Feel like a crap mum

[Feelingnewblu]

Maybe it’s the crazy long holidays or just one of those days. I have three amazing, adorable dcs. They are all incredibly high energy and need loads of activities etc. I’ve always been quite quiet and introverted and I guess I struggle with how full on things are all the time. They are all boys so I don’t know if this is relevant. I’d love to potter about the house more and be able to do calm activities but it never, ever works . My dcs are 2, 4 and 6.
We go out all.the.time. Our house is a gorgeous but small terraced house, it’s not an option to move as we live in a beautiful place but even if our place was bigger we’d still have to leave I’d say every day.
At weekends I do swap over with my dh and we do try and have some types of calm mornings but it never works. No matter what if they are left they are literally jumping around everywhere, running around everywhere at the rate of knots ( We are usually always out by 9am or earlier as it just gets unbearable at home. They will watch tv but don’t feel good about having it on too much. This is in addition to my two year old waking often at night (nothing works).
I’m just completely burnt out. We have family but absolutely no help practically whatsoever, they don’t do stuff like coming with me to a park etc for adult company. Also my dh and I end up snappy and arguing over stupid things as we never get a break and do absolutely nothing with each other ever. We are still v close and in love as we try hard at home but it would be so lovely to get an hour here and there for a walk. We did have a babysitter but they moved and it isn’t easy where we live to get plp and we aren’t in the Uk and here it’s at least 10 pounds an hour for babysitting which makes for an expensive walk. My family are very much of the opinion that that’s life and I guess maybe their right. Totally our choice and we adore our dcs but probably were a bit naive in thinking it would be easier and kids sort of did their own thing while we looked on behind our books 😂
We also both work and run a mini business on the side so I sometimes think we are doing too much but our work is important to us and of course we need the money! I don’t actually find it easier as they get older. They are extra fit and healthy and we are v lucky I know this My dr recently said he’d never seen a 4 year old with so many visible muscles but that’s literally down to the fact that he moves constantly so pretty much working out all day 😂
I guess I’m lonely , tired and burnt out. I just wish I was more the mother I thought I’d be Instead I’m impatient and any activities I set up are either over after 5 mins or just don’t work. So we are constantly going to the parks, beach , Woods which sounds all ideal and I do love the outdoors but it is hard work with young kids. I’m also sleep deprived all the time and it’s gone on for years . We swap over at night but my sleep is fucked after 5 years of this...My friends with kids all seem to have lots of extra support and are all close to their mums so have that especially during these holidays. Just a moan really and looking for miserable company..

You’re almost through the worst of it OP. Your boys will soon be at an age to entertain themselves, and won’t want mum hanging around anyway.
Could you enrol them in any sports clubs, Cubs, craft activities, swimming lessons, climbing wall centres, etc? If they’re exhausted from an hour or two of full on football training, they’ll be quieter at home and sleep well too.
It’s possible to have nice country walks even with DC - I used to take mine out a lot and I could stroll sedately while they whizzed in and out of undergrowth, had leaf fights, etc.
It will get steadily better, especially once the youngest is in playgroup and then school. You’ll find yourself sitting in a deathly silent house, wistfully remembering all the fun and noise with nostalgia..... Okay, no, maybe that’s going too far! But better times are in sight, OP. Hang on in there.

You are not the mum you thought to be, because your kids are not the way you thought they'll be. There is nothing negative about that, so don't beat yourself up over it.

Unless you plan on a fourth child, at least the sleep deprivation will slowly but steadily get better. Do you have a playground close to your place? Or a space where your children can be wild without you constantly running after them? That would be a good solution for them to be active while you still get at least some time to sit down and just watch them or maybe even read something.

Turn off the TV - they might be calm while watching it, but in general it's extra stimulation that rather winds children up and decreases their attention span.

I agree with PP about sports clubs.

Give them as much opportunity to be physically active at home - make them dance; buy a mat for them to do summersaults and stuff on; if you have stairs, give them exercises to do, like getting up the stairs as quickly as possible by jumping up with both legs together or always jumping up 2 steps, then back down 1 ... and other stuff like that.

Do you have a yard? If yes: hopscotch, skipping ropes and stuff like that. Get a trampoline, ifyou have the space.

May I ask where you live?

Thanks for the replies. We do all the suggested and more! All my kids have been physical from a very young age and no unfortunately it doesn’t help with sleep, bizarre but true. My two year old is on the go 24/7, scooting, trampoline, walks in woods, playgrounds, my dh takes them body boarding and no he still wakes. We are outdoors 90 percent of the day. I have thought maybe he’s over stimulated or overtired but any calmer , less physical days and it’s the same outcome. He’s very healthy and doesn’t have any health problems, his brother was exactly the same, several night wakes until they miraculously stopped at 4. As mentioned in my op we don’t like them watching tv too much so it’s not on much at all. My older child has been to numerous camps but my middle one is too young for them here.
They are wonderful kids and I’m so lucky and wouldn’t want them to be any different. I guess it’s more me that’s the problem, I’m just tired and burnt out. Even on good nights I wake as my body just can’t sleep anymore like it used to. I eat v healthily and I exercise regularly but it’s just the fact of being woken for years. I absolutely hate wishing time away but also don’t like the implication that parents should enjoy every moment or they’ll regret it. There’s rose tinted spectacles I know this when I look back on holiday photos, the most adorable toddlers but parents who were hanging in on 3/4 hours sleep. It was just a moan really and response to the references from parents on here and in RL going on about chilling all summer long and relaxing mornings 🤔My friend was saying how she’s dreading school as she’ll have to drag them all out of bed. We are dressed and ready at 7am to go 🏃🏻‍♀️
I love them more than anything and while I don’t wish time away I know as a human I need to be able to recoup.

I do feel like I’m going crazy this summer. Both DC up by 6:30, so I’m already dragging it out to a reasonable 8am to let them in the garden. The older one can’t do anything apparently unless I’m doing it too. So spends all day asking what to do next. I cannot think of anything else to do with them, I’m at the end of my rope as to how I’m supposed to constantly entertain

I’m reluctant to “medicalise” children if they’re just energetic, but have you considered they might have hyperactivity/ADHD? It might be worth having an assessment, if only to rule it out.

I feel you OP. My kids aren't the same but, you're not a crap Mum. You're a good mum. You really are. And yes, you need a break. You are totally fine to want one, to crave one, to can't wait til they're back at school. Moan away, kids are such hard work and never at all like we expect them to be. Hang in there, you're not alone X

"his brother was exactly the same, several night wakes until they miraculously stopped at 4."

Great, so you can expect to "only" have 2 more years to go ... get a calendar and count down the days to when you can sleep again!

"but also don’t like the implication that parents should enjoy every moment or they’ll regret it."

I agree, you don't have to enjoy every aspect of parenthood. Not everything is great and I don't see a reason why one should pretend otherwise. As long as parents don't regret having had children, it's fine.

"It was just a moan really and response to the references from parents on here and in RL going on about chilling all summer long and relaxing mornings"

Go on, keep moaning! That can be very helpful on occasions.

At least you won't ever have propblems with your children being overweight and too inactive ;)

I could have written this. Mine are the same ages and the same temperament. People say to wear them out but it just means that they get fitter and stronger, so I'm now worn out trying to wear them out. On the upside I'm way more active and fitter than I've ever been before! I've had learn to embrace being active and outdoorsy, which is something I'd never have thought I could do before having kids! Only saving grace is that the 6 year old is doing really well in his reading so will now sometimes be persuaded to sit quietly for an hour with a David Williams book, which is wonderful.

I have no advice but you have my deepest sympathy.

I would love to say it will get better but I have the same sporty outdoorsy kids, they are older - eldest is 14! And I am still so knackered keeping up with them.
Sleep will get better definitely,
Will they change? Very unlikely.
I prepare everything the night before still, go out and burn them out for as long as i can muster, but now when we are back I insist on mummy rest time. This includes guilt free Tv/movie time for them, no interruptions. Healthy snacks and drinks and leave them to it. Lie on your bed, read. If they lose interest as mine often did after ten or twenty minutes, let them charge around and entertain themselves.
When you are out try to sit down and rest, choose soft play where you can have a coffee. Learn the short cuts and don’t feel bad. You are doing a great job!!!

Thank you so much for your replies. I have a little tear in my eye reading them. I’m not worried about them being hyper as they do well in school, can sit and concentrate, read etc. They just prefer to exercise all the time .
Actually that point about making them strong and fit really resonates with me, because they were all pretty bad sleepers I think we became obsessed with wearing them out as that was everyone’s advice. So we have sort of created this situation ourselves. I could never regret them , they are the light of our lives. I’m just tired and having a moan. I’m pretty upbeat and positive in real life so good to have an outlet sometimes. I think it’s also other people’s comments “ wow, out again “, “ they are v energetic “, “ you have your work cut out there “. It makes me feel a bit shit like its so noticeable. Also always having to be out and on the move is tiring. The older boys will chill a bit now with a movie after being out but my two year old is a whirlwind!
I’m also the fittest I’ve ever been and a size 6 so their are pros... but I’m also haggard. Swings in roundabouts ( is that the phrase?).
Just wanted to hear from others who are waiting till 9am so they can go out to a playground at a normal time.

I have a five year dc like this (plus another two dcs - one that is a toddler) and I totally get the high energy thing. The best money I have spent this Summer is booking my dc2 into a Summer holiday club for a few days a week where they have gained social interaction and stimulation which I don't feel able to provide (and feel a bit of a failure because of). Trooping around with three dcs especially when they are young is not easy and invariably we end up at the local park - last Summer we went there on an almost daily basis mainly because I had a baby who would not sleep through the night and didn't feel like driving anywhere. Also, I understand the thing about activities being a five minute wonder - painting especially - it takes me longer to set it up. My saving grace is that my toddler still has naps. It does get easier when they reach 10+ they tend to entertain themselves a bit more and my teen is happy to be left to their own devices (plus they don't tend to surface until much later in the morning). I can only reiterate that the best thing I did this year was to book my very active dc into a holiday club (obviously at expense but so very worth it). Only a couple of weeks to go here until school starts again and for me it will be a relief to get some structure and routine back again. Unless you have the right circumstances, I think the Summer hols is a bit too long - 4 weeks is plenty i.m.o. already starting to label clothes etc. in anticipation! We have no extended family, so social isolation can be a real issue for me too though fortunately, I have a couple of friends (both with older children) who have popped in and this has really helped.

And yes, I was told that I did a lot of walking about last Summer - this was because I was always trying to get the dcs out of the house and this can be tiring - just organising the stuff to take can be tiring and with a toddler this can take forever sometimes (or at least that's how it feels). I also like to have a good moan, it is my way of coping I think. I try to stay off facebook during the Summer hols - some people on there are affluent and seem to holiday for about four weeks out of 6 (not with young children of course) and this can make me feel like more of a failure/envious though I know I am lucky to have my dcs.