I think you mums are super human

[moobar]

Hello

Was thinking about my life driving home today and just wanted to say how absolutely amazing I think other mums are.

Sit tight, it's a ramble. So. I married young, twenty years ago. Ttc for fifteen long years. Multiple mcs, multiple failed IVF. Discarded from private clinic, discharged from nhs clinic. Came to terms with life. Fell pregnant with baby, waited to miscarry, didn't.

Baby born November. I went into shock. I've had a huge amount of counselling, but basically have Ptsd and pna.

I'm an extremely competent professional person. I specifically dealt with high high conflict child cases as a solicitor or domestic abuse cases acting solely for the victim.

I reached the "top" of my profession. I used to work fifteen hours on a good day, was on call twenty four, and need very little sleep.

I have just resigned. DD is eleven months old and I can barely get out the house some days. I think, from reading here, she is a high needs baby, she also doesn't sleep and scream,s bloody murder if I leave her for two seconds. I adore her. But I'm going to say it, this is so so hard. (I'm not allowed to say that as she was so wanted any complaint is not allowed).

I don't understand how you all do it. By the time I've got us up, fed, dressed, out for a walk, it's lunchtime. She then won't nap without me, so that's an hour gone as I fend emails. Then tea, bath, bedtime hell begins, two hours I've been rocking tonight. She will wake every hour. I am absolutely exhausted.

I see people working full time, part time, staying at home, multiple children, one child, all breezing through this.

This is neither a boast re work, or a moan, I'm just in awe, and wanted to say to you all, wow, and thank you. Because I may be shit at this, but by fuck I'm doing my best, and she is loved, if nothing else. And reading mumsnet and the stuff I've learnt from here has really kept me going.

Ps I've not checked this and am typing one fingered and I am not correcting it

In real life, I've never heard anyone says it's hard.

It’s hard. My two are older - tonight I totally lost my shit with them over something that really upset but in the scheme of things isn’t a huge deal. My DH made me a coffee while I went to apologise to my little boy. I was texting my best friend who dropped what she was doing and came over to see me, give me a hug and remind me that I’m still a good mum despite how shit I felt.

Those are the people you need around you, your friend wasn’t a friend.

I see people working full time, part time, staying at home, multiple children, one child, all breezing through this.
I think most people are just winging it really!

It is stressful, it is tiring, and it is hard (it's lovely too of course). I think we all get that, so don't be so hard on yourself. You've done amazing things professionally and now as a mother. You're the super human here!

Oh my, you are all so kind, and lovely, I'm not sure I deserve that today. I had a cry and feel sick to my stomach with guilt.

She's still up, or up for the eighth time tonight. But she's here, and I love her.

No not walking, didn't sit. Went from crying baby to extreme crawling with no pause. I feel like she's so hard to entertain. Actually no, to self entertain. Happy so long as I'm doing it as well. Won't even watch tv and by God I've tried. Little baby shit bum.

I've had to buy a baby walker, yes I know, just so I can make tea. She goes like a helter skelter round my kitchen wailing and chasing the poor dogs. Who also adore her. In this house it's more a case of beware of the child than beware of the dogs.

My family and Inlaws have wonderful, sleeping children who I love the bones of. But no offers to babysit have been forthcoming! Just criticism of the sleep issue.

Totally hear you and understand...it's so damn hard. Courage xx

Ahh I had a high needs baby with silent reflux op. The first 2 years were the hardest. She’s now 4 and I can talk her through what’s worrying her. She has so much going on in her little mind. She’s my 3rd and it knocked me for 6 when I got pnd with her as it was my first time experiencing it. I tried baby sign language with her which was a lovely group to go to. Helped me communicate with her

The hard times do pass I promise you, you're doing great!

I know that I may look like I’m breazing it (other mums have said so). But a better phrase would be ‘bricking it’.

Sorry anyone who says it is easy is a LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE.

And if it IS easy for them, have they not got an ounce of imagination to consider for others it is not and then have some empathy.

You will work again. You will have fun times again. You will one day realise that it has got just a little bit easier.

No not walking, didn't sit. Went from crying baby to extreme crawling with no pause. I feel like she's so hard to entertain.

Urgh I remember that age. It’s awful especially when they pull themselves up, keep getting hurt and they’re so fraustrated all the time. Honestly, give it a few months. Walking will probably make a lot of difference. Sleep will one day just click too. Is she teething? Are you breastfeeding?

All children will be hard work at some stage whether they sleep or not. I’ve also heard the more difficult the baby the more chilled out they are as a toddler!

I agree though, no one in real life says how hard it is.. I honestly don’t know how anyone with multiple children does it. I think they must either be superhuman or have relaxed children/ babies!

You should read the ‘unmumsy mum’ Good read and very relatable if you’re struggling. Got me through the first few months! It’s definitely okay not to love every minute of motherhood

Also my DD14 was a complete nightmare up to 10 months, couldnt put her down for a minute, then she started walking and could follow me about! Since then she's been an absolute angel in every way and I couldn't ask for a better daughter!

In real life, I've never heard anyone says it's hard.

One morning failing to drink a hot cuppa with me and my friends would at least reassure you that you’re not the only one finding this veeeeery tough

It’s the hardest job in the world. It’s just so relentless.
I went back to work when she was 3 months (not through choice) but it was my saving grace.
We’re all just winging it.

I really like the sound of you moobar. I was in a similar position and felt I couldn’t do half the job I used to. I have to give things 100% or I get frustrated. I walked away from my career and I know people judged me but now my dc are older I can reflect on the time we spent together. This is a luxury a lot of people don’t have. I built up a different career in the meantime. One which was more conducive to family life and actually a lot more exciting than my old career. I think things turned out well and I hope the same happens for you.

Place marking as I feel same OP

We had fertility problems. It took 2 years 8 months to get pregnant and although we’d like another that’s looking pretty unlikely.

DD was ‘high needs’. We called her Velcro baby because we could never put her down! A sling helped massively. I went on to get a toddler sling because she just loved being up high. Honestly, it was so hard. I had PND. We celebrated my birthday and DH recalled the first birthday I had after DD was born where I was basically in bits (she was about 4 months then) and I cried most of the day. She had reflux (not silent, lots of vomiting!), it was awful, things finally improved when I begged the GP for help and got medication for us both when she was about 6 months. We also did some sleep training so I got my evenings back.

Honestly it’s rough. It has got easier for us but DD still has sensory issues which make it more challenging. Have you asked the GP to have a look at your DD to see if there’s anything that might have been missed causing the behaviour? My nephew was difficult, very grumpy baby but it turned out he had CMPA and he was loads better once that was managed.

IVF is a risk factor for PND. You're doing awesomely. You cab complain as much as you want. I studied for four solid years of my first degree so I could do my PhD, friends and family patted me on the back for it and sympathised with the hours and the insecurity and all the rest... but with having children you're just supposed to be thankful, nobody acknowledges that the road that brought you there might have been a difficult one or that the fact that you wanted this doesn't negate the fact that sleep deprivation and the rest are difficult to deal with.

I had extended fertility problems too which led to prenatal anxiety and postnatal anxiety.

Sometimes I wonder whether this contributed to me being a helicopter parent smothering my baby/toddler to the point of exhaustion.

I'll never forget feeling this way. Mine are heading into their teens now and it's much easier and less overwhelming.

I remember wondering why my friends had never warned me how all consuming and suffocating it could be having children. And why they would ever decide to have another!

It's got easier, mostly. Just different. I now have to seem to force them to connect, get up and do something with me instead of them being in my space 24/7

Sounds exactly like my eldest DS. Dear God he was unrelenting hard work. Slept through aged 5 He's 15 now, we like to tease him about what a little shit he was as a baby! He's a smashing lad who still doesn't manage to sleep like a teenager should and thinks 9am is a lie in.
Hang on in there, you're doing a great job. This too will pass

I know the struggle with PNA & PND. My daughter has mild autism and has me pulling my hair out during the day. Luckily she sleeps through & always has but makes up for it tenfold during the day. Does. Not. Stop. Whining!!!
Can't wait until she starts school next month! (Only kidding)

Love the Helter Skelter description! You have a fab way of writing & describing your DD & life with her. Have you thought of starting a blog? Would be a hit (if you can find the time).

You've had a long road to get here OP, and you will get through it all - but do go easy on yourself.

I have not read all the responses but poor poor you. I was TTCing for far less time than you but had spent my whole life since teenagerdom knowing TTC would be hard so kind of lived infertility longer than I did TTC if that makes sense. I then had my babies - three of them in the end - naturally and the second two came with no bother at all really.

But the infertility and the TTC years did leave me with a PTSD for which I have had therapy which has helped a lot, as has talking about it and acknowledging it to myself and having others acknowledge it. I read something about how many women who have failed fertility treatment contemplate suicide and this also helped as I had also thought this might be the eventual outcome for me if I did not have the family I so wanted, and reading that it was not uncommon for women have these thoughts very much validated them for me even though I hope I would actually never have got to that place.

Sorry this is turning out to be long but I will put everything here in the hope it helps.

What my therapist and I worked out is that I have a kind of survivor's guilt - that I looked into the bleak future of no kids and prepared myself for it and then I got my kids and whilst being totally thrilled I also had very bleak thoughts about it and guilt about it too.

My first dc was born with some health troubles and we also did not really sleep for a long time (not due to her health - due to her personality and probably my inability to be at all disciplined about sleep because I was worried about the health and also so grateful to have her). The lack of sleep is a killer.

I too had a very successful job that involved odd hours working and short notice availability. I have picked up some of this again now my kids are growing up a bit, though still all primary age, and also accepted that the direction of my career has changed. But also that in career terms this is a potentially temporary hiatus and I may pick it all up again in 5/10/15 years time. I have also had to understand that my success was in part due to not having kids and given the choice it is the kids I wanted. But it is another thing to accept and to mourn.

Also it is important to remember that having kids is a level playing field from the moment you conceive. You can moan and be frustrated and tired and depressed etc - you do not have to pretend you are none of these things just because you are also so so so grateful.

Therapy was very helpful for me but so too was using the money I spent on therapy for some childcare to spend time with dh occasionally or just to go for a swim or walk by myself.

I hope this helps. I am happy to chat by PM but I am not a therapist, just someone who has had some similar things going on but is currently in a better place at the moment. Weeks where I have no sleep though - when one of the dc is ill or I am stressed or whatever reason, it does all come back to me again. I have two close friends who know all of the above and at these times it helps to admit to them I am struggling and let them message daily with nice things rather than do what I have always done and pretended everything is fine.

Final thought for you - and again sorry this is so very long - but I think women who have had v successful careers do have a particular reaction to having kids where success is not down to how hard you work or how clever you are but down to so much out of your control. I could not breastfeed successfully and was so gutted and part of the complicated feelings were a) well of course not, I couldn't conceive like everyone else did without trouble so why would I be able to bf and also b) I had never failed at anything in my life before so it was a shock.

Hugs to you OP - things get better, life goals change, time passes. xxx