Dad shaped hole - yearning

[UnpopularOpinion]

My whole adult life I have yearned for a man to “make it all go away” “ always be stronger than me”. It has led me into many bad relationships and away from an amazing one - because he didn’t meet the yearning. I have had a bit of an epiphany I think I am looking for a man to fill the hole my dad left behind when he died when I was 11. I just thought I wanted a “strong” man. But I now realise there is a lot more than that. Now I feel I know this does anyone have any experience of their own or be able to recommend some reading? I want to get over this and be capable of healthy relationships.

Bump

I think I get you my fathers alive but vile I’ve had nothing to do with him since I was 11 and very little to do with mum as she’s pretty toxic and luckily lives hundreds of miles away BUT with an oh that lives hundreds of miles away so I’m essentially alone mostly, so it upset me this week when I had to drive my daughter to a different city for a hospital appointment the whole thing was horrific once we got near the hospital the whole area was gridlocked the car parks were full in the third car park the attendant wanted to turn me away but took pity on me I was a wreck by the time we got to the appointment and then DS got disappointing news so she was crying so I had to deal with her

All the while in the waiting room there was a smiley mum with her daughter later joined by grandad, so she and her daughter had obviously been driven to the hospital by her dad got out of the car while grandad got parked all very lovely supportive etc

It breaks me that people have mums and dads like that, that give them support with day to day stuff

. With you only being little when he passed. Do you feel like you’ve properly grieved for him. Have you considered bereavement counselling.
Sometimes when we lose people we love we try to look for their qualities in others. However we never find them and even if we do. It’s still not them, is it.
People can never ever be replaced.
That’s why life’s so precious.

Hi UnpopularOpinion
Firstly that’s incredibly positive that you’ve recognised and accepted that insight.
Did you have the space and support to grieve for him, do you think? Exploring that might be an idea, perhaps with a grief councillor.

I found The Examined Life, How we Lose and Find Ourselves by Steven Grocz a useful book, it gets you started on thinking about what you do and why you might do it. Dorothy Rowe is another really useful writer for explaining how we might move forward.

I’d feel quite positive if I were you, you’ve taken a big step to reclaiming your life. Good luck 💐

Thanks for the kind posts everyone