"Getting" to sleep

[Sparklyboots]

My DP has always struggled to sleep, and his language around this is full of this struggle. I have a suspicion that his way of framing how sleep happens is not really helping him in his struggle for sleep. I don't think you "get" yourself to sleep, it's more like you lie still and quiet and sleep happens. I appreciate that he is struggling with the lying still and quiet, especially the quieting of his mind. But half his brain noise and agitation is about sleeping.

Obviously I am not going to volunteer my insight, because I'm just a twat who has NO IDEA what it's like to suffer and struggle as he does. So I thought I'd share it with you lot instead

It’s a vicious circle. Last year I had a horrific bout of insomnia, not so much falling asleep at night but waking in the very early hours and not being able to resettle. It was all triggered by GAD and the less I was sleeping the more anxious I got about not being able to sleep. Nobody does it on purpose, it’s not something you can just ‘do’.

Insomnia is a bugger. What does your DP currently do to try and sleep? What's his 'routine' for bedtime?

I know that for me, I could lie quiet and motionless for hours and sleep still wouldn't come!

Headspace app, sleepcast

Oh he cba with shit like routines. I have helpfully researched and looked into it and patiently gathered together articles on sleep hygiene, bought lavender and other soporifics, all of which he found aggravating and borderline offensive. I think he likes the moaning more than he dislikes the lack of sleep

Ask him to google progressive muscle relaxation. It works for me.

Georgie can I ask what you did to get over your insomnia please? I also have the waking early thing.

There are things like "sleep hygiene" which may help some people and if he's not willing to even try the basics, he won't get anywhere.

I had a phase of frequent wakings due to stress/ anxiety and I'd wake, look at the clock and think "Oh no, I've only got 3 hours left to sleep" and would fret. I then changed the thought to "Oh good, I've got 3 hours left to sleep" and it relieved the pressure and I shut back off to sleep better and the phase passed on. Obviously it's not a cure-all, but setting a postive frame of mind and helpful habits are important to stand any chance of making improvements.

I have a DS like this. Really, it's about choices. He won't take responsibility for getting off WiFi and machines, or getting up in the morning, or food routines like mealtimes. He won't use headspace or get up at the same time/keep regular hours, or have music off in bed. But then, he's a bit of a difficult older teen at the moment. Your DH can choose to take responsibility, and try the accepted approaches.

Then if they don't work for him after a month of genuine trying, then he has a genuine issue and can see a doctor for help. If he goes beforehand, they'll put him though that list first anyway.

The Nhs sure is good, as is MIND, as is the following:

sleepcouncil.org.uk/seven-steps-to-a-better-nights-sleep/

Sounds like you're brassed off with his moaning. Leave him to it. If you've tried to help and he's not interested in anything you've suggested, let him get on with it. Do you share a bed? How does it affect you at night?

Melatonin can help with actually getting to sleep though it doesn't always keep you asleep.

I can understand his frustration though if he genuinely suffers from insomnia, it can ruin your life. Though right now it sounds like it's ruining yours too!

@MrsIronfoundersson

A few things actually, not sure which one worked. I still get it very very occasionally but nothing like last summer.

• switched to decaf tea in the evening
• if I did wake I got up and came downstairs
• made our bedroom extra dark
• always same bedtime routine
• no looking at clock if I wake
• CBT did the anxiety
• briefly took Kalms tablets (literally two weeks)

Following as I am struggling with sleep as well, and confirm that lying still and quiet does not guarantee sleep - if only it was that simple! Have tried a lot of the sleep hygiene stuff and it helps a little bit.