How not to cry when doing sad things

[Deminism]

I have to do a reading at a memorial service soon and I need tips on how not to cry. DH never cries - not even when doing eulogy for a parent, but he had no tips. I am quite a big crier at the best of times.

I can't help you, I've been meaning to do my cats requiem at his grave and just explode everytime I open my mouth. My lovely friend is coming over to do it so I can say a final goodbye.

It's been a whole year of failed attempts.

I find, the more I try not to cry, the more tearful I become. It might be better to let yourself cry if you need to - surely no one at the service would think badly of you for this?

I would never think any less of anyone who cried in that situation, OP. In fact I would admire them for allowing themselves to feel and show that emotion in public.

It's very difficult. There are some physical things that can help - stare at the wall behind the crowd instead of at anyone. Raise your eyes to the ceiling for a few seconds if the tears are about to start. Press your tongue against the roof of your mouth if you are about to cry. These can all help tears to subside.

I would also practice a lot, so it's more reading by rote when the time comes.

Hope it goes ok

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Keep reading it now, time after time. Read it until it's just words to you.

Write it with meaning, but then practice it until it's just words on a page now. Like a performance. This worked with what I said at my dads and at my boyfriends. I cried before and after reading, but not during.

I'm a big crier and had to do this last year. I was really worried about it before hand but it was fine when it came to it.

PP's tip about looking at the ceiling works - you can't cry while looking upwards. Also have some water with you as you can't cry and drink.

I had a massive snotty cry beforehand which I think helped to get it out of my system.

Sorry for your loss

Yep look up if you feel the tears starting. Focus at back of room.

I gave the eulogy at my Dad’s funeral... Practice the reading a lot at home, and at the time, just take deep steadying breaths and relax your upper body as much as you can.

I'd agree with Herja - repeat, repeat, repeat.

I've had to do this a couple of times - and practice and repeating was what got me through. Say it over and over at home, until the meaning of the words has become engraved on your brain. Let yourself feel the emotion as you read it, and once you've done this over and over, the emotion will become less .

I did my dad’s eulogy and I found knowing the words well and lots of very deep steadying breathes helped.

I would add to the excellent advice to say that if you do wobble, no one will judge. Pause, breath deeply then carry on.

It’s a memorial service so it’s normal that emotions will be running high.

Big crier here, and when I've done readings at funerals it has definitely helped to practise, practise, practise so that is really good advice. On two occasions the funerals were in churches I was able to visit beforehand so I could practise in the actual setting and this helped enormously - would that be possible? All the best

I'm a crier. I find pressing my tongue really hard into the roof of my mouth helps. Obviously won't be much use if you're trying to speak, but just to compose yourself instead.

I have read at similar occasions and prefaced it with "this is very sad and I may cry" as I looked at the congregation. I caught the eye of one of my mum's friends and her little smile at me helped. But others would find that weird maybe. Agree with others, practise lots and pick a point in the room or a person to read to.people will understand your emotion. I am sorry for your loss.

Oh OP, poor you. Definitely agree about practice, it will really help. The other thing that has helped me in the same scenario sounds odd, but worth a try. I dug a finger/thumbnail into my other fingers or palm - quite hard - whilst speaking, and somehow that made me focus and prevented me from crying. Whilst sitting waiting to speak, I did the same thing, but into the back of my knee, to stop me from going up in tears to speak. A TV presenter had said that's what they did to stop them from crying during really sad stories, so that's where it came from.

One other thing, if you do cry, it's absolutely fine, no-one will think less of you.

These are good tips. Thank you

Agree with PP, it sounds weird but I pinched the side of my ribs (it doesn't look obvious as I have my arms slightly crossed) when I was in my previous job, dealing with sad circumstances. Also used it when I read at a funeral, pinched my upper thigh while reading, it kind of shocked me out of crying and kept me "in the zone" Sorry I'm probably not explaining well. It was obviously never hard enough to make me flinch, just enough to focus my energy on the sensation and not the lump in my throat.