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Original poster

Is my DH a sex pest?

18 replies

OverwhelmedUnderwhelmed · 13/08/2019 08:45

NC for this. I have been with my DH for 11 years, married for 8. I have elder DD 17 and younger DD 9. We've had a few issues lately, the relationship has been a bit flat through no fault of anybody's (in a rut), which we have sought to address and things have been better. We have been spending more time together which is nice, but over all his affection levels have gone over what I'm comfortable with, and I'm not sure how to address it without causing further issues. I know that underneath he is terrified of losing me.

He sends me messages every day to tell me how much he loves me and how sexy I am, he's always giving me kisses and cuddles - we spoke about lack of affection but this isn't really what I had in mind! I'm not an overly touchy feely person and I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Just now he sent me a message to say how he was thinking about what he would have liked to do to me yesterday when he got home, I don't know what he expects - but it makes me want to vom! He says that he doesn't want to have sex all the time (which btw he doesn't get), but I KNOW this isn't true because I swear he has an erection every time he gives me a hug.

From my point of view I am going to get sterilised and have my implant removed as I genuinely think it's killed my sex drive, obviously that will take time to sort but I have been referred already. I don't know if it's me that's in the wrong for being unaffectionate, or him for being OTT. I do love him but I'm finding this hard to deal with. Help!!

OP posts:

IAskTooManyQuestions · 13/08/2019 08:51

If he isn’t pressurising you for sex, then he isn’t a sex pest. TBH if that’s the way you view him, exactly why are you with him? You don’t seem to have any respect for him.

All I’ve deduced from your Op is (a) you’re in a rut (b) you don’t like touchy feely (c) he isn’t pressurising you for sex - so exactly what do you want to do to put the affection and spark back in, because kissing/cuddling is annoying you. Pointless talking to us - talk to him, because at the moment he can’t do right for doing wrong

Chitarra · 13/08/2019 08:54

He doesn't sound like a sex pest from your description OP. Keep talking to each other. Communication is key to getting this right so that you both feel listened to and respected.

LadyBumclock · 13/08/2019 08:56

It sounds a bit as if he has misunderstood / or maybe kind of assumed that what "more affectionate" etc means is what he would like it to mean, ie lots of sex.

For me it would really depend a lot on what he's like generally. If he's kind, respectful, loving, treats you as an equal, and generally a nice person then I think he's just got the wrong end of the stick and thinks you want to "spice up your sex life" as a women's mag might say (vom!). Which some women might genuinely want. In that case, he won't mind you talking to him and saying you're not really up for sexting etc and it makes you uncomfortable, and being clear about what you both want. Maybe he does want sex all the time but tried to respect that you don't, but now thinks you do want more.

OR, if he's more of an ntitled, sexist or chauvinist type, then this behaviour might be more worrying, especially if you think he won't listen to you if you raise it. Do you feel you can talk to him about it?

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Relationship problems

Original poster

OverwhelmedUnderwhelmed · 13/08/2019 08:58

Doing more stuff together without kids was probably the highest thing on my agenda for putting the spark back in - I genuinely love spending time with him with out the constant "mum mum mum dad dad dad", he's great company. This we have done and we also are away for a night this weekend, which will be great! There are some other issues (financial/work) which need addressing but will take a bit longer, there's a plan in place which I'm happy with and involves us both putting in effort to move forwards. I just think he's got the wrong end of the stick affection wise - and no he doesn't explicitly ask me for sex all the time but I just know that he wants it when he's constantly pawing at me and then sending me messages etc

OP posts:

64sNewName · 13/08/2019 08:59

He doesn’t sound like a sex pest, no. Not from what you’ve written. But you don’t sound well matched.

Original poster

OverwhelmedUnderwhelmed · 13/08/2019 09:00

And yes he is kind, respectful, loving etc and I know that I'm very lucky to have him

OP posts:

Constance1234 · 13/08/2019 09:04

but it makes me want to vom
That's not a normal reaction to your long term partner showing sexual interest in you. From your description I don't think he sounds like a sex pest, but it seems you want to label him as one to justify your physical revulsion towards him.

RogueV · 13/08/2019 09:06

No he doesn’t sound like a sex pest.

A lot of women would love that kind of attention from their DH.

64sNewName · 13/08/2019 09:08

OK. So why does him wanting sex/messaging about it make you want to vomit? That’s pretty extreme. It is also pretty extreme to frame your question about a man who you love and describe as kind and respectful as, “is he a sex pest?”

I am generally ready to think (if not say) LTB where men sound entitled/horrible, but I feel a bit sorry for your dh. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said so far as if he’s getting a kick from your discomfort or anything. It sounds as if he’s misjudged what you want, but in a well-meaning way, and you’re reacting with repulsion.

Original poster

OverwhelmedUnderwhelmed · 13/08/2019 09:08

Maybe saying that it makes me want to vom wasn't the best wording to use. His affection has just been a bit OTT and I feel a bit bombarded by it, I said I wanted more but maybe wasn't prepared.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 13/08/2019 09:14

Sounds like you want your husband to be your pal but not your lover. You need to talk to him. There was a thread recently about a couple where he'd suggested therapy, you two may need something similar. Some people can cope with a happy sexless marriage, some can't. You mentioned that you'd had issues and were trying to address them, perhaps this is part of his attempt to install a bit more excitement. Tell him its not working. A bit of flirting and romancing may be better.

LadyBumclock · 13/08/2019 09:23

I don't like sexting type stuff because I find it cringey, but it doesn't mean I don't like sex at all. Are you completely off sex OP or is it just the approach you don't like? And do you want to want it, IYSWIM?

StarGOLD · 13/08/2019 09:37

He sounds like he’s trying..I think you might kill his self esteem if you spoke to him in person the way you’ve spoken about him on here though. Sexting is cringe worthy yes but don’t you want to be desired and adored..that’s nice surely. I’d be looking at a few counselling sessions by yourself to see why you’re so repulsed by him. It does work. It gives you the freedom to say out loud what you generally keep in your head and allow to fester.

PamelaTodd · 13/08/2019 11:56

I agree with the other posters about him not being a sex pest but I do have sympathy too OP. I feel with my dh that his affectionate touch is always an invitation to sex, never just for the sake of the hug/cuddle/kiss. It’s not that he pressures me or gets offended or sulky at being turned down. It’s just that when I’m not amorous, I feel like I have to put the brakes on so it doesn’t go further. But those are exactly the times I most need non sexual touch.

What has helped most is saying this sort of thing out loud. It took me a while to articulate anything sex related (I’m probably showing my age) but actually saying what I want and don’t want clearly is a game changer. It takes practice but I don’t bottle things up or have things stuck in my head. I try and find ways to speak kindly.

In your case, when he’s obviously willing to try but missing the mark, could you make more suggestions of what you want from him. Or tell him, I like it when .... Telling him you dislike what he’s doing is probably going to cause problems in the circumstances. So focus instead on what you do want.

In terms of time together, it can be hard to manage weekends away or even date nights very often. Can you prioritize a time to chat - maybe a phone call at lunch time or on the drive home?

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/08/2019 12:05

I think it's a classic case of the difference in outlook between the average man and the average woman. There's an old saying that springs to mind:

"A man fakes love to get sex. A woman fakes sex to get love".

Admittedly it's a gross generalisation but the sentiment seems to fit your situation.

You want to feel appreciated as a person by him, to be more involved together as a couple and a family. He's interpreted that as you want to feel he finds you seually attractive. That's my guess anyway.

I suggest you sit down and talk again and get it out in the open. Explain to him that, whilst compliments are nice, his overemphasis on sex and your sexuality is becoming off-putting and not what you meant. The good news is if he can get his head around it and reconnect with you emotionally and physically you might just find over time you start to find the idea of physical love much more appealing.

Mythreefavouritethings · 13/08/2019 12:07

Why do so many people seem to want to pathologise others? Your husband is flirting and finds you sexually attractive. It is of course up to you to reciprocate or say no, but I can’t help but feel as others said this is more about your apparent disgust towards him than anything on his side.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/08/2019 12:08

emotionally and spiritually not emotionally and physically.

threemonthstogo · 13/08/2019 17:55

It does seem a bit strange when you say he gives you kisses and cuddles and you had said you had wanted affection but that's not what you meant. That is what most people would mean! What did you mean?

It does sound to be honest like you are just not sexually attracted to him any more and wanting a justification for that.

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