What does supporting adult D.C. look like?

[Laterthanyouthink]

I struggle to balance supporting adult D.C. with my own expectation that they should be responsible for themselves. How do you support without taking on responsibility for them?

I mean all kinds of support, emotional, financial, practical, anything really.

My kids are younger, but speaking as an adult and the support I've had from my parents, I'd say the following.

Emotional support - my parents are always there for me at the end of a phone but it's best if they don't get too involved. So eg when I was dumped by a boyfriend I wanted a shoulder to cry on but not opinions about what went wrong etc.

Financial support - my parents have supported me financially in the past and it is very much appreciated. I think it works best if it's alongside, rather than instead of, financial outlay from the adult child (eg a contribution towards wedding costs or a house deposit but not the full amount).

Practical - providing babysitting for my DC is the big one I can think of! And is very welcome.

We've agreed to help our young adults with house and car but they are expected to save money too. We will help them if they help themselves. They are paying us "rent" but they are putting it into a help to buy isa. We are fortunate that we can afford to do this. We pay for holidays if they come with us. They pay if they are going with friends.

At the moment they are new adults so I'm going to have to get used to having less say in their lives. It's hard letting go isn't it. I'm trying to be guided by them. Interested but not too nosy. I moan about them leaving stuff around the house or anything that impacts on the house and us but otherwise it's their life, their choice. I try not to get too involved but I probably am

Depends on the individual DC. Mine live at home, don’t expect favours and don’t take advantage. The emotional support is reciprocal, I’m not in a position to help them financially but we all get along and support each other.

Oh and they were expected to get part time jobs whilst at college. They have to make some effort themselves and make some sacrifices themselves before we will help them financially.

We will help them get a mortgage if they don't earn enough to borrow the required amount, by acting as a guarantor but they'll have to manage then with a lodger etc. We are not expecting to support them long term. Just to give them a leg up.

Mine are just moved out.
We topped up one at uni, they both paid for their own driving lessons.
They've both moved out, we physically moved them, paid deposit or first month rent.
Made sure first shop was done.
Made sure they had enough in the bank for first bills.
Helped them organise bank accounts and direct debits so it's all automatic.
Then available by face time to talk through problems.
I believe you support them to be independent.

I think as adults family support should be reciprocal. It is about an adult relationship. So help with babysitting yes, but they should also be helping with things you struggle with. Emotional support yes, but it should be both ways. Family support each other, but being an adult is about giving and receiving support.

Speaking as someone in their late 20s

Financial - I know it would be there if I need it but I've never sought it, though I'm currently a bit skint so won't object to them paying if we meet each other and eat out.

Practical - probably the biggest one for me. Dog sitting has been a massive help. Sometimes help with something a parent is much more skilled in than me (eg plumbing if dad was a retired plumber - I do most of my own DIY but sometimes DF can do it 10x faster and a bit cheaper...). When I landed in hospital after an accident they came and stayed in my home and dog sat. They're not doing my laundry or anything like that but they do help.

Emotional - tbh they don't do much of it. My parents aren't emotional creatures!

I do support them too - particularly with care of a relative, so not a totally one way street.

Thanks for replies, I think I struggle with the 'don't get too involved' aspect without seeming uncaring and also I'm a problem solver which makes it hard not to jump into offering solutions in a situation. I don't think I am good at the emotional support, partly as I don't entirely understand it!

Have one adult child living away from home but currently part-dependent on us for financial support as the school she attends does not give access to student loans. She has medical issues, is part-disabled and has some MH problems, mainly a tendency to severe anxiety. Basically, she knows she can ring any time of night and day and I will listen but not come running. Will be more likely to listen than try to problem solve, but if I do make suggestions she knows I will not be offended if she rejects them. She has made it clear that she needs to be able to rant about people at times and trust me not to take against them forever, but she also knows that I have the right to say "ok, I don't think I can take more ranting just now". I also know her well enough to know the kind of topic that will help to lead her thinking into more positive territory. When she lived at home & was working, she contributed part of her salary & shopped & cooked one meal/week.

She would also listen to me if I needed an understanding ear, provided she is well enough mentally. And if one of us needed help, she would try to be there for us.

Also have a 19yo living at home, having just left college. He is currently on holiday with us, but is looking for work. Will be expected to make a financial contribution & provide one family meal/week. Basically gets treated as an adult: is expected to let us know when he is not going to be in for supper & when he won't be coming home at night, but otherwise allowed to come & go as he pleases, as long as he doesn't disturb the rest of us. Would rather tear his tongue out than confide in us most of the time, but knows we would listen & try to help in an emergency. He was very kind and helpful when his grandmother was dying, so would expect support if something happened to us, but would be a little bit reluctant to ask, as I know his childhood was overshadowed by his sister's difficulties.

@Laterthanyouthink Remember you won't always be there to problem solve, so they have to learn to do it for themselves. Emotional support is just listening and saying things like - that sounds hard. You can also ask a few questions to help them think of how to problem solve themselves. But a lot of the time people know what they need to do, or there is nothing they can do e.g. break up. All they want is someone to listen and care.
The other issue with trying to problem solve is if you get it wrong. No one looking in can totally understand every nuance of a situation. If you problem solve and get it wrong for your adult kids, then that is a hard place to be.

Also people build self esteem by doing things a bit difficult and succeeding. Young adults who do not have the opportunity to do this because someone such as a parent smooths their path, usually have pretty low self esteem.

You all make very good points!