Tantrums: what's normal?

[dellacucina]

My 2.5 year old has a couple of tantrums a day sometimes / often.

She tantrums every morning when getting ready for nursery, and sometimes in the evening if I (her mother) am not home when she gets home.

We are currently visiting family and DD has had fairly frequent temper tantrums about silly things. Today we were sharing an ice cream in a nice ice cream shop and she screamed - really screamed - because I wouldn't let her eat from my side of the bowl (which contained choking hazard nuts).

Then we went to a shoe shop and she threw herself on the ground screaming and thrashing because she really didn't want to try on shoes.

My mother has expressed serious concern over this and she believes that I don't impose enough discipline. I pretty much never give in to the tantrums but apparently I am not punishing them appropriately. Two questions:

1. How many tantrums per day /week/whatever is normal

1. What could I be doing wrong.

I think anything goes when they’re 2!

I’ve had loads of people comment on how ‘good’ my 26 month old is but she has small tantrums every day.

On a typical day she’ll scream because she doesn’t want to get dressed. And proceed to try and hit and kick me while I’m dressing her.

Scream because I’ve said no to something. Often accompanied by falling to the floor and thrashing about a bit.

Whinge and cry because she wants to be carried and doesn’t like my options of either walking or sitting in the buggy.

Scream and run when I announce it’s bath time.

Cry when I say it’s bedtime.

Fortunately she doesn’t usually stay screaming for too long these days and I’m lucky that she’s quite good when we’re out - though she did scream and kick for a good few minutes on a crowded train the other day.

she did scream and kick for a good few minutes on a crowded train the other day. that's the worst!!!

It's not you.

It’s the child.

Maintain consistency and keep boundaries clear, but don't punish a child for struggling with their emotions.

Tantrums are shit, but normal.

What you describe sounds completely normal for her age. I would not be at all concerned, and it sounds as though you are handling them well.

Your mother sounds like she might have forgotten quite what is normal behaviour for that age - or may be concentrating on the perceived need to control/discipline over and above supporting the child’s needs. I remember from my own childhood that my mother used to get extremely angry if she had felt we had shown her up, and would punish us harshly, often forgetting in the process that she was causing damage to us that was disproportionate to the ‘crime’. She was more worried about how she looked to others than about meeting our needs. I wonder if your mother is similarly overly-focussed on ‘behaving’ in public, and how it reflects on you/her, rather than having a true estimation of your DD’s current development and ability to regulate her emotions.

I would personally either ignore her comments, or explain how these days we have a much better understanding of toddlers cognitive and emotional development, and that it is unrealistic to expect perfect emotional regulation at the age of two. You are doing your best, following current advice, and over time your DD will mature and the tantrums will become a thing of the past. Don’t let your mother undermine you.

Maybe you didn’t tantrum much. Maybe your small has forgotten. All kids are different. At that age ds1 had tantrums 3-4 times a week, dd1 had tantrums 6-7 times a day (full on screaming, throwing self on floor, kicking, biting. Stopped completely by 3 though), ds2 5-6 times a week ( still occasionally tantrums at 7!), ds3 hardly ever.
Tips- ignore. Don’t give in. Carry screaming child like away if needed, or step over and carry on your day.

Thanks! I felt it was pretty normal and her nursery hasn't said anything about behavioural problems or raised any concerns at all. In fact, they are quite positive about her!

We are staying with my mum and she now has decided to impose a time out if DD has a tantrum, leaving her alone in the laundry room. She also wants me to "pat" DD on the bottom if she is tantruming but I absolutely refused and explained this is socially unacceptable. DM shook her head sorrowfully and said that this generation of people will have no self control.

Her attitude is quite funny, thinking of her generation and how they acted in the 70s. Not sure the corporal punishment did the trick

Tips- ignore. Don’t give in. Carry screaming child like away if needed, or step over and carry on your day.

Thanks. I think I do most of this, though sometimes I get upset and argue with DD when she is being irrational. (Like in the ice cream shop I tried to explain that her side was lovely, I poured more chocolate sauce on it, etc)

With hindsight the sharing an ice cream was probably daft and could have been avoided by asking for another dish to split the ice cream. In her mind it was probably hard to grasp why she couldn't have it if her mum was.

Please don't put your 2.5 year old child alone in the laundry room on your mum's say-so. Time out is fine but up until now when we've used time out I can always still see my son (we use the bottom step in the hall). He's 4.5 now and I've now put him in his bedroom on two occasions for time out but at her young age I think that's too much personally.

The terrible twos are so called for a reason! It’s when a child starts to feel big emotions such as anger and wants independence and choice but lacks the language skills so it comes out in tantrums.
You’re doing great

With hindsight the sharing an ice cream was probably daft and could have been avoided by asking for another dish to split the ice cream.

Can't argue with this!

My 2.5y had a tantrum because I made him put clothes on before we went to the park a few days ago! Yesterday he had a tantrum because I finished my breakfast. 2 year olds are irrational beings, some more so than others! My first was a very mellow toddler and so I wasn't fully prepared for ds2, I am hoping it will get easier as he gets older!