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Anyone else having a really tough summer with their 4 year old?! I’m at my wits end!

15 replies

Userwhatevernumber · 17/08/2019 12:19

Really struggling this summer with ds1.
He finished pre-school at the end of term, then just became double dose of grouchy, naughty, wingy, irritable and generally difficult. First we put it down to being tired from the end of term, then we put it down to the heat, then the loss of routine from preschool, and being with his brother ds2 (who is 2) all day everyday (they are still going to the childminders all day as me and DH are working), then we put it down to the rain and having to be indoors more, but it’s the beginning of week 5 In the holidays now and to say we are fed up is an understatement. I’m so tired of always being cross and everything being such a battle with him these past few weeks. Childminder has also been having a really tough time with him - and he is usually good as good with her!

Yesterday he was starting right from journey home from childminders, had a melt down because he wanted to get out of the car first, refusing to sit at the table, hitting out at Ds2 if he came anywhere near him, refused to eat anything until I gave him cheese spread toast. We thought maybe he is tired, so tried to put him to bed early with stories and cuddles to give him some one to one attention as I thought maybe that was the problem, he was then crying and screaming because he was going to bed before ds2. Even after we had put ds2 to bed he was still not settling until after 10 because he had got himself in such a state, we had to take turns to lie with him, and what’s worse is he kept Ds2 up so now I have 2 grouchy boys this morning. This morning he has already been the same - we started off with a clean slate, tried to be cheerful and positive, but it wasn’t even 9am before the first tantrum of the day started.

It’s like the summer holidays has given him a personality transplant!

Another recent thing is that we are having quite a few toilet accidents - which really isn’t like him, he has been very reliably dry in the day for over a year. We are not getting cross about them, but he is becoming really distressed by it.

I don’t know if maybe he is having anxiety or nerves about starting school in a few weeks? We have been talking about it - he has been really excited about big school for a while now, and he still mentions it - like ‘how many days’, ‘when I go big school I will have (insert whatever) ’... ... etc etc but I am wondering maybe the waiting period is triggering some nerves about it all?

We are going on holiday end of next week, and then I am off work for a bit to settle him into school for his first week. But honestly I am dreading the holiday with his behaviours and also dreading the whole school thing.

Please is anyone else having this with their 4 year old or is it just us 😫, anyone have any tips for me?

By the way just to put it into perspective as I am aware my post seems really negative about him. He is usually just wonderful - yes of course he has his moments of pushing it, and tantrums but he is just the sweetest, cheerful and funny boy - but I feel that I haven’t seen that little boy in 4 weeks!

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Userwhatevernumber · 17/08/2019 12:34

Anyone?

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TryingtobePrepared · 17/08/2019 12:44

We have a 5yr old dd2 like that she can be amazingly kind, mature & funny, or when she's tired or anxious a monster. Starting reception is massive for all of you so it's not surprising it's having an effect. Hang in there he'll be back but in the meantime 💐

NotWavingButMNing · 17/08/2019 12:45

I have two boys and I can honestly say that age four was by far and away the hardest age and they are now both over 21. It was worse than the baby stage, and the teenage years were nothing compared to age 4.
DS1 started school in the September after his 4th birthday, there was no pre school 18 years ago. He got much worse. His behaviour at home was appalling, crying, whinging and stropping. At school however he was an angel.
In hindsight I can see that it was anxiety. He was excited to start school but the change was too much for him.
The one thing we did which helped was to bring forward his bedtime to 630pm.

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RandomMess · 17/08/2019 12:48

Most like anxiety about the huge change of pre-school to school.

Thanks
CocoLoco87 · 17/08/2019 12:51

I feel your pain! DS is also 4 and starting school in Sept with a 2yr old bro in tow. Because I work with kids, I'm off over summer so technically a sahm. Incidently sahm autocorrected to sham Grin which is how I feel. I'm just muddling through right now. I'm one of those mum's who complains about long summer holidays Blush You would hear me say "DS is really ready for school." But what I mean is "He's driving me round the bend!"

troppibambini · 17/08/2019 12:52

I have a 14,8,5 and 4 year old and the 4 year old has definitely been more unsettled recently. I definitely think it's to do with starting school. He's really excited to start but I think it's the fear of the unknown that's unsettling him. I remember the others being similar so I think it's quite normal.
I'm not really sure what the solution is to be honest though except maybe wine?Grin

Pomtastic · 17/08/2019 12:58

I think I would be maybe, possibly dropping a urine sample into the drs so they can double check for a UTI. We've found that sometimes they can rumble on in the background for a few weeks and cause them discomfort (with the resulting impact on behaviour/sleep), but they don't always have the language processing skills to communicate that at this age. Especially with the toilet accidents too. And then if that's clear you know it's likely to be anxiety over routine changes. Good luck - it sounds so draining for you!

Userwhatevernumber · 17/08/2019 13:12

Thank you! I am so relieved that it isn’t just us!

We’ve just never come across such a sudden shift in behaviours before, but then again, we haven’t had any big changes for him to deal with 1 he seemed fine with starting preschool, but then again he was only 2 and a half so probably didn’t have the understanding of it all.

What can we be doing to mange the nerves? Should we still be talking to him about school to prepare and reassure him or should we not talk about it at all?

pomtastic a UTI has also been bobbling in my mind too - he doesn’t seem to be in any pain when he goes and hasn’t said about tummy pain, but you are right about the language processing and he does seem very frustrated with himself when he has an accident, so I will try and check in with GP on Monday.

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Userwhatevernumber · 17/08/2019 13:18

Coco and Troppi Wine for you too!

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Userwhatevernumber · 17/08/2019 22:52

Does anyone have any tips for how I can manage his anxiety? Should we be talking to him about school or should we avoid talking about it? I have been looking online this eve, but wondering if anyone has worked through this with experience? Not sire how much patience I can muster up - another difficult day today 😫

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Weatherwaxed · 18/08/2019 01:16

Follpwing for the anxiety advice. My lad is apprehensive about starting reception. I'm not sure how to approach it.
His behaviour is ok tho. He just turned 4 and so far has been lovely. Age 3 was a bloody nightmare tho.

Userwhatevernumber · 18/08/2019 09:44

Ok just bumping for us weatherwaxed.

Anyone have any tips for me?

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RandomMess · 18/08/2019 11:06

I'm just think back to one of the best books ever "How to listen so kids will talk, and talk so kids will listen"

I would chat about his "two" feelings that going to school isn't it exciting and also isn't it scary! What does he think will be good about school and what does he think is scary.

If he can verbalise specific things you can reassure about those. You can also talk about how feelings can make you cross.

Geppili · 18/08/2019 11:12

I second checking for UTI. Another possibility is threadworms? They can cause incontinence, severe irritability and tiredness. Have you got space for a trampoline? It saved my sanity when my two were that age! Remember everything passes!

Userwhatevernumber · 18/08/2019 16:36

Thank’s randommess I will have a look for that book and try and the two feeling approach to chat with him

I don’t think it’s threadworms though, no signs of worms. And we don’t have a trampoline 😫 maybe we’ll have to get one for my sanity

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