Avoiding burning out?

[Tootiredtosleep42]

Just what the title says, really. I'm a single mother with one DD. I work three days a week. I feel ashamed to admit it because other people have it so much worse but I've had virtually no "me" time since she was born and I'm more exhausted than I can begin to say. She's the best kid in the world (funny, kind to little ones, polite) but she's also three years old so she's incredibly full-on. I'm constantly severely constipated and get headaches from dehydration because I don't get to go to the loo in peace and I keep forgetting to drink. My job is like swimming in treacle because they've never had a part-timer before and they don't have a clue how to manage me. Anytime I get sick, it just won't go away. I've had GPs and colleagues telling me that I need to take a break and look after myself, but that's not an option.

I know the sensible option is to get a babysitter in occasionally, but my mother would hit the roof and I don't feel up to dealing with all that right now... I'm barely keeping my head above water and can't deal with my family too.

What the hell has it got to do with your mother, if you need some time to clear your head (and don’t we all), childcare is a perfectly reasonable option.

In terms of avoiding burning out, it sounds like you’re already there tbh. You really need to prioritise caring for yourself. You wouldn’t let your daughter be dehydrated or constipated so why is it ok for you? If your health slips you won’t be able to care for anyone so you need to start putting yourself towards the top of your list.

What childcare do you have when you’re at work? Can that be extended even by half a day to let you rest? Notice I didn’t say to let you clean, change beds, Hoover or cook - rest.

What’s your evening routine like? I tend to work hard to get everything done by bedtime (8.00pm for my two) and then stop. I might have a bath or watch tv or even go to bed with a glass of wine and a book but I stop, no housework, no laundry, if I can’t do it before 8.00 it waits. I usually get up at 6.15, kids up around 7. I use those 45 mins to pick up anything left from the night before and if possible a quick cup of tea.

Don’t be afraid to use screens to occupy her time while you do chores, so that when she’s in bed you can rest and take care of yourself. Does she have friends? I’m good friends with my DS best friends mum and we help each other out, even if it’s us having a coffee and a rant while the kids play.

I’m not a single mum, I have endless respect for folk doing this on their own, but I have had to really think about my stress and anxiety levels as a parent and these things work for me regardless of whether my OH is around to help.

Another thing we did was book our DC into a drama class which was 90 mins on a weekend day - time which we then used to go out for lunch together. Is there an activity she could do where you could even get a coffee and sit for an hour or so? I’ve Dont this at soft play tbh, she’s getting to where you don’t need to be with her every second so let her play while you catch your breath.

Do you live with your mum? If not, could she stay there for a night a week or even an afternoon?

Why would your mum hit the roof? Realistically it's none of her business.

Thanks, everyone. Honestly, you'll think I'm pathetic but I'll try to explain. I can't stand up to my mother. Last time I tried was a few years ago and I ended up on antidepressants for three years. We don't live together and I'm fast approaching forty so I don't have any excuse. I think, if your family are like mine, you'll understand, but I don't know how to explain it otherwise.

My mother covers childcare when I'm at work. This was entirely her idea and she presented it as a favour to her because she said she wanted to retire and would be able to afford it if I paid her for childcare. After a while, I wanted to add some paid childcare to give myself a tiny bit of downtime, because my arrangement with my mother was work hours only. She hit the roof and called me all sorts of names, insulted me as a mother, cried, said she might be dead soon, that I was stealing her grandchild etc. I've tried again several times since. Most recently, I told her I was going to use some of my free childcare provision from work, and this time she said she'd "do anything" to stop me doing it. I've tried to explain that I want to get some extra help in to give me an occasional break, but her attitude seems to be that motherhood is supposed to be like this and that I'm not allowed to want a break because she feels she didn't get one.

Sorry. I told you I was pathetic. I'm just too bone tired to deal with the guilt-trips and manipulation etc. Please be kind - that's about all I can deal with right now.

Could you get childcare for the odd afternoon so you and your mum could have some quality time together : make out it's like a thank you gift for her ?

Could she swap one weekday for a weekend afternoon to give you a break when you're off work ?

Also is there a nursery in a school you can get her into ?

When she goes to school will your mom be able to pick her up every day so you could maybe return to full time work ?

If your dd is 3, do you qualify for 15 free hours come September?

Can you use this provision and tell your mum it is necessary step for preparing for school to remove the judgement entirely about her/yoUr parenting? Just present it as a done deal.

Book a babysitter and not tell her. If you don't live together she'll never find out. You need to take time for yourself and you don't need to explain yourself to her.

Pre-school/nursery? You are entitled to 30 hours childcare for her if you earn less than 100k xx

I'm sorry about your mum - I do understand.

But your duty is to your daughter and she needs you well x

Just don’t tell her. Let her cover your work hours if that’s what she wants and use your free hours to cover one of the days you’re at home, so one day home with daughter, other day daughter at free nursery. If your mum finds out and complains tell her it’s in prep for school next year.

Or, let her cover your work hours and take an afternoon off here and there from your annual leave. Go to the cinema, coffee shop whatever but give yourself a break.

Your mum doesn’t have the right to decide what your experience of motherhood will be, hard as is it to get her to back off.

When she goes to school will your mom be able to pick her up every day so you could maybe return to full time work ?

That sounds like the very last thing she needs - the time she has at home while her daughter is at school will give her much needed breathing space.

Woah. Your mum and your relationship with her now and growing up is probably a big part of your depression and why you can't value your own needs. I would seriously consider booking childcare or using free hours and getting some therapy. Honestly, if she insulted you as a mother, your lives are so intertwined, it is bound be affecting your sense of yourself and your parenting. It will be the best thing for you and your child if you get some therapy. Along the way you will probably readjust your relationship with your mum. Do it for yourself. Do it for your kid. No apologies no excuses. You have many years ahead for a much better and happier existence.

God your mother is seriously very abusive.

Put DD into proper nursery, as a single parent, working tax credits will pay 70% of your childcare costs.

Imagine when you are 60 and your mother is still screaming at you and telling you what to do, you will be a grand parent yourself by then.

Dont put up with it now, as a parent.

How much are you paying Dm for the days you work? Can you switch to a CM and use your 15hours to offset that cost and maybe gain a morning for yourself?

Your mum sounds awful. Don’t tell her. Get a half day childcare one of your days off every week - at first just chill them once you’ve recovered a bit get a hobby.

You need to learn to care for yourself. If you can’t even drink enough water, then you have much to learn about mothering yourself. You need some self-compassion. Then better things will follow from that.

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate it. Crazy day today but tomorrow I'm going to check on my childcare hours entitlement. Thanks so much for the support.