I just don't know what I want anymore. Please help me unscramble this mess in my head

[malteserballpit]

Hi,

Bit of a complicated one, this.

In a ss relationship- married, happy, commited and financially secure.

We have been broody for a while, but recently everything seemed to align and it just felt like the right time. Already have a dc in secondary school, from a previous relationship and would love a sibling for them.

We had decided to go down the sperm bank route and assumed we'd be using a clinic for the IUI insemination. Then we decided we'd like to do home insemination, but this ruled out certain banks. It's obviously going to be expensive and is more likely than not, going to take several attempts. A friend then put me in touch with Pride Angel, which is a very different set up and a lot of trust has to be involved.

I had initially ruled this out completely, as the legalities seemed like such a grey area, but that seems to be more for single women than married couples.

Anyway, I have been in contact with someone who seems absolutely lovely and has asked lots of questions about our lifestyle etc, which indicates he genuinely cares about who he donates to and this is where I'm torn....

When we were looking at sperm banks, I knew that the donor would have nothing to do with the dc, unless they decided to get in contact once they'd reached 18. I didn't think I had a problem with this set up and felt comfortable with it, but now we've been speaking to someone who is actually 'real' iyswim, not just a number, I feel like it's awoken something in me, I didn't think was there. I'm now not sure I would want our dc to have absolutely no clue where half their genes come from, for the entirety of their childhood.

That said, I am also very uncomfortable with the idea that a known donor would feel a connection or want to provoke contact and have some sort of relationship with them throughout their childhood.

This kind of now leaves me wondering if any of it is for us, which is very sad, because we do really want another dc and honestly, I didn't see this coming.

I'm sorry if this hasn't been explained very well, but my head's all over the place and I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.

Would really appreciate any words of wisdom.

TIA

Hopeful bump.

I'm a solo mum having used a non-anonymous donor through a UK clinic.

I know of some mums who have used known donors, and gosh some situations get so, so messy once the child is here. Even if you do a signed agreement beforehand so everyone knows where they stand, I don't think it would ever stand up in court should the donor change his mind and want more access or responsibility. It sounds more complicated and possibly more confusing for the child growing up.

I personally went with non-anonymous so my DC has a choice in the future to find out the identity of the donor. I also picked a UK one as it's quite strictly regulated, so contact will be more likely to happen (I think outside of UK it's not regulated the same so it may be hard to track down donors if they move, even if you have their identity).

It might be worth you looking at the donor conception network. They hold various workshops and it might help you go through your options more. The biggest thing with donor conceived children is making sure that from young they know their story. The same is true with adoption. It's usually the lies about the upbringing that cause the emotional damage, rather than the situation itself iyswim.