Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

DH’s week-related anxiety. How can I help him?

10 replies

TR888 · 08/08/2019 08:44

My husband has been a social worker for the last twenty years or so. He has never enjoyed his job and it has been directly responsible for several bouts of quite severe anxiety. At those points, he quit his job but eventually went back to it as he felt that was the only thing he knew how to do. He once tried lecturing but it didn’t work either due to his self-esteem issues.

He recently started on a different area after a long break from work. His anxiety has returned and I know he will end up quitting. To be fair, the work environment he is in sounds awful so it’s not just him.

I’m in a very different situation. I work full time, love my job, want more responsibilities and would like to study to get more qualifications.

I am the higher earner and I’ve supported him through the different periods he’s been off work. We manage on my salary, but I admit I don’t like having to worry about money when we don’t have to. I also resent always being the one propping things up at home, if I’m honest. For example, I’ve recently had some difficulties at work and he asked me not to discuss them with him as he found it stressing to hear about them. That really upset me very much and I haven’t discussed my work with him since, despite his apologies.

He is an excellent father to our three children and can be a brilliant husband when in a positive mood. He is currently in therapy to manage his anxiety but it’s having a limited impact.

Help.

OP posts:
TR888 · 08/08/2019 08:46

Work-related Not week-related anxiety...

For clarification, this current job is on a different area of social work to the one he used to be in. But it’s still socials work.

OP posts:
TR888 · 08/08/2019 09:09

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
WTF99 · 08/08/2019 09:16

Social work is really hard and stressful ime of working alongside social workers so I'm not surprised he's anxious.
Is GP involved? May need an antidepressant as well as therapy.
As for the future....I'm not sure there are any many social work jobs which wont have this kind of stress attached to them...

moanyhole · 08/08/2019 09:19

Is he on any medication for his anxiety? If its work related though its unlikely to improve unless he changes tack. Ive been through this with my own dh and the only thing that eventually helped was for him to work inanother area altogether. He went back to uni to do this.
Another auggestion is for him to consider work in the intellectual disability area. I used to work in this sector and the social workers were under far less pressure than they would have been in other sectors. Its worth considering this.

Bookworm4 · 08/08/2019 09:19

He’s not really a great husband is he?
He’s spent a career giving up, having time off and left you to shore up the family and isn’t interested in your worries.
He sounds very self centred, your high earning job has enabled him to carry on like this, yes he’s anxious but that can’t control your relationship and your ambitions.

shhhFFS · 08/08/2019 09:35

Has he ever considered a total change in direction to something more liberating of pressure that could cause anxiety depending on what his triggers are?

My DP used to do office work but his anxiety was awful so switched entirely towards an outdoor manual labour role and has never looked back, loves being outdoors, no deadlines as such, and finds relative peace in this.

I also had a friend who had anxiety who quit career to just work a couple of part time jobs, supermarket, restaurant work etc as they were pressure free jobs.

Obviously they will not produce the same income but would something be better than nothing for taking the pressure off you?

TR888 · 08/08/2019 09:45

Hi,

I think a complete career change is the way forward. He’d love working outdoors. sHhhFFS, what does your husband do now?

My DH’s anxiety is very real and he’s not “lazy” or being enabled. On the other hand, it is also very true that I’m starting to feel resentful. I just want the lovely man he can be back.

OP posts:
shhhFFS · 08/08/2019 10:11

He started off doing garden maintenance but has progressed to hard landscaping and is doing really well for himself.

His anxiety is also very real and was not work related but work made itt far worse. He still takes medication and occasionally still has bad bouts but he is able to manage it will enough that it doesn't take hold enough to stop him in his tracks.

TR888 · 08/08/2019 12:08

Thanks, everyone. It’s so difficult. I can’t bear to see him be so upset but on the other hand, I really don’t like the impact of his anxiety on our family or on me and my own life/professional choices.

OP posts:
Headinabook55 · 08/08/2019 14:07

What about a groundskeeper/caretaker at a school?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread