I'm in the doldrums...have been for a long time

[Headinabook55]

Hi,

I am a mum of two lovely small children. Married to a kind man. Got a good part time job. A lovely home (nothing spectacular but you take what you can get when you live somewhere v expensive).

I am unhappy. I can feel the misery on my face. I have no right to feel like this. Part of my issues were hormonal but I do believe I dealt with those (back on pill and counselling) and no longer feel like I can't get out of bed.

However these are my issues;

I don't exercise and can't seem to start. I do have terrible posture and associated aches and pains. Very little muscle tone. I imagine as I am not overweight it wouldnt take too long for me to get into shape. I just can't manage it somehow!

I waste far too much time online. Mumsnet and facebook really. Don't even have twitter or instagram. I struggle hugely breaking this habit. I think I may have an addiction. I think it is because I feel lonely!

I have always worried about my weight since having mild anorexia as a teen. The body worry has never left me. I always feel like I take up too much space. I am the mid to lower end of a healthy BMI however. Its miserable and exhausting always planning the next fast day/intuitive eating whatever...

I feel ugly facially/physically and have always disliked pictures of myself.

I get overwhelming anxiety over workload which, afterwards, I realise was unnecessary.

I don't have sex with my husband. I always refuse. I'm not even sure why anymore. I very, very rarely feel stirrings of desire and even the once a month i do I have become adept at ignoring it. I was made to feel like sex was all a bit rude when i was a teen and when I became sexually active at 16 (long term bf) my mother was very difficult with me. I tried to be open with her but she called me some nasty names and wouldn't cuddle me for a long time.

The irony is I realise that regular bursts of exercise and activity would give me a boost mentally and improve my self worth, my perception of my body image and would give me the mental strength to cope with any workload anxiety. This would all hopefully feed in to refuelling my sex drive.

I do wonder if my mum put too much emphasis on looking like a pretty little girl/pretty teenager (she even sent my pictures to modelling agencies during my v skinny phase but I wasn't what they were looking for). She's a fabulous mum in very many ways but she puts nearly all worth on looks, even now; as an aside I think she is addicted to shopping. She and Dad never exercised through my childhood either so i wonder if that is part of my issue. She has always viewed my attempts at fitness with a sort of bemused humour and patronising attitude and not been at all surprised when I haven't kept it up.

I actually feel if I can get off my wobbly butt and exercise better, all of these other worries will lessen and things will slot into place.

Sorry for this brain dump. Has anyone else ever felt the same way? Please give me some advice or encouragement x

Well you know the answer - exercise! It’s finding the motivation and a form of exercise that you will enjoy doing on a regular basis.

Have a look in your area for women only classes for different types of keep fit and see which appeals to you the most.

Try it and if you don’t like it, try another.

You will meet other women in the same boat as you and make friends.

Yes. I think due to never being away from the kids (one still at nursery when I work) and husband not being around much in evenings I am going to have to do You tube vids and some old Davina dvds I have hidden somewhere.

I also know that if I start doing half an hour three times a week I really will see a difference seeing as I have done pretty much nothing for the last five and a half years (ignoring a four month stint of a running club where I got to the stage of panting in pain round a park run 😳🙄)

Get a 🐕 dog? You'll be motivated to go out and take it for walks. Good exercise, you get to meet people and chat. Plus a dog will make you laugh. Mine does. I don't know how I'd manage without her.

I could have written much of your post. I sometimes just feel highly dissatisfied with life and like I’m just an inferior version of what a person should be, despite appearing to have absolutely everything I could ever want. Not sure of the solution, although I am working on. FWIW here are some of my tips.

For the posture and tone Pilates would be a good option. I’ve been going for a few years now and it’s amazing for making you know how your body works. Why isn’t your DH around in the evenings? Could you organise a class once a week that you go out to? Maybe once you’re doing that one class it will motivate you to do more.

Also with sex I think sometimes you just need to go for it. I find my libido is stimulated the more often I have sex - not that I’m following this advice at the moment but I have a 3 month old baby - I d wonder if part of my current frustration is sexual frustration though

Yes...the plan is for a dog next year. Ive always loved having lots of pets and currently have none so I think I will feel better with a waggy tail.

Husband travels a lot and isn't often home from work yet around the 7pm mark, often meaning that if I have scheduled to go to a class in the evening, I can't get there in time! I suppose an 8pm or slightly later class could work.

Walking ...cant get better than wandering round the park

💐 OP I feel a bit like this myself. Start off slowly but do start exercising. Also eat well - lots of fruit, veg, fibre etc. Exercising in fresh air is good for your mental state too. Once you get going, you won't look back.

If your mum is patronising and critical of your exercise - don’t tell her you are doing it! You don’t need to inform other people or justify yourself.

I’m not big on exercise but I like a nice walk, swimming and Pilates.

Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube might be a good start? I find it very calming and it's a good way to start feeling strength and flexibility in your body that's maybe lain dormant for too long. There's a 30 day programme (some are shorter than others so I link a few together if I'm enjoying it) and plenty of other videos to dip in and out of. I'd get a foam mat, foam yoga blocks and a rolled up bath towel to start you off. The foam blocks are great when you don't quite have the flexibility for certain moves. The towel can be used under your tailbone to tip you forward slightly in sitting position until the muscle memory is there.

I have a set of barbell weights and plan to restart Body Pump and Billy Blanks' Beginner Tae Bo at home to get my heart rate up. I'm not really one for aerobics or running - boxercise, circuit training, body pump and power walking are more my thing

I have the above programmes downloaded from years ago but there might be some free videos on YouTube. I've heard you can pay a monthly fee to Les Mills to access their programmes. Perhaps there's a free trial.

Would it be possible to attend a class once a week for example when your husband's around to watch the kids? E.g. Saturday morning. Or get a babysitter for a midweek class? Or a gym with a crèche if one exists. I always find group exercise more sociable and it's difficult to stop halfway through - keeps me accountable

I don't usually like the posts encouraging people to get pets but in this situation it might help? Do your research carefully.

I empathize with the comments in your OP regarding your mother - it's difficult isn't it? I find when my self esteem is higher I'm able to brush off her comments (for me challenging them isn't really worth the fallout).

And as per pp don't tell your mother! I have a tendency to seek approval and it's unnecessary - I have to keep reminding myself.

Could you start by doing a brisk 10 min walk 3 times a day round the block? This is better for you than 1x30 min walk; set your alarm and get going!

Walk 1000 miles group on Facebook is very friendly

5 months ago I joined a gym with the intention of improving my cardiovascular fitness through couch to 5 k.

Prior to this I had never ran for more than a minute without feeling awful (stitch, thudding heart etc).

Whilst I usually only go approx twice a week, and run for half an hour at a time, I’ve built up to a level where I can run 2.5 miles. Part of me still can’t believe I can do this.

The best thing about it tho is how much better I feel in general. When we go on family walks I’m not out of breath, I’m not struggling to keep up with people etc. For the first time in my life I’m actually FIT (I’m 48).

And it only takes an hour a week.

And because I’ve set myself a goal and ahieved it, it’s a huge boost mentally. I have more confidence in my own abilities.

Just wanted to share this. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Thank you all so much!

I really felt when I posted this that people would respond telling me I was a self involved, selfish person who wouldn't recognise real problem if it came up and hit me round the face!

Thank you for the insight...I won't tell my mother/family I am doing anything! Of course...it makes perfect sense.

And yes, the hunt for the right dog for our family has been ticking away in the background for a while now. But in addition to this I think some yoga with adrienne and good old fashioned aerobics/step/boxercise will be the answer.

Once both kids are at school I'll definitely be attending day time classes, that's for sure.

I wonder if your mum responds to your exercise as she does because she has never exercised and she’s a bit jealous?

Your focus on exercise as the solution needs questioning I think.
You sound bored to me. Find something that makes you look outwards rather than at yourself.