DM epilepsy - no more childcare

[timestheybeachangin]

DM has had epilepsy all her life, normally really well controlled by medication. However, recently she’s been having absence seizures and small petit mal attacks, and a few months ago had a grand mal attack. Luckily I was with her but she lives on her own and it’s a worry. Today she’s had some absence seizures but is refusing to get them checked out, saying she’ll be fine and I’m making an unnecessary fuss.

She’s my only source of childcare but I’m going to have to stop this aren’t I? If there’s a risk if her having an attack whilst in charge of my DC. She’ll be really upset but I’m going to have to tell her this aren’t I?

Yes, you are. for both of you.

Yes, just explain to her it's safer for everyone

Sounds like it, yes, if you have reason to be concerned about safety. unless perhaps the DC are old enough to understand the symptoms and seek help if needed, eg late primary age. You can express concern and encourage her to seek medical advice.

How old are your children?

Definitely depends on the age of the children. I have epilepsy and before I was married, it was just me and DS between the ages of 3-12. It wasn’t great for him but we managed. He knew to phone grandma if I had a seizure and we had great neighbours in the flat downstairs who would always come and wait with us until my mum arrived if DS went and knocked on their door. Basically, I never bathed him or took him swimming (he had lessons with an instructor instead) Other than that we were fine.

Yes, is the short answer.
How old is your DC?
Perhaps you can avoid saying, “Due to your health condition...” and just say there’s a great local nursery you want to try. Be careful. She’s in a health crisis and a rather terrifying one.
I think bringing up childcare issues will have to be handled with kid gloves. She will be feeling down about the loss of faculties. It’s a bereavement for her because there will be many areas of her life affected by the way her epilepsy is now manifesting itself. Your poor mum.
You can solve your childcare issues.
But her illness is there and it won’t be shifting. That’s tough on all of you. Childcare will have to change. Go easy on your mum. I wouldn’t hesitate ‘white lying’ on this issue (as I said, maybe there’s a good nursery around the corner, rather than ‘you’re ill and dangerous’- which is actually the very blunt, sad truth). I feel for you all, OP.

DC are 7 and 9. She loves looking after them but I’m not sure how they’d cope if she had a big attack and was fitting.

DM only looks after my DC when I have appointments or parents evening, or if one has a party or something and the other cant go. So not for long periods of time but long enough if something does happen. DH works away a lot so I’m on my own a lot of the time. Will need to think of an alternative as it’s not fair on her or the DC really to put them in a potentially dangerous situation.

At 7 and 9 it would be distressing but not life threatening to them. If it's not regular childcare I would brief them and perhaps put a poster of instructions up of what to do at her house. Watch YouTube clips about it to prepare them.

Unless she’s driving them about I’m not sure how it would be dangerous for them?

I would stop the childcare until she has a while without any. I can't see that happening if she isn't telling her doctor though, does she have epilepsy? Seizures can be dangerous for other people, my neighbours adult son has them and he recently fell down the stairs taking her with him when she tried to stop him falling, he regularly hurts her when he has seizures, even if he's conscious he isn't in his right mind and becomes violent towards her when one is coming on. Your mum could fall on your child or fall in the road whilst with them, I'm assuming she doesn't/isn't allowed to drive? It would be extremely traumatic for a child to see their family member having a grand mal seizure.

7 and 9 are fine. Plenty of children have parents who have illnesses, occasional childcare from your DM just requires some extra thinking about but could serve them well in life - it’s helpful for them to know what happens if someone seizures. I would be tempted to contact someone who runs a first aid course and see if they can do something for you all together.

DC are 7 and 9. She loves looking after them but I’m not sure how they’d cope if she had a big attack and was fitting.

Can you train them in what to do? How to handle the seizures and who to call?

You'd be surprised how many children learn to do this and cope admirably, even at a much younger age.

She needs to get her meds reviewed, and possibly changed.

At 7 and 9 I wouldn't stop her having them, I would however teach them about Epilepsy, what happens to their grandmother and when to call 999 or to call you.

At 7 and 9 I wouldn't stop them being alone with their grandmother, just train them well so they know what to do and have strategies for coping.

I have a relative who has epilepsy that is not well controlled, she had to cope with her own children alone while her husband worked. So the children knew what to do if Mum had a seizure from a VERY young age, preschool. This included having a speed dial on the phone (marked with colour) that called the grandparents who would call 999 and immediately go and help. They learned about calling 999 when a little older.

7 and 9 year olds should be able to contact another suitable adult and keep themselves safe for a short time until help arrives.

My Nan had epilepsy and even when grown up her fits were scary and upsetting to witness, I would not want to leave my children with that responsibility, my Nan snapped her arm clean in two when fitting as it got caught under the sofa.

7 & 9 is fine. Thought you were talking about a preschooler

My mum has uncontrolled seizures (non epileptic but looks the same as a grand mal/TC) . Has seizures every week . I was brought up with it so used to it from a very young age - if they can be taught what to do, if there’s help available too ... I used to chap on the neighbours’ doors but if there’s better help than that ... ! Surprisingly children don’t seem to get frightened , I was outside in the street with mum last week and a neighbour helped , her children were in the garden and weren’t noticeably upset - a bit taken aback but more curious/lots of questions than anything else .

And yes she should go to the GP .

At 7 and 9 they absolutely need to know what to do to help gran, and you should be training them rather than keeping them from her. It might even be safer for her if she has a grand mal attack to have them there so they can get help if needed

Good point, I hadn’t thought of that.

She had it all whilst I was growing up but very well controlled. The first time I ever saw her have a fit was a few months ago and it was scary. But you’re right, my DC need to know what to do. My eldest is especially sensible so I think he’d be fine. I’ll train then up.

My friend’s mum has epilepsy and he saw her have seizures pretty much his whole life. He was taught what to do when it happened and it became part of life.

She couldn’t drive because of it so there was no risk there.

I agree at 7 and 9 no need to stop her having them. I thought you meant preschoolers. Hope she gets her meds sorted out.

Just get in the habit of not using her for care, but invite her over regularly so shes not missing out on time with them.

Weve only really got PIL for extra babysitting like this, but both have had a big step down in their health this year, we are having to reassess. I've decided come September ill be asking round other school gate mums for babysitter names, not planning on making an announcement to PIL that we wont be using them for care, just quietly asking for ideas and using paid for help, then inviting PIL over to spend time here while we're here too.