Husband never feels the need for sex

[Alison9]

Hi
I am looking for some advise on my current situation. Been married to DH for 16 years and have a 12 yr old and a 2 yr old. We always had sex about once a week or once fortnightly. I work 3 nights a week and he works days due to child care. Recently he has stopped initiating sex since the last year or so and doesn't seem interested in me one bit. I have tried to get him in the mood but he wasn't interested. The rejection is devastating and makes me feel desperate. Which I don't want him to know as it's embarrassing. So I have stopped initiating to avoid him thinking I have needs like the majority of women out there do. There seems to be nothing worse than going to bed knowing it's going to be another awkward dull night. Last week he finally moved close to me with an erection that instantly turned me on. But I pretented sex wasn't that important to me and ended it quite soon. He did seem a little disappointed. But I was bitter after months of neglect. Was I wrong?
I know I snore sometimes and he doesn't like it unless when he's drunk for obvious reasons. Last night we went for an evening stroll and he suggested he starts sleeping in the spare room. This was the final nail in the coffin for me. Spending the rest of my life apart. Especially when friends or relatives come over for a weekend and notice us sleeping in separate rooms. They will undoubtedly talk behind our backs, but he doesn't seem to care. So I lashed out by saying if that's what you want. Instead of me working 3 nights a week, I'll work 7. It's been left at that. Any advise would be much appreciated. I believe sex is a natural hard wired act in us humans. And witholding it from your partner is a breach of marriage.

Was this a sudden change in him? Is he depressed? Is it getting it elsewhere? Is he stressed?

Hi slowandwild Thanks for your reply.
To be honest it was after our DH was born, he gradually turned off me. But was fine after our first. I defenetly know he's not having an affair as the only time he's away from me is when he goes to work. I don't think he's stressed any more than ever before. He has a really easy job also we are ok financially. The only change I have seen is he has become obsessed with cleaning. Our house is always spotless. He wasn't that bothered before. He does take longer in the shower than previously, so I'm perhaps thinking he wanks before his shower. But I could be wrong. I caught him years ago with wanking. But I found it quite amusing, as our sex life was still active then.

Sounds like some kind of depression, maybe. Does affect libido. Sorry I'm no expert.

Why did you pretend you weren't interested when he initiated sex?
And why did you tell him it was fine to sleep in seperate rooms when it's not?

You're hurting nobody but yourself doing those things.

You need to be honest and talk to each other about this, even if it rocks the boat.

Sorry if that sounded unsympathetic.
I understand your frustration, I really do. Rejection by the person you love is horrible.

But you still need to talk.

Have you talked to him at all about this, explained your feelings about missing sex?

You need to talk with him.

Declining libido is pretty common, and there are a host of possible reasons - some medical - so I think you blaming him and thinking he is deliberately withholding sex in some sort of "breach of contract" is very unhelpful to your situation.

And, no, sex is not necessarily a hard-wired instinct.

If you can date the decline in his interest from when your second child was born, this might be worth exploring - were you both tired? Did family life get in the way?

But ultimately you have to explore all this with him and maybe encourage him to seek advice from his GP in case it is linked with depression, blood pressure etc

I understand how horrible that feeling of rejection is, and that you wanted him to understand how you feel, but all you're doing is hurting yourself. You need to talk about it calmly. Explain why you reacted like that, how much you're hurting from feeling rejected and see if you can find a way to slowly improve things between you.

My DH is happy with sex once a month and I have a fairly high sex drive. It's really frustrating and I never initiate any more because I know from the last decade that unless he's already in the mood, me initiating things won't work. But I have talked to him and ever so slowly things are getting better. I daresay we'll never have the passionate sex life I'd like but hopefully it'll incrementally move towards more satisfying.

Last week he finally moved close to me with an erection that instantly turned me on. But I pretented sex wasn't that important to me and ended it quite soon. He did seem a little disappointed. But I was bitter after months of neglect. Was I wrong?

Cutting your nose off to spite your face is hardly going to help the problem is it ?

Agree with Groggy on this.

The rejection is devastating and makes me feel desperate. Which I don't want him to know as it's embarrassing. So I have stopped initiating to avoid him thinking I have needs like the majority of women out there do.

I understand these feelings and it’s totally understandable that you feel resentful, but a marriage will only work if you both communicate with each other on how you feel. So this really means both of you before you just give up and sleep in different beds.

Things change as we get older. Sometimes we can have issues with dryness and men can have erectile difficulties. There are solutions - but if you are both still fully invested in your marriage - try to discuss it. Otherwise you will both just get angrier and more resentful of each other.

I’ve been there!

Thanks for all the comments I will take on board these and hopefully things will improve.