If you had your time again...

[Fuckingawful]

Would you want to be nicer or harder? I sometimes think i spend my life doing things i dont want to do and then feeling put upon. However if i didnt do them things id feel bad. anyone else?

Does that even make sense

My boundaries have got firmer with age and I wish I’d done it before as it’s an ongoing battle that I’m still working on and always will be so I’d be in better shape had I started earlier!

I got my guilt complex from my mum and used to tie myself in knots worrying about letting people down before realising that what I want matters too (often more actually!) and that the amount I was beating myself up to do and be everything was in no way related to the benefit to others.

I’m much better at saying no and almost always people just don’t care or get over it quickly if they do. I look back and wonder what I was so bloody worried about. Every time you do it and the sky doesn’t fall in it gets easier. Perspective also helps. We’ve dealt with some awful losses over the last couple of years and I’ve got better at not over extending myself then realised you don’t have to have a “good reason” to duck out of things or prioritise doing nothing.

Strangely I’ve also ended up volunteering a lot more in various things as I have more energy to work out what I really want to do and how I can best use my energy and resources.

What’s your experience?

I can think of a few men I dated to be polite and ended up with for far too long... wouldn't make that mistake again!

i worry about not doing enough or letting people down. Ive been an unpaid counsellor one too many times

That thing about how you can’t pour from an empty jug (poor paraphrasing) is useful. You can’t give what you don’t have, whether that’s time, money, emotional energy.

If you’re not in decent shape you’ll end up no good to anyone and that includes taking on other people’s stuff.

Harder.

My big regret is not making a scene when at a party my so called friend sat face to face legs a kimbo on top of - my then so called husband -seated on a chair. I said nothing ever nor did anyone else including her husband.

Harder: if you always say Yes, people will notice and remember the one time you say No; if you always say No, people will notice and remember the one time you say Yes. The older I get, the more I wonder if there is any point in trying to be a decent person. You just get shat on and screwed over by everyone.

About the same but I wish I’d realised earlier it’s ok to be who I am and not worry about being cooler / better travelled / more alternative etc etc etc

I don't know. I learned pretty early in high school about kindness being seen as weakness and now I keep my distance from people as a result. I'm polite, not mean. But I don't go out of my way for people unless they are close friends and family. I don't do favours but neither do I expect them.

If I had my time again there are plenty of things I would have done differently. But on the whole I do think I've been true to myself.

I'd carry on through the phone book and ring the county library for a summer job, rather than stopping higher up and ringing County laboratory. It was where I met dh and he was an abusive git.

Getting divorced better late than never, but stuck it out far too long.

i would be less of a people pleaser. I sometimes think people know what theyre doing but give them the benefit of the doubt so don't confront

Harder, for certain. Like others have said, I’ve spent far too long trying to be nice, help people, accommodate the wants/needs of others and generally putting myself second. Whilst I still try to be a good person, I’m no longer the doormat I used to be.

im a giver and its exhausting