorts and she may have misunderstood what another child said, they are still developing their language and understanding. I understand it must be worrying but unless there are more similar comments or behaviour that suggests she is being picked on because she is Indian, I wouldn't focus on it too much.

I would want to know who put these ideas into her head and I would mention it to the nursery (assuming daughter tells you who said it).

We're a mixed family and our daughter went to a good private nursery at some point (between 3-3.5yrs). At home we would hear: "I don't like papa because he's black", "we don't play with black children"and "I'm white like mama).
She was saying these things without much emotion attached, almost as if repeating what someone else said. We asked her about it but we couldn't really figure out where she heard that or why she's saying such things. Spoke to the teachers who were shocked and refused to acknowledge that there's any possibility that she heard that at nursery ( having a zero tolerance policy is enough for them to turn a blind eye to such things happening).
After she left the nursery we never heard those things again, thank goodness. We suspect the racism actually came from the Asian kids in her group and was directed at on (and only) boy of black/African origin.
So not sure how much you will achieve talking to her or the staff. But even if they deny it, it is an opportunity for them to talk to children about differences and respect. I bought a book for the nursery about children from different cultures in hope that it may help to open kids' minds a bit. There are quite a few books out there on this topic. At the same time you need to talk to her about these things and empower and prepare her for what's coming. Sadly, the society is very racist and there is a lot of unconscious bias and beliefs people have. Sooner or later she will have to face that and if she's slightly prepared I hope it will make it easier for her. Or at least make her feel comfortable to talk to you about it.
Sorry for writing so much, it's something I feel very passionately about and it makes me so sad to hear about what children of colour have to go through in this country and what detrimental impact racism has on people's lives, opportunities and mental health.

@rainbowBug

At the same time you need to talk to her about these things and empower and prepare her for what's coming. Sadly, the society is very racist and there is a lot of unconscious bias and beliefs people have. Sooner or later she will have to face that and if she's slightly prepared I hope it will make it easier for her.

I couldn't agree more.

ammukaru
Am I being too sensitive?
You are definitely not being too sensitive.

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to her, that sounds trite/insufficient, can't think what else to say.

Now would be a good time to invest in lots of positive role models in books, film, tv family etc. Make sure she sees lots of positive stories

We have had similar, children at my sons nursery were stopping him playing on the outside equipment as he has “dirty brown skin”. The nursery staff member I spoke to wasn’t great, so I spoke to the school govenors (it’s part of a primary school), they were able to determine that it was happening when a certain member of staff was supervising outdoor play, she was fully investigated and fired.

I’m well aware that he will always be at a disadvantage due to his skin colour, but I had hoped it would start at four years old.

Even if you raise a complaint to the teachers noone is going to admit they said that. Watch how your daughter interacts with everyone at nursery. Thats usually a telling sign. Also, how are you being sensitive?? Its more about how your daughter feels about her skin to be able to say something like that. Poor thing.

Thanks for your advice everyone. Going to talk to her nursery staff when I pick her up today. Even if they don’t know who said it I want them to know it was said. So that they know we are aware. Also I want to see how they respond

@ammukaru have you had chance to talk to your daughter about it again since she slept?

Ooh can I recommend a podcast? Theres an episode of Life kit: parenting by npr called talking race with children.

I can imagine how upsetting that must have been. My dd is 18 months and I'm preparing myself to have this conversation with her.
Even at her age I tell her she's beautiful even if she's too young to understand. You have to start early.

Good luck OP

OP,
Can well understand why you felt so upset.

A picture book that's a great household staple for sparking regular conversations within families of each and every colour combination:

"The Skin You Live In" by Michael Tyler
[aimed a little older than 3yrs, but lots for younger kids to enjoy about it too]