Rant about bastard inanimate objects

[ipswichwitch]

I’m on the verge of taking a hatchet to my printer. Trying to set it up, the “easy, no fuss wireless printing” I was promised in the multilingual instruction book had failed to materialise. For one thing, the bastard refuses to connect to the WiFi. My phone can manage it, hell DH’s iPod touch mark 1000 years old can manage it, so why for the love of Christ can’t this fecking printer cope? It’s right next to the bloody modem!!!

I’ve downloaded the app. It helpfully tells me I can print from my phone wirelessly, and all I need is the special code, enter it in the app and off we go to printing utopia. How do I get this code, I wonder. I have to print the fucker out. HOW THE BASTARDING HELL CAN I DO THAT HP ARSEHOLES WHEN I CANT MAKE MY PRINTER WORK??

I try in vain to connect my phone to the printers network. It asks for a password. Unless I’ve already had this printer in a parallel universe, I’ve not set a password up. Maybe it’s in the instructions, or maybe if I scan that QR code thing that’ll help. Nope. Back to the helpful page telling me I have to print a page to get my printer to work.

I am slowly losing the will to live. If you’re watching the 6am news tomorrow and there’s a report on a (almost) middle aged woman losing her shit and ram raiding PC World you’ll know it’s me. Easy wireless printing my arse.

I hear you my printer is also a bastard.

My tumble dryer is a bastard too, it has one job dry clothes that’s it! I live in Scotland and have 6 in our family so need a lot of washing dried. So I set it to dry clothes, or so you would think, the bastard then decided to stop and iron dry, WTAF am I going to iron towels and socks dry? I only dry what is necessary but this bastard thinks it can overrule me and stop when it wants! So I think it’s done a load but it’s only half dry.

They’re conspiring against us sweetkitty. They won’t be happy until we’re completely undone by printer rage and slightly damp clothes. I’m fairly sure the microwave is in on it - it’ll heat the container so it’s hotter than the surface of the sun, but the food in it is still room temperature. It’s either messing with my head or I’ve invented food that could be used to coat space shuttles with its impressive heat repellant properties.

Looking on the bright side, OP, you really made me laugh! You are a great writer My fridge is a tosser, the bloody thing is very strong willed and if you forget something and try and the open the door straight after closing it the bugger won't budge!!!

I also have a bastard printer, HP as it happens. I had to sprint over to a friends house for her to print my visas and holiday stuff today. Have tried everything so it's a hatchet job when I return.

My fridge is a wanker too, but not as much as my bike lock, which refused to perform one of its two core functions today - locking - resulting in me hurling it to the ground, bending the key that was still in the lock, and lying to my husband about how the key got bent. Now it's outside laughing at me. Cock.

@shinyblackdog 😂

You should try being the animatronic duster for this lot

Hopefully you’ll get some of that torrential rain we’ve had shiny, that’ll serve the bastard right. Who’s laughing now twatty bike lock?!

This thread

They’re all in on it, they plan at night/when we’re out of the house on how to make our lives as miserable as possible, I have a door handle that wishes me dead, every time I pass it grabs dressing gown belt hook and hangs on for dear life, won’t be happy till my demise

And I took an axe to a computer once, me & axe & computer in garden in Fawlty Towers style with the whipping of the car only more violence

My Now Tv stick is being a total dicksplash. It keeps pausing and freezing, I’ve had to reset it three times today and every time means re-entering passwords on all of the apps on it to get them all going. I totally sympathise OP

My Sky Q Mini. Connectivity problem every five minutes. A 45 minute recording taking three hours to watch.

user764329056 that’s pretty much where I am with bastard printer. The only thing stopping me doing the same is that it’s been pissing it down here for the last 24hours and the garden is swarming with slugs. And I don’t have an axe.

My washer has decided it has to BEEP 3 or 4 times every 30 seconds ! It is irritating the hell out of me .
I have a horrid feeling it's going to completely died on me soon.
My fridge makes all sorts of odd noises, if it was a dog I'd be convinces it was going to be sick and I'd chuck it out.

I had problems with my printer when I changed broad band provider, my new pass work contained two - but I couldn't find them on the keyboard / screen , fortunately a wise MNer pointed me in the right direction a d so saved me going out and buying a axe .

And breathe

All printers are spawn of evil. I had one to print out a Very Important university project. Had it set for double sided printing. On the second sides it started taking the paper wonky, spat a few sheets through and then started printing stuff on the wrong sheets.
Yes I drop kicked it across my room. But it was made in the early 90s and survived.
Then I fixed the paper feeder and it did work, but glowered at me until I replaced it.

Our current printer kicks up a fuss if you use the pc that's actually physically connected to it, but will print wirelessly from my crummy laptop. After sitting for ten minutes not doing anything first of course.
Bloody printers.

Computers in general are dicks. My work computer decided the other day that a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it power cut (literally I didn’t see the lights flicker, it was that short) was enough to trip the surge protector and have three members of staff on their knees trying to figure out what was wrong with the bastard thing. Then it went on a go slow for the next hour while the stupid program we have to use (designed I’m sure by people who have never worked in this area) kept bringing up random pages just because!

Ugh, technology

We've renamed our printer, she shows on the list now as "The Bitch Printer" - since then she's been slightly more amenable

Setting up a new iPhone when you cannot use your old iPhone to receive security codes etc. I honestly thought Dh was going to blow a gasket.

Although, this did happen last time and he didn't then in 3 years set up the alternative security details so..... it's kinda his fault. Although you'd have thought a massive company like Apple would have a system to deal with this. Or even his company IT department. Everyone was just 🤷‍♀️about the whole process

@SamBeckett my fridge did the puking dog/cat noises until I found the drainage hole at the back was blocked. If you lost the approved drainage hole plunger gizmo then a straw works well, or a cocktail stick. Be careful not to let go the cocktail stick so it jams itself in the hole... not that I did that

Effing bike lock don't give a shit about the weather. Is apparently in a loving relationship with DH and now wrapped around three bikes smirking at me. Fucker.

@cantfindname.
Thanks for the tip I will poke around with a straw tonight.
And if that doesn't work I will use a red hot poker !

@thenewaveragebear1983 I HATE that about iPhones! Mine got stolen and all I wanted to do was log into iCloud online to see if all my pictures from my holiday had backed up. It would have been easier to hack into GCHQ and launch a nuclear warhead. Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea for people to use their phone numbers, and only their phone numbers, to receive security codes? Have these people never lost a phone?!

I also hate my vacuum cleaner with the fire of a thousand suns. It could spot a tricky corner about 5000 miles off and get stuck in it. It was also a major contributing factor to my dislocating my knee for the second time. Absolute wanker.