Hi Op, i did, 10 yrs ago.
Moved to a county 73 miles north of London,from London. Me, DH and young Dc's. It has been a disaster for us from the start. We live in a picturesque village and on the face of it it looks beautiful and idyllic. If you came to my house now you would think i am living the
dream. 4 bed detached, multiple drawing rooms,
sprawling lawn, big gates to property, thatched properties all around,the smell of fresh horse shite outside and horses being ridden on the path outside. But, i am currently sitting here ,in my large magnificent farmhouse kitchen , writing this alone while nursing a generous G&T. A G&T that i nurse most nights. My reality being that i have not seen a grown up since 22nd July. The real
reality is that while i have thrown myself into everything the last 10yrs i have lived here, nothing comes back. Dont get me wrong, people are pleasant. Exchange greetings when you see them but thats it. I have been used an awful lot, all the bum jobs at the village hall, PTA stuff that no one wants to do and of course all the unpaid childcare playdates i accommodated. I tried , believe me i tried ..i joined PTA, helped out at all sch events, joined village WI, did open gardens, had coffee mornings at my house, lunches at my house, dinners at my house, walking clubs, halloween events at my house , xmas events at my house , easter events at my house , royal wedding events at my house, spent a fortune, but i still failed . Everyone came, accepted my hospitality and then went home. Never reciprocated.
All in a vain attempt to make friends and connections.
I have burnt myself out hosting things, organising, filling time and travelling miles to find something interesting to do.
We were away last week for 7 days and dreaded coming home. I am so thank full i have a job now, a term time role and i am counting the sleeps until term starts again and i can go back to work and be around people. Apart from my DC’s i have had no grown up interaction at all this summer. Thats not unusual, thats what living here is like. However, i have watched all my neighbours and sch mums socialise with each other.
No one calls, no one texts, no one visits. I am sat here , having given the kids a busy week, nursing a G&T on my own, having not spoken to an adult since term ended on 22nd July.
Rural people don't tend to move , so i have discovered, so they have all the family and friends around them they need. I am surplus , there also seems to be a underlying resentment to people who move here from the south as locals feel “priced “ out and “invaded” . Perhaps thats why i am ignored. I’m a southerner! They forget of course that i too was priced out of my home town and left everything i and my family held dear behind us to start a new and better life.
My children hate it here especially now they are late teens: Here are a few of their daily gripes:
"Wifi poor"
“ no phone signal”
"No public transport"
"Its boring" " there is nothing to do"
" its stuffy here, feel closed in"
" wish we were in London or near the sea"
“We are miles away from anywhere good”
“There is nothing to do”
“No, we don’t want to walk across fields again filled with sheep shite”
“Everyone is horrible, our old neighbours played football with us and gave us sweets”
“Our old neighbours let us feed their fish”
“ our old neighbours made us hot chocolate”
“ mum, we had a power cut this eve and no one came to see us” ( our elderly neighbours in London always came to me and the DC’s in a power cut to see we were ok with their black out kits)
When we lived in London and it snowed, all the local men would come out and clear the snow from the paths of mums with kids and the elderly. I shovel my own snow now and i’m 50. During the beast from the east we were left to our own devices. My DC’s helped me and thankfully i had a freezer full of milk, bread and foods. The village tractor came out to get supplies for others but not us. Luckily i had monitored forecasts and stocked up a plenty. There are many strapping men in this village..the paths and roads stay blocked ! The council is also bankrupt so they do nothing either. My DC’s and I clear our own paths..physically and metaphorically!
This ultimately strained my relationship with my DH and we separated early 2018 as a result. I blamed my DH for us being here and he now finally admits that. It is solely his fault we are here. He was not ambitious or energetic and as a result we moved here, to an area that suited him and provided him with the least inconvenience, less travel, least effort for him and ultimately not what was best for me, the DC’s and us as a family. We wanted to move to the coast. My ex DH admits that we ended up here because it was what was easy for him. We had to leave to London and the Midlands suited HIM the best. It was all about him and never about us, me and the children. ExDh then refused to put himself out there once here, to make friends, join clubs, societies, be involved in village life etc as he had workmates and all the social interaction he needed and not here during the day. He did not care or need new people. Plus he spent all his free time watching football so he was happy. This was just a house, four walls , somewhere where his family lived and the washing was done and we all slept safely. As a result it fell to me to make the new connections and new friendships. I failed.
I could not do this on my own. My DH had his work and uni mates and that was that. We could have been living on Mars for all he noticed because it did not affect him one bit.
Fast forward 8 yrs and i decided xmas 2017 that 2018 was the year that my DC’s and I decide our own futures and where we live. We would be in charge and decide the quality of our lives and not my now exDH, and thats what my DC’s and i have done! We are going to move but youngest DC has 2 more yrs left of sch. We have to wait 2 more yrs and then we leave here.
Just when i thought the DC’s and i had this this all sussed and we were moving forward we had the most terrible personal year of our lives in 2018, culminating in the passing of my father. As a direct result of living here and the lack of friendship from those living around us and at sch, the DC’s and i had absolutely no choice but to cope totally alone. When i say alone, i mean totally and utterly alone, no one, nada, nobody, all by myself, me myself and I! All my neighbours in the village and all the sch mum friend mums and the DC’s friends families knew what a tough time we were having but NO ONE came to see us.,NO ONE ! In fact they went out of their way to avoid us. This is when i realised l we had no one to call on here.
My eldest son has now completed his degree and has moved back to London. He is forging his new life and we are so proud of him. Leaving me and my youngest DC here in the miserable midlands. We too have now decided to leave, there is nothing here for us. We arrived as a family of four and now leave 10 yrs to the day as a family of 2, broken. The boundaries of what we will accept have been pushed to their limits and tested here. I personally found new limits as did my DC. We personally hate this county and are very quietly exiting it, we are going back home, down South, where we should have stayed. Just like everyone advised us to 10 yrs ago. We leave here now as a family of 2.
Op, if you move away you need to make sure that yr DP is fully on board. You need to take into account the needs of you and your children as well , not as they are now but when they are older. Ultimately YOU need to make sure YOU are happy so that YOU flourish and feel satisfied in this world. Your DH needs to be on board and do his bit also to help integrate you all into your new community. If you are not happy, your family will not be happy.
Choose your new location wisely OP. Find a kind and welcoming community to support you and yr family in this world when times get tough. When times are good all seems bright, when times are bleak thats when you realise you need people. Its when those people are not there you realise how alone you are. Find a community that will support you if you move away.
All the very best to you OP. 💐