Torn

[Smeghead90]

Sorry this will be a long post. I have an ex partner whom I have 2 children ages 3-4 to. I also have an 8 year old DD with someone else. Me and my ex partner have a rocky history, we have split and got back together twice. We have been talking about getting back together in the future, not yet but maybe in the next few years. There’s a lot that has happened in the past and my family will more than likely disown me if we do get back together.
When my daughter was 3 there was an incident where my ex told her she couldn’t have her telly on that night because she had had a dummy ( we were trying to get her off them) my family totally flew off the handle at this and nothing has been the same since. I think my family have been saying things to my daughter about my ex so obviously her view has been coloured. I am unsure of what to do, please give me some insight, or experiences anyone has had. Thank you

Ime once you have ripped the plaster off you move on and heal - stop keep picking the scab....
If your relationship was going to work it would now not in the future.
Your dc must be very unstable - not being harsh /rude.
If he is a good df organise access but you need to accept you are single.
He isn't committed to any of you if he is in/out of your lives like this anyway.

I think deep down I know this but he’s very good at buttering me up, we have an agreement at the moment we’re “friends with benefits” and we do family days out with the kids but the thought of him living with me again doesn’t sit well with me. But he makes me feel sorry for him

Why are your parents concerned that he told your daughter she couldn't have her tv on at night if she had a dummy?
Am I mistaken in thinking your daughter is his daughter too? Why are your parents concerned with the parenting? If, as you say, you were trying to get DD to lose the dummy, then this is a way of trying to get her to do so, surely?
How do they even know what happened? I'm assuming you told them (correct me if I'm wrong)

No it was my other daughter he told, this happened at my nans house and my Nan told my mum and dad and it all escalated from there

No it was my other daughter he told, this happened at my nans house and my Nan told my mum and dad and it all escalated from there

So this is your daughter who's now 8?
Sorry, I'm a bit confused.

Yes my daughter who is now 8 but at the time she was 3

So your parents still have an issue over something that happened 5 years ago?
I'm sorry but to me it sounds like they're more of an issue here than your ex.
As a grown woman with three children, why would they disown you if you got back together with him? Surely they'd realise that by doing that, they wouldn't see their grandchildren and I doubt they'd want that to happen, seeing as they seem so invested in the way they're being raised.
It sounds to me as if your parents need to take a step back and let you make decisions for yourself.
If they still have issues over your ex telling your daughter to basically chose between her tv and a dummy 5 years ago, it sounds like they're trying to be controlling.
You need to ask them what they've been saying to your daughter, tell them to stop saying things in future and ask them to take a step back.
Tell them that they're not only upsetting you but they're upsetting your children too and even if you don't get back with your ex, it's not for them to interfere with your life.

Exactly what my ex has said and a lot of other people they are very controlling and get involved a lot! I’m just worried about losing contact with them, I know this would happen because the last time we got back together I didn’t see they for 8 months, and they didn’t see my youngest two for 8 months either. But they see my eldest daughter all the time but will call to my house to see my youngest 2 once a week. They have a special bond with my eldest daughter because she lived with them for 6 months while I suffered with depression. She’s now living with her dad but she stays at mine 3 days a week

I would be firm and say if you're not good enough for them to see, you don't want your children in contact with them either, as you don't trust what they'll say to them and they either take you all as a family or don't take you at all.

I think you really need to be firm with them and tell them how you feel and tell them that they have no right to control your life.
Their behaviour isn't fair on anyone.

I think your current set up is no good for your dc.

Stop shagging him and going on days out together. All you are doing is confusing the dc. Make a clean break, aim for a co-parent relationship of arranged contact.

Sounds like he’s an ex for a reason
Thjnk toud be happier with a clean slate

@Stompythedinosaur yes I know this but he’s made me feel sorry for him telling me how much he loves me and that he’s changed. I’ve stupidly said there maybe a chance for us to get back together in the future but really thinking about it I don’t want that. He just keeps saying he wants his family back. His mental health isn’t great either so I feel this might push him to a new low. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to the stupid “just sex” agreement. I only agreed to it if both parties no longer had feelings for each other. I still love him as he’s my kids father but not enough to sacrifice everything like I did last time. I know when I do tell him it’s all over his attitude towards me will change and he will start doing things to be awkward and start being a prick with me

I know it’s not your main point, but I really don’t understand why you’re talking about getting back together with your ex in a few years time. It sounds to me like something that is being said by one of you (him?) in order to keep the other one (you?) hanging around as a fwb, unable to move on in the hopes of getting back together. That’s never going to happen because if you were going to get back together then you would just do that. Whichever one of you is stringing the other along needs to stop it.