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Standing around like a lemon - social etiquette

8 replies

BlueMoonAndRedNose · 10/08/2019 06:53

This happens to me a fair bit so I must be the problem, but anyway.

Say I am chatting to a friend/acquaintance around the town where I live, work, a coffee shop, a bar... maybe we've bumped into each other, maybe it's at the end of an exercise class, maybe we've gone for coffee...

So we are deep in conversation and another person the friend I'm with knows, happens to go by. If it's me who knows them and I am already talking with someone else, more often than not I will acknowledge the new person, try to be polite but end the interaction as soon as possible as I'm with someone else; if I feel it's going to take longer then I involve the person I was with originally.

However what happens to me a lot is that the person I am with will engage fully with the new person without involving me. Initially I try to be a part of it by smiling and laughing with them, but soon it's clear I have nothing to do with whatever they're talking about and maintaining that position is exhausting, so I'll stop doing that and then feel uncomfortable because I've just been left hanging.

There's a couple of women at work that do it every single time so I no longer engage with them because I feel they are rude and treat me like a second rate person. Other times however, I genuinely don't know what the best thing to do would have been.

How does everyone else navigate these interactions, if you even know what I'm talking about?

OP posts:
origamiunicorn · 10/08/2019 07:14

You're not alone OP happens to me too. I was at a work event recently and someone came up to my colleague and started reminiscing (all fine) but what annoyed me was my colleague basically moved to stand in front of me to talk to this woman with her back to me so I was completely cut out! I felt exactly how you described OP (considering I at least introduce people when I'm in my colleagues position and try and keep them involved as well) I was so fed up due to this happening often, I just wandered off to the buffet and just went to chat to people I know and let her just find me.

What I also hate is when you're talking in a group and you haven't finished and someone interiors with something completely non related.

Friend A: How's work Unicorn?
Me: Great thanks, actuy the other day I ..
Friend B: Ooooh Friend A what do you think of this as a baby's name?
Me: 🤨

I wouldn't take it personally OP, I just think there are rude people out there, sometimes they don't know they're being rude but sometimes people are knowingly rude to people who they think won't mind or say anything about it.

BlueMoonAndRedNose · 10/08/2019 07:33

Thanks Origami , I have experienced what you have described too. I no longer take it personally although I used to. It used to really hurt my feelings. Now I am genuinely puzzled as to how I'm supposed to act when this happens (a lot), but as I grow older I give less of a shit about others. There's been a couple of occasions at work when the same person has done this to me so I have simply left. Somehow I end up feeling I'm the one who's been rude, but if I hang around I'm just allowing someone else to be rude to me. I do seem to be treated as I'm quite low in the food chain by some people.

OP posts:
OneKeyAtATime · 10/08/2019 07:46

' I will leave you two to it' will normally get your friend their conversation to end. If not you are free to go :)

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Waytooearly · 10/08/2019 07:51

It's really bad manners, but some people just never learned how rude it is. Don't take it personally.

YouMaySayImADreamer · 10/08/2019 08:10

I can't say it happens constantly to me, but it is such a rude thing for people to do and it does happen fairly regularly.

I think you are probably a certain type of person - kind and polite - but so many other people, whilst they aren't unkind, are overly interested in being social butterflies/climbers. I have noticed a lot of people like to be seen to, or feel that they have a wide social circle and so spread themselves quite thinly in a bid to be "friends" with everyone.

In this situation I would probably say something along the lines of "right, i'll leave you to it anyway, was lovely to see you/see you next week". I guarantee you will not be seen as rude. I actually think people respect you more for it.

Daffodil2018 · 10/08/2019 08:13

I would ask lots of interested questions to try and involve yourself in their conversation (which should also make them realise they're not including you).

BlueMoonAndRedNose · 10/08/2019 11:36

I have tried that sometimes Daffodil2018, always makes me feel a bit of a pillock as it's so forced.

YouMaySay this is so true!!
are overly interested in being social butterflies/climbers. I have noticed a lot of people like to be seen to, or feel that they have a wide social circle and so spread themselves quite thinly in a bid to be "friends" with everyone

I work with a few people like that. In fact, quite a few. I am always amazed that others don't see through it but I guess everyone's playing the game...

OP posts:
YouMaySayImADreamer · 10/08/2019 12:21

bluemoon I think you are spot on with everyone just playing the game. I am in my 30s and I feel like I have only recently realised this!

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