Help with angry toddler please

[Washpot]

I posted this in parenting and on 90 days but had no/ minimal responses so posted here for more traffic. Hoping to get helpful advice here please....I really don’t want to resort to AIBU....

I’ll start by saying that I love the bones of my 2 and a half year old ds but he is bringing me to my knees.

He is a very emotional child. He can be super happy and funny and entertaining when things are going well and I do enjoy his company. I know toddlers are hard work but he is now getting to the point where I can’t or rather don’t know how to handle his meltdowns.

However, days like today are now becoming more the norm and I’m at the end of my rope. If something doesn’t go his way, he flips. He is SO angry and SO aggressive. He shakes and screams at the top of his lungs with this horrible shrill sound and this look of sheer fury in his eyes, he kicks and bites and scratches me sometimes until I’m bruised or bleeding.

I try to avoid confrontation and saying no but sometimes it just isn’t possible. Today I bought him an ice cream and then he decided he wanted a different one. I explained he’d chosen that one and he couldn’t. He lost it. I know it’s hard for him to understand but I really can’t just buy him something else (and even if I wanted to I had no more cash on me).

He hates when things come to an end (such as time at the park) so I try to count down and give him a chance to choose one last thing etc but he won’t leave and runs away, flips out and hits me. I got so many awful looks today at the park as I had to carry him out screaming as my parking ticket was almost running out (and this was with me allowing extra time to get him out).

He throws his food at me and refuses to eat. I’ve tried giving a simple choice (eg carrots or peas?) but whichever choice I offer, as soon as I put it down, he wants the other and he loses it again. I’ve tried not offering a choice and just putting food down but that doesn’t work.

We’ll get ready to go to the park and then he’ll refuse to leave the house. This would be fine if I didn’t also have my dd who needs to have a life.
He has a desperate need to be in control so I try to let him have control over small things that are appropriate but some things we just HAVE to do as life can’t just revolve around him.

I try so hard to be balanced between setting boundaries and also understanding that he’s two and irrational.
I can handle the fact that he finds these things difficult but it’s the extremity of the reaction that bothers me. He can’t just say ‘no’ if you offer him something he doesn’t want- hell hit or scream at you.
He had t witnessed this behaviour that I’m aware of and doesn’t go to nursery with other children etc as he’s with grandparents or me.
What do I do? Do I get firmer with him? Do I ride it out as a phase? How do I help him with his emotions whilst getting him to realise his actions are unacceptable? How do you stop a toddler being aggressive? It’s 7:30am and he’s already kicked me in the face

My dd was nothing like this. She was a complete breeze in comparison and is a total joy.

Help!

You have just described a very normal two and a half year old.
My tips:
-when in meltdown mode where you can’t get through because they’re so mad stay with them and say “I know you’re angry/disappointed that must feel horrible” they can’t sustain the rage for as long as you think so as painful as it is to sit with a screaming child, just stay with them until it’s finished (time it - it will feel like 10 hours but will be 7 minutes!)
-distract
-let go / ignore small things, if he insists he doesn’t want to wear clothes that day and you don’t have to go out, is it really that bigger deal? If he wants pasta and tomato sauce for breakfast at 7am again big deal? Let loads go.

-let him graze on high protein snacks, cheese, salami, eggs, pea nut butter etc.

• sleep, is he getting enough sleep? Try to let him sleep on if his best quality sleep is in the day just let him sleep longer then stay up a bit later with him

• remember he could be teething his back teeth might be coming through

• give him choice of two things (limited to what you want)

Remember his brain hasnt developed to be able to use logical reasoning when he doesn’t get what he wants so it’s not his fault he can’t cope with changes and not getting what he wants. This doesn’t fully develop until they are 6 so we need to be as calm a possible to model how we behave. (I get this wrong a lot!)

-Self care for you. Time away from him if possible to recharge.

Hope this is helpful I feel your pain!

Thanks - yes that was some help. Letting so much go though is hard when he isn’t the only child and we have to get places by certain times etc. I also feel like I waste so much food and can’t afford to keep doing so. It’s such a hard balance to strike.
I guess I’m hanging on to the fact that he won’t be a toddler forever and also clinging to those moments when he’s calm and cute to remember what he can be like.

I rarely get a break from him - the two days I work, I do but work is hectic and I don’t feel like I ever get a proper rest. I guess that’s just life as a parent though.

I only got through that phase by using distraction. I became the queen of distraction. Time to leave the playground? Oh look that’s a butterfly! Oh wow it’s so colourful look it’s flying away, let’s catch it, hurry hurry it’s flying away. Park as close as the playground, get him as close as the car and lift him in and strap him. He can then tantrum safely in the car.
Having a massive meltdown in the shop? Physically lift him and bring him to the car.
Screaming and hitting? Keep repeating we don’t hit. No thank you, we don’t hit. Keep repeating it and one day it will catch.
Honestly I have no idea how I got through that phase.

This may only help occasionally OP but if you are at home and your DS has worked himself up and seems to be "stuck", if at all possible stick him in the bath. I found having a bath and doing water play for a while would completely reset a toddler who was beside themselves. I have 3 teens now.

As they have no attention span and very little ability to understand and control their emotions playing in water was very soothing for them. It also helped me if I was frazzled and needed a break. I would literally give them a quick bath at any time of day if they were exhausted and emotionally bent out of shape. Baths are not just for bedtime, they are a secret in your arsenal when you all need a reset. It felt so good to sit there a watch a toddler playing happily after not being able to help them when they were getting bent out of shape emotionally.

I also had to abandon shopping, leave restaurants, leave the park etc. etc. when necessary to show them I meant it an enforce boundaries. Mum is often the one most inconvenienced but you have to do it at times so they know you mean what you say.

I'm not sure I can help but I can offer massive amounts of sympathy as we're going through similar with our dd. We should know what to do as eldest dd (now a lovely, if a bit stroppy, 10yr old) was worse, but we'd forgotten how bad it can get!
I'm mainly getting through by thinking, 'this WILL pass' an awful lot!
The ideas above are all helpful and it sounds like you're doing things right. It's so awful to go through though and embarrassing if you're out and about. Having also had a ds who went through this age with very few tantrums I know it's not about how you parent (whatever some people may think) - some kids just tantrum more and tantrum worse than others.
My main tips would be:

• make sure he gets enough sleep (we're failing on this)
• don't sweat the small stuff - when it doesn't matter let them do what they want (like pp said, no clothes is fine in the house!)
• if you can and they are safe, ignore the tantrum, they usually give up eventually (unfortunately more than 7 minutes for my dd, but eventually). And give big cuddles after.
• try and arrange some time by yourself without him if you can. It's really wearing having a toddler and you need a break. Is there any chance he could go to nursery for a morning or two?
• as a pp said, distract as early as possible. My dd refuses to get into the car. Old McDonald with the wrong animal sounds is currently working for that (just! She doesn't stop but there is a slight decrease so I can get the straps fastened!).

None of this is much help I'm afraid, but I'm on the look out for any better tips too! Good luck. It will pass!

It is SO hard. Def as others have advised to see if you can carve out some time for yourself wherever possible, (have you a partner who is ok with having a morning on your own etc?)
The only other thing I can think of is has anything else changed for him recently? Change of carer, change of house etc or something he's picked up from you? Toddlers are creatures of habit and love doing the same routine over and over, try to keep things the same each week (groups, routine etc) - you may already be doing this. As others have said, sometimes it's not what you're doing sometimes kids are just more hard work than others!
The toddler calm book by Sarah ockwell Smith is good if you're interested in reading a bit more about their brain development and why they behave they way they do/what you can do to help. A lot of validating feelings whilst still setting firm boundaries. Good luck

It is SO hard. Def as others have advised to see if you can carve out some time for yourself wherever possible, (have you a partner who is ok with having a morning on your own etc?)
The only other thing I can think of is has anything else changed for him recently? Change of carer, change of house etc or something he's picked up from you? Toddlers are creatures of habit and love doing the same routine over and over, try to keep things the same each week (groups, routine etc) - you may already be doing this. As others have said, sometimes it's not what you're doing sometimes kids are just more hard work than others!
The toddler calm book by Sarah ockwell Smith is good if you're interested in reading a bit more about their brain development and why they behave they way they do/what you can do to help. A lot of validating feelings whilst still setting firm boundaries. Good luck

How verbal is he? Mine was horrendous at that age as he got so frustrated from having limited vocabulary to express himself.

It turns out that mine has some high functioning SNs so it's made it a very long drawn out phase. With the benefit of years of hindsight, he was very sensory about clothes, and gets overwhelmed about transitions and noisy, busy environments and all that was mixed in with normal toddler phase too. He had SALT and there were gear changes around 3.5 and 5-6 as he's become more articulate. At 7-8 we're begining to get more insights into his triggers and emotions and deal with them to diffuse him.

Despite us having additional issues, it is a normal phase, and it sounds like you're dealing with it well as unpleasant as it can be in the moment. So many parents have been there before and most are sympathetic. There are a few prats out there who think that it's all down to their marvellous parenting and no element of luck of personality, but those opinions aren't worth bothering about.

It is difficult when there is another child whose needs need consideration.

Food, I took away for a couple minutes after throwing and returned when he was calmer.

Are there better times of the day when he is more amenable (although I found by the time I dealt with new baby with voracious appetite, and wrestled clothes onto DS umpteen times and actually got out of the house, we inevitably got close to lunchtime then nap time and there never really was a good time slot!)

Some children just have different personalities and some phases of childhood work for them better than others. If you do have any longer term concerns, contact the HVs. I did raise speach at 2.5 and he was the low end of normal, but that started a paper trail that was picked up at 3.5 when poor progress had slipped below normal range, and it's linked into our other concerns that have emerged over time. Funnily DS only ever had one tantrum at nursery and the staff were stunned. He only ever gave them his placid, content, bright side and all the frustration exploded at home or in my company and he still masks like this at school.

Hopefully the phase should ease off in the next few months.

Thank you so much for your replies - some very helpful advice and also insights. I will reply in more detail when I get the chance. He’s currently in s good place so we’re playing ‘emergency to the rescue’ with his cars smile but I just wanted to acknowledge and say thank you for replies.

I've had two like this. Honestly Janet Lansbury has saved my sanity more times than I can remember. She has free articles and podcasts on her website. I prefer the podcasts as you can hear the tone of her voice. Works a treat, but you have to be consistent.

Thanks so much! I’ve noted the suggested books/podcasts!
It should have been obvious to me but I just didn’t click until I’ve thought about this post. His routine is all out of whack with it being the summer holidays. His usual groups are cancelled and instead of having me to himself all day, he’s having to share me with his older sister. I guess he’s having to wait for things more than he usually would. When dd is around during term time, my dh usually is also but dh isn’t here so it’s just me between the two of them.
I’m lucky she’s patient and tolerant but I’m worried about her feeling less important so trying to prioritise her needs sometimes. Trying to find a balance.
I do try very hard to use positive language - the way I would at work (eg our hands are for being gentle) but sometimes in the heat of the moment I do find myself getting worked up and saying ‘don’t hit’ etc. I need to try not to.

I try walking away and pretending to leave - he really doesn’t care. It always ends in a stand off and he never Gives in. I’ve even hidden behind a tree where I can see him but he can’t see me and he just doesn’t budge. He is so bloody stubborn.

Thank you all for not making me feel like a terrible parent and that I’m not alone in this.

@SudowoodoVoodoo I’m wondering if my ds does have some sensory issues. He gets very distressed when wearing certain clothes - certain fabrics or restrictive styles. He refuses to have bare arms too. He is funny with textures in food (gags a lot) and hates the feel of certain textures - won’t touch anything sticky or use fingers to eat most finger foods. He gets distressed a level I would consider beyond ‘normal’. I’m keeping my eye on this. It seems to just be this he struggles with and I don’t se it in conjunction with any other indicators of additional needs so it might just be something he grows out of - who knows!

No advice, but huge sympathy - my 3 year old can RAGE and it's very hard to deal with and totally draining.

She will also react in an incredibly emotional way if offered something totally innocuous she doesn't want - I just keep repeating 'use your words' 'say no thank you Mummy' in the breeziest voice I can muster and try not to engage with the hysterics.

I assume it's another phase to be ridden out and they will learn to control these big feelings at some point. Perhaps they will grow into adults who feel very passionately about the world and do wonderful things...

Sympathies....i don't know how to best explain this but I've found that trying my hardest to make it wasy for them to transition into a better mood was critical to ending things faster. Like making sure to not hold a grudge (i know it sounds silly, but being kicked in the face as an adult can be hard to shake off, even if we think we are), trying not to argue (or do things that make a 2 yo brain feel like they have to "dig-in"), etc. It's so individual to the child, but as his mom you'll learn what works. Ignore any criticism too, if you find something that works and makes your life easier, don't listen to people who say your "walking on eggshells", giving in, etc. THEY don't know your child and situation like you do. Good luck. It is just a phase. But it's a phase that you and your son will learn a ton about each other and it can set the tone for future interactions. Now is the time he will learn that you're on his side, but won't be abused. That you love him and are willing to forgive and not judge him. Most of all you will be showing him how he should be acting, by demonstrating calm and rational behavior. And again, it's just a phase. It does end, and you'll be SO SO GRATEFUL when it does. Lol.

It’s a bloody hard stage isn’t it.

Do you do time out or naught step? I sit my toddler on the bottom step and don’t try and talk until both of us have calmed down. At times she fights but every time she gets up I take her by the hand and sit her back down again and just say no.

Stay strong, it will pass.

Love your post @HaileySherman!

He’s had a much better day today and I think I’ve handled the meltdowns much more calmly and therefore effectively. Now I just need to keep remembering this post and make sure my exasperation doesn’t show. I think it was and was making the issue worse. I definitely needed to get my act together!

Oh bless you. I can sympathise, my son is also 2.5 and extremely violent towards me atm during a strop.
He chucks stuff at me, bites, makes me ears ring with the screaming, hits, pulls hair. It’s awful! Last night he was messing around and wouldn’t lie in bed so I took him downstairs whilst he was screaming (he likes a pre bedtime chill in bed but I don’t think he was tired enough for this, he screamed to go upstairs but wouldn’t stop bouncing on the beds etc).
When downstairs he bit me, threw things at me, screamed, threw heavy toys, and this continued for around 15 minutes? I ignored, only telling him off when he slapped me in the face/ bit me. I didn’t look at him at all, he didn’t like it and continued. I eventually pretended to burst out crying and oh my goodness, he burst into tears and immediately stopped hitting me, he asked for a cuddle and all seemed to be well.

I know the pain though. It’s the screaming, I cannot deal with it. My poor neighbours too!

As pp have said, he sounds pretty normal! I've found Janet landsbury and the 'how to talk so little kids will listen' to be helpful.

Toddlers are hard work but they need routine and very set boundaries. They also in my experience need things like a set bedtime routine and a good nights sleep. Do you have a good weekly routine? Is he getting stimulated enough by going to toddler groups and activities? Do you have a set bedtime routine? Is he getting enough sleep? Honestly all these things help young kids feel safer and more secure so behaviour improves.

We do have routines and he has a set bedtime routine and bed time. With it being the summer holidays, his usual groups are cancelled but we’re out and about every day or we’re doing activities in the house.

His language is very good; he can construct accurate complex sentences using a range of modifiers. What he does struggle with is using that language when his emotions are so powerful they’ve taken over. He also is not yet able to identify his emotions. He doesn’t realise he’s angry or sad. If I say to him that it’s okay to feel angry, he screams at me that he’s not angry . We’re working on it.

@Jellybeansincognito for you. Solidarity

Sympathy for you!
My daughter had (and still has) lots of strops but didn't often do the really full-on, wild, ear ringingly high pitched screaming, vibrating, sweating, purple faced maximum rage but when she did this helped a bit (luckily for me I think she only ever had the full megameltdowns in the house):

• First I secured the area by closing the doors to the room we were in, to at least confine things; she never happened to do it with the dog present but if she had I would have sent the dog out for safety
• scramble to get everything that wasn't nailed down up out of reach as she would throw everything she could get her hands on, often at me. I particularly tried to get teddies and rag dolls out of reach quickly ( I'd rather she chucked a piece of lego than a teddy). If I happened to catch the things she threw at me, so much the better- she hated it but tough.
• I didn't try to pick her up or hold her as it drove her more bonkers. I didn't say anything at all to begin with- I found it totally useless once she was past the point of no return
• Retreat a bit and sit on the floor or a chair quietly observing the rage from a distance, possibly out of the corner of my eye while I studied the grain of the table
• I know it sounds weird but when she approached to hit me I'd block the hitting arm (and sometimes the kicking foot but she was more of a hitter) with an outstretched hand, palm forward in the " police stop" gesture, and say "high five". She really hated this and would go for another hit and I'd keep blocking, high five, high five, high five. This- and catching the missiles she aimed at me rather than dodging them or letting them hit me- is the only time I have ever really done anything to mock her and that's very deliberate my part- when she tried to physically attack me she was sort of punishing herself because she ended up highfiving her mortal enemy (some whacks got through my defences- I'm no Daniel-san - but I'd ignore those and highfive the next one)
• When she wasn't having the desired effect she'd then retreat to rage a bit more and stomp, spit, beat her fists on the walls, the sink, the floor etc. Ignore. It's quite hard to ignore the spitting as I normally don't tolerate that at all with lesser strops but with the meltdown rages I let it go and ignored
• just wait for the rage to burn out. I don't think you can speed this up any more than you can speed up a hailstorm. Wait. Do nothing except maybe some deep breathing, or use the downtime while you wait to to a few pelvic floor exercises. Let the rage happen. Nobody is going to die so wait like you would wait in a GP's waiting room (but don't look at you phone to allay the boredom or they'll try to snatch it out of your hand).
• Once she was on the comedown with the screaming and roaring having subsided to shocked sobbing and trembling like somebody who has just escaped death in some hideous disaster, I'd quietly ask her if she wanted a hug and she'd climb into my arms. I would usually carry her to another room at this point; she would get over the shock more quickly away from the scene of the disaster, a good cuddle and she'd cheer up and we'd get on with our day.

With those megameltdowns I didn't try to rationalise or discuss reasons at all with her, during or afterwards. With the minor strops I do but when her brains were fried with rage it would have been pointless. With the minor strops I do inflict some mild punishment (oh dear you deliberately threw the banana on the floor. Too bad you didn't want it, oh well I'll eat it...nope, you didn't want it so I'm eating it, you're not having it.) This elicits a bit more stropping but tough, stropping is disadvantageous to the stropper.

With the meltdowns I don't impose any sanctions afterwards. The meltdown is punishment enough in itself. DD blowing her brains is a more unpleasant, shocking experience for her than me. Once she has calmed down, if there are any flung objects still lying around we return to the scene of disaster and help each other to gather them up and restore them to their rightful places again. She gets praise for that and loves being back on the same team. If the meltdown was due to tiredness I skip the teambuilding tidyup as she would tend to be passing out asleep in my arms after a bit of cuddling so I just lay her down in bed, in her clothes with unwashed teeth, cuddle her till she was well away and resolve to do bedtime earlier the next night.

Any child of mine who actu ally kicked bit or scratched me would have been locked in their room. I don't tolerate any violence no matter how young they are. My son only did it once. Any further meltdowns did not involve violence towards me or anyone else. I sat outside on a chair and from time to time asked if he was ready to behave yet. Probably not very popular on here though.
My friend let's her 6 year old kick, hit and bite her and I shudder to think how he will grow up.

I don't think biting and kicking is emotional or tired its totally unacceptable and I wouldn't tolerate it. For the record my son is 40 now is lovely and we are very close.

I’ve decided from this morning to not tolerate my sons aggressive nature. He is 2.5 as I said before but my daughter (4) has yet another bruise on her head thanks to his behaviour. He didn’t get his own way with me this morning and he retaliated by picking up his drink and launching it directly at my daughters face.

I told him quite abruptly that we don’t throw things and hurt others and went and shut him in his room for 5 minutes.

I will keep doing this until he learns.
Genuinely concerns me what he’ll be like when he’s older if I don’t put my foot down now.

It’s so hard though to deal with without you doubting your actions and wondering if you’re boardering on being neglectful (I’m sure putting a screaming child into their room for 5 minutes isn’t) but you know... parental guilt.