Not coping with summer holidays

[Bedsidedrawer]

I have four kids all age ranges and I'm a sahm.
I lost my MIL last year who was a big support and I have no family of my own.
DH is great but works long hours and our marriage is in a bit of a rut since his mum died. We gave everything supporting his family and his Dad and it left me on the verge of a breakdown.
I've had weeks now on my own and I'm so low and depressed. I used to love the summer holidays but this time I'm full of rage, resentment and exhaustion.
No friends seem to be about or willing to offer a bit of company. I'm so lonely.
My kids are great but I'm at the point where I just shut myself away and cry dreading the next MUM!
All I see on Facebook is everyone doing lots of exciting things together and the usual guilt tripping posts re you only get 18 summers with your kids so enjoy them.
I can't afford clubs or they're booked up. I've done the usual library, craft, baking Mary Poppins shit and it just makes me feel dead inside.
I want a job but no confidence to try one
I just can't see any joy going forward just the never ending drudge and being constantly needed and nothing for myself.
I know this is so self-pitying and I used to be such a positive person, such a devoted mum and wife. I used to love my life and now sometimes I dream of swimming out to sea and letting the waves wash over me (I would never do this it's just such a peaceful thought)

Have you got any free activities in your area? We found quite a lot near us through looking online

Sounds like you need some time doing something of your own - can you plan an September evening class or can your partner agree to reduce hours every Wednesday (for example) to give you time away? Can you plan a night away to see a friend? Evening out with your partner?

I do get where you are coming from. My mum does a few years ago - and finding time to grieve, feel angry, be alone was really hard. I let them go feral these days - they seem just as happy.

All I see on Facebook is everyone doing lots of exciting things together and the usual guilt tripping posts re you only get 18 summers with your kids

18 summers! God help us all!

Summer holidays are really tough...you'll find the people who love them usually have tons of support, obedient children and plenty of money.

Hi bedsidedrawer I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling, you are not alone I'm sure and I too have had many a long rainy school holiday struggling so know a bit how you feel. You sound like a very good loving mother who is having a very very rough time and you've obviously had things going badly for a while to get to this point.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your feelings? I think you should seek some help there esp feeling rage and depressed. (although to some extent these feelings are normal, it's just if you think it is getting overwhelming) It sounds like you really need a bit of respite for a few hours a week from somewhere, easier said than done I know. Also would you consider looking at local churches and seeing if there is anything on there for yourself or the children.

Please don't think that being a SAHM is not a job it's a career (!) I would say and sometimes amidst all the drudgery it's hard to see it that way but honestly raising 4 humans you are doing the most important job. That's not to say you shouldn't look for some other work to fit round your life it's just that I read so many mums saying that they feel worthless just being a mum ...there's no 'just' about it.

Facebook..... again, this can be a real confidence and morale crusher when you see others posts of their holidays or whatever. I don't look at it, people are just showing off the seemingly best bits of their lives, you don't know what else goes on. I don't think it does any good to judge yourself on what others' lives look like. You know someone could be looking at you and thinking 'lucky woman she has 4 lovely children'!

And children don't need our attention (other than obvious safety stuff) and to be entertained (have money spent on them) all the time, this seems to be a modern way of life but honestly children do not need to be entertained by adults all the time. They have strong imaginations and can entertain themselves more than we realise.

Hope you get some help Bedside, and can soon get back to what you were with some positivity.

I bet your kids are having fun without spending lots. If you want something different could you camp in the garden? Are there any local parks running activities. Keep inviting friends. Do the kids have anything they want to do. Ignore the fb posts...

This is sad to hear.
How old are your children?

I would say you need to try and discuss this with your dh and see how he can help once he knows the issues clearly, and how you can improve the situation for the future.

A few ideas for these holidays depending on ages:

Get a cheap tent, set up in garden and let them 'camp' overnight. Could do a small bbq and marshmellows etc.

Join the national trust if local enough

I would try and carve out some time for just you where you can go alone and do whatever for a few hours. Try and arrange that that your dh is back on time after work so you can go off one evening per week, and a few hours at the weekend alone if your alone all week with the children. Join a class or club, meet a friend, go for a walk in peace.

Depending on the ages of children, maybe discuss with them how they can be a bit more independent and not just call or rely on you for everything as its so wearing.

Thank you so much for your posts, they really do help x
Yes I'm trying to stay off social media
I do need a break and I do think most of it is grieving but probably mild depression/anxiety too.
Not sure whether to medicate or not as it might get better when they are at school
I'm thinking of doing a course

People only post edited best bits on social media op, that's a fact, no ones life is as amazing as they'd like you to think.

Glad to hear Bedside, it would be worth considering a chat with your doc though and saying,
Not sure whether to medicate or not as it might get better when they are at school. you;ve been through /going through a lot and sounds like you need to talk it through.

A course sounds great! More ..get yourself a big vase

Hi there.. I totally understand. I'm crippled with loneliness this holiday. Single parent with an 8year old autistic son. No family...friends (even with SEN kids) haven't bothered to check in on me and for some reason I'm burning with resentment which is not like me..They all have partners though and other kids. I'm out most of the day and have been in tears this afternoon..im currently sitting outside an open air pool freezing as my son is having a good time..already had a short break to Yorkshure which was hell and the same planned for notting hill carnival exodus..naff all to look forward to and most days are the same. Long and lonely with my non verbal son sorry I have no advice I'm just taking each day as it comes x

MilkandCornflakes Hugs x

If you can wangle the time I'd really recommend counselling. I've just had two sessions as was feeling very overwhelmed, in a rut and full of anger. Dr had prescribed me sertraline but I felt very reluctant to take it so decided to try counselling first. My counsellor's given me some really helpful strategies and I am feeling more positive already. Could be worth a try.

@Milkandcornflakes. . Sorry, that sounds so hard. I really hope things improve for you

Deleting social media will help, I promise. It does nothing but hamper self esteem issues, you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to other people’s bullshit ‘my life is soooo perfect’ posts. A photograph is a snapshot, I guarantee at some point during that day one of their kids will have thrown a wobbler. I don’t think a ‘perfect day’ with children actually exists.

I use the app Hoop, brilliant and often free local activities on there. I’d also be asking your DH for a break, maybe go do something for yourself on one of his days off. You deserve it.

I agree with everything Shadypines said. Being a SAHM is an important job.

You feel spent and wrung out and need to do something for YOU op! Would ring-fencing some time for yourself be possible, if not now, maybe in September? A couple of hours doing something creative maybe?

Holidays aren't really holidays for SAHMs but it feels worse ifyswim because you expect them to be different and carefree! (Well, if not carefree then a bit more relaxed but really you have the same cooking and washing and no "me" time!)

I think you get to a certain age as an SAHM and just feel sick of it all! I definitely can relate to wanting a job but not having the confidence to try one!

One tip is to give them short ladders, duvet covers, pillows, pegs, blañkets and cartons and let them make a huge den for themselves - that always works with mine! And don't be afraid of dragging them somewhere you would enjoy going to, like an outdoor market or antiques fair or art gallery something! It doesn't have to be all child-centred, you get to take a turn too! X

milkandcornflakes if you post on an boards asking for activities in your area, and mentioning you feel isolated, I bet there would be others in the same boat who would respond! Good luck to you x

Sn boards not an boards

I'm totally burnt out. My partner works away in the week so it is me and two girls (3 and 6) all day every day and I hate it. I love my girls but the tension in my body by Friday afternoon (now) is crushing. No family nearby and a lot of my friends are either teachers or have partners who are so ironically they kind of disappear into family land during the holidays or take the time to go away for extended periods. It's super tough. If there is anything at all you can do to claw out some time for yourself, do it. Or plan something for September. And just do what you have to do to survive. No guilt. I usually do a lot of batch cooking or cooking from scratch but we're hitting the prepacked goods hard. They eat a lot of ice lollies. Bribery is all the rage. I bought a lot of sugar free, colour free, everything free lollies and I just dish those out like some kind of candy crazed mother shaped vending machine stuck on spew. We go out everyday. Even if it's just to the park. The bloody park. And when you think you literally cannot engage in one more discussion about some minutia of My Little Pony lore (or whatever your kid is into) try smiling and nodding and singing "Heaven is a Place on Earth" in your head REALLY LOUDLY. Like you're June in Handmaids Tale, only instead of being driven to the edge by a religious fundamentalist regime, you've just hit some kind of parenting wall and your rational brain is leaking out your nose. Each day pick a new name for your kids to call you. So...not mum. Guppy. Mrs Butt. Batman. Refuse to respond to any other name. Allow the house to go to shit. Get cool with it. Really get down with the the mess. Do not fold any laundry. Have a laundry heap. Turn the TV off and let them be bored. Turn the TV back on again whenever you need to. Cry if it helps. Apologise when you snap. And try to get enough sleep.

You have all my sympathy, every single bit of sisterly solidarity. We're basically halfway now. You can do it.