Help me find please - having a child with disabilities like unexpectedly going to Belgium

[TyneTeas]

Hi

I read a few years ago an article I remember being quite powerful about likening having a child with a disability about expecting your holiday being to one place but turning out to be Belgium and there is nothing wrong with Belgium but it is not what you expected or prepared for and having to adapt.

All my searches are just turning up how accessible Belgium may be for visitors.

Does anyone have a link please and thank you!

I have a child with special needs. I like the poem and found it helpful as did many friends.
We are all different.

I am a parent to a child with ASD. I absolutely hate it. It minimises the very real difficulties we face. Having a child with a disability is in no way like accidental going to a perfectly pleasant place on holiday. A more accurate analogy would be accidentally being left in a war zone with no return ticket and unable to speak the language.

I hate it , I hate being in Holland .. each to their own though 🤷‍♀️

It's something that parents should come across by themselves and decide what they think.
I dislike all shared 'inspirational' shit about sn on Facebook.

I’d quite like to commission John Cooper Clarke to write something more suitable.

Hear, hear.

OP, I have never met a single parent with a child with a disability who finds 'Welcome to Holland' anything other than repellently patronising and belittling.

I've always found it twee and annoying too.

The poem is written from one parent's perspective and isn't intended to represent everyone else's experience. Sharing it with people and making the presumption that it must represent how they feel is the insensitive thing, rather than the poem itself.

The writer is American and maybe felt that both Italy and Holland were places a long way from her starting point, whereas from a UK perspective maybe the analogy would be more like landing in Alaska rather than e.g. Florida.

There is an alternative version, easy to find online, called Welcome to Beruit, written in response to the poem.

I would liken it to having to row across the Atlantic in a small boat which lets in water, pursued by sharks, bad weather and storms, people on passing cruises laughing and jeering at you, a boring diet of fish, constant fear and exhaustion and never any land in sight.

(the sharks represent social workers and nhs personnel)

I’m about to receive PIP paperwork and trying to get my son into a mainstream college (haha! After 7 years in special schools he’s already refusing to go to the signing up next week). This could be the tsunami for your little boat!

It is patronsing shite. This one is more like it niederfamily.blogspot.com/2010/10/amsterdam-international.html?m=1

A more accurate analogy would be accidentally being left in a war zone with no return ticket and unable to speak the language

As a couple of people have said, not everyone's experience is the same.

I have moments when ‘welcome to Holland’ is very apt and others when I don’t like it, but I’ve never felt so lost in it that it feels like a war zone.

Thank you for all responses.

I am genuinely sorry to everyone who finds the article patronising and who I may have unintentionally upset by reminding them of it. It is always interesting and helpful to have a range of views.

It was quite a few years since I had read it (hence misremembering the countries and not finding it) and whilst my reason for looking for it is not in the thread, my later posts do state that it was never my intention to forward it to others and that I also am not without relevant experience.

Thank you again to all who have responded.

I saw a play based on it. About how the parents’ marriage falls apart because they can’t cope (or the dad checks out). Powerful stuff.

I hate that poem with a passion. There's another one called Welcome to Beirut which is much closer to my experience.

Hi OP, I also made the mistake of posting about welcome to Holland a few years ago and I had exactly the same response from MN that you've had. I'm fact, some posters were so rude to me about it that it's made me never post in the SN section again. I have a medically complex child with severe learning disabilities and I've always appreciated this poem, I have a group of SN mum friends who all have children with varying disabilities who also like it so in my experience it's not true that no SN parents relate to this analogy. So youre not alone. I actually find it quite ironic that some pp's find it patronising but are quick to post patronising responses to people who just have a different outlook/experience to them

Ha. I was just coming on to say ‘Welcome toBeirut’ but snapped beat me to it.
We’re all different.

I’ve always liked it... because it was the first thing I ever saw that said, it’s ok to be feeling that this isn’t what I planned, this child isn’t the one I thought I had and yes other people do find it painful to be seeing what NT children are doing.

So yes maybe it is a bit twee, and I’ve no clue how I would have reacted if someone sent it to me instead of me just coming across it, but I like it.

I thought it was a great poem and found it useful and comforting

I liked it too. It was the first expression of hope I saw about parenting a child with SEN. That brought me immense comfort.
It is fine to find it comforting
It is fine if you dislike it
Don't assume that every other SEN parent feels the same as you either way.

@Abstractedobstructed

That’s it!

It was one of the very few things that I saw which wasn’t all ‘life’s shit, it’s all fucking awful’ or ‘god gave him to you because you’re a special parent’ 🤮

For me, it acknowledges that it’s not how I thought it would be but that’s OK. FWIW my son is amazing and although it’s fucking hard at times and I managed to upset most of the health / education people in the local area trying to get the support that he needs, I wouldn’t change him for the world. His complex needs are part of him and he’s amazing.

I am a parent to a child with ASD. I absolutely hate it. It minimises the very real difficulties we face. Having a child with a disability is in no way like accidental going to a perfectly pleasant place on holiday. A more accurate analogy would be accidentally being left in a war zone with no return ticket and unable to speak the language

^
This

I disagree, see. I don't find my son's autism anything like being in a war zone. Maybe like being on a different planet with no manual, but it's not life endangering and there are no bullets or bombs. I really don't understand that analogy. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't use it if it works for you.
Point being, we are all different.