^"Last Saturday my husband Chris went out with a flimsy excuse about buying some fishing gear. He’s spent 30 years disappearing, as he’s had affairs all our married life, but I knew he wasn’t meeting another woman. Instead, he’d taken our two eldest grandchildren on a secret trip to get my birthday present and took great delight at presenting me with a beautiful gold bracelet at a birthday lunch with our four children and five grandchildren.
Most of Chris’s energies now go into our family. We met at work and I’m sure he was faithful for three years until we got married. We spent so much time together and worked in the same industry, so he’d have needed to be a time traveller to fit in other women.
It’s not funny, but that’s my defence mechanism. Chris went to boarding school aged eight and his relationship with his parents was stilted and polite. Possibly that’s why he’s always seeking love and approval.
Our second son was three months old when I discovered Chris’s affair. He’d come home with a female colleague to get papers and I was about to collect our eldest from nursery. I needed money for a nursery outing, so I returned and went in the back door for my purse. I knew what I was hearing from the living room but I couldn’t believe it until I tiptoed to the door and saw them having sex on the floor.
I still feel sick remembering. I backed out and went to nursery in a complete daze, trying to answer my toddler’s chatter. I wanted to scream at Chris, and smash everything up. But I also knew that if I did that life would never be the same again. I was taking a few years off work to look after the boys and hopefully more children, we had a lovely big house and I’d thought the perfect relationship. We had such good times together and a great sex life, so why the other women?
When Chris came in we had dinner and he said that his latest deal meant a lovely holiday and at that moment I decided nothing was wrecking our family life. I was sure he’d never put the children through a divorce and that he still loved me. Some friends’ husbands neglected them for work or hobbies, or let themselves go and became boring and middle aged. This was Chris’s only fault and I was sure that he’d stop eventually. I wasn’t going to bring it out in the open.
I became expert at working around affairs, ignoring hints from well-meaning friends. He was a classic philanderer in spoiling me when he had someone else, which took the pleasure out of treats, especially if he went for a long time without an affair and I’d hope that was the end.
He’s had at least ten affairs that I know of and I got used to women at work functions introducing themselves and looking me over, surprised I wasn’t a frump. I was cool and patronising and enjoyed unnerving them.
At a barbecue, a woman who was clearly his latest followed him around so much that he got irritated and jumpy. We were in the utility room getting more drink and I could see her through the window, heading towards us, so I wrapped myself around him and when she came in she found us kissing and burst into tears. I was all concerned and “Oh dear, too much to drink, don’t worry” and got her into a taxi while Chris disappeared. That was the end of her and this is hard to admit, but I realised that these other women made sure I was never complacent about my marriage.
It’s now been eight years since any signs of other women, which coincided with the birth of our first grandchild. Once, he suddenly said I’d “put up with a lot” but I shrugged that off. We don’t need a post-mortem now that we’re out the other end. I know for sure that he’s with me because he wants to be and that his affairs underlined that for both of us"^