Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Difficult caesarean birth. How can I help?

27 replies

NotUnderMyHeart · 04/08/2019 11:26

For those of you who have been there and know the struggles (I’m sure there are many!), what can I buy/do/provide for my beautiful niece who has just had her little boy at 7:30 this morning? Bear She’s only young, has had an awful pregnancy and really difficult birth resulting in a Caesarian with a general anaesthetic so neither her or the baby’s dad were there to see him born. We’re all absolutely over the moon that they are both healthy but know she’ll need some support. I’m an hour away but will be visiting of course. What will she need/what will help make things easier for her? I’m not even sure of recovery time or what her physical limitations will be.

Thank you!

OP posts:
bluechameleon · 04/08/2019 11:34

Meals for the fridge/freezer, help with cleaning- these are both things I would have appreciated. In terms of gifts, an insulated water bottle might be nice so she can have a cold drink within reach, or a coffee cup if hot drinks are more her thing. If she is breastfeeding then I really craved sweet things in the early days, so some posh biscuits went down very well.

Mumsymumphy · 04/08/2019 15:05

For me I would have loved if someone had offered practical help - hoovering or washing dishes, watching baby even if for half an hour so I could nap, taking other DCs out to the park for an hour so I could have some time just baby and me.

Frozen meals sound good! Or a comfy cushion or pillow. Some lavender oil to put in the bath (still love the smell of it, takes me right back to when my DCs were babies).

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 15:22

I wish I’d had a relative like you after my emcs! My twins were both in nicu and it was super hard, but at least I didn’t have to take care of them post surgery.

Physical tasks would be super helpful - laundry, vacuuming, etc in particular. Don’t offer vague help, say something like - I’ll put the washing on for you, what else do you need? I really struggle agreeing to help so this would have been such a relief. Bring her some lovely food too.

A breastfeeding pillow was very handy, even if bottle feeding - goes around your tummy and baby lies on it so you don’t have to hold them up as much.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Teachermaths · 04/08/2019 15:27

Yes yes yes to physical help. Every time you go round pick a specific job and ask. If she refuses, go for another. If you spot something eg washing up, loading washing etc please do it. Even better was the relative who took my bed sheets, washed, dried and returned them to my bed.

She will need to keep clean to prevent infection in the wound so offer to have baby while she showers. Before you arrive ring and see if she needs anything from the shops as getting out is hard work.

Bring food she can eat one handed if she's BFing. Pizza is good! A decent water flask that doesn't spill too if she's BF.

When you go please make yourself a drink, compliment her on how good a parent she is and make her feel good. People told me I looked great (I looked awful) but it was nice to hear.

YouJustDoYou · 04/08/2019 15:30

When it was me, I wish someone would've offered help in the house, maybe helping with the washing up etc, whilst I was still recovering. But otherwise, all the advice above is fantastic.

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 15:30

Before you arrive ring and see if she needs anything from the shops as getting out is hard work.

Yes, this!

TeintDeNeige · 04/08/2019 15:35

Things I would’ve appreciated after my emergency c-section:

Any kind of housework being done for me. Even just the washing up. Hoovering and floor cleaning especially appreciated!

Any food gifts, be it a tin of biscuits, a takeaway, or some food shopping e.g. ready meals.

People offering to make me a cup of tea.

Watching the baby while I had a shower or nap.

SpoonBlender · 04/08/2019 15:41

All the above, it's lovely of you!

But.... make sure you're being helpful and not smothering, and that you take care of her possible feeling of inadequacy at the same time you're filling her freezer and doing the washing up. Poor thing has had a horrible time and it'll be easy for her to slip into "I'm a shit mum".

MarinaMarinara · 04/08/2019 15:42

Practically - nice water bottle (especially if she is planning to breastfeed), posh chocs (a friend bought me a massive box of hotel chocolat chocolates which were amazing when DS went through a “breastfeeding every hour” phase) or vouchers for somewhere that does nice easy food (eg M&S/Cook - I was bought an M&S gift card by the same friend who got the chocs - yes, she is awesome).

After my c sections I was physically ok (well, after a few days) but after the first one, which was a fairly traumatic EMCS, I was deeply upset and felt like a “failure”. DD and I were healthy, which was the main thing but I was very very upset for a long time, which spiralled into horrible PND. I hope that it won’t be the case but (as it sounds like your DN has a lovely supportive family with you thinking about her so much) it might be worth my mentioning that if your DN is feeling like that then for me, the people I appreciated the most were those who listed uncritically and didn’t try to minimise how I was feeling. I also found the hospital’s “birth reflections” scheme where a midwife will go through your medical notes with you v helpful in terms of rationalising that the c section was not my fault and was necessary. In time, a short course of counselling finally helped put that to bed.

Ilikesweetpeas · 04/08/2019 15:44

You sound lovely! I appreciated guests who brought lunch (just sandwiches from the shop), who did something practical in the house and left a ready meal Smile

Pellegrinopolly · 04/08/2019 15:54

Congratulations on the new baby in the family! You are a lovely aunt op!

  • offering to do the shopping
  • buy her a long length grabber stick (available from Amazon)
  • meals for freezer
  • bring her one of those triangular wedge pillows
  • offering to clean the house
  • offering to do the laundry
  • perhaps buy her one of those Evian face sprays and a pkt of Tena daily wash gloves (can be ordered on line for quick lick and a promise when bedridden)

And if you are around doing things in the house - come for no more than an hour or an hour and a half each time - state the time in advance and stick to it.

newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 15:57

Honestly? Check she's up for visitors first and don't outstay your welcome.

All of the things PPs have mentioned are lovely, but it depends on your relationship.

FaFoutis · 04/08/2019 16:00

Let her set the tone in talking about the birth, if she wants to talk about the birth that is.
Don't assume that it was a disaster or completely terrible unless that's how she sees it.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/08/2019 16:05

I also had a crash section. I agree, cooked meals and practical help. Ask her if she needs her bedroom or sitting area rearranged so she can reach everything.

It’s hard to sit up and hard to get baby out of the Moses basket so If you have a bit of money to throw at her as if she would like a gift of a bedside cot with open side or any other type that makes movement and feeding easier.

Also it’s difficult in terms of recovery a crash section is life saving for mother/ baby or both so she may be ok with that side of things. What I found really hard was not being there to see my baby born and my H was traumatised by the same.

Frith2013 · 04/08/2019 16:09

I wouldn’t have wanted any visitors while I was in hospital.

HerRoyalNotness · 04/08/2019 16:13

What I found helpful was one of these grabber tools. I actually only had a toy one that the kids had. I used it to pull sheets up on my bed if I was cold, pick up things I’d dropped etc so I didn’t have to bend.

Difficult caesarean birth. How can I help?
MusicMother · 04/08/2019 16:15

Lovely of you and loads of good ideas from everyone! I'm currently in the same boat and a lovely relative messaged to say they would pay for a cleaner for the next wee while, had already found someone they suggested and wouldn't take no for an answer. We're fairly private people and I felt this was an incredibly thoughtful way of supporting but not being in any way intrusive.

Totally realise that this isn't financially viable for everyone (we certainly couldn't afford it ourselves) and also not everyone would be as embarrassed as I would about having a relative do our washing!!

Original poster
NotUnderMyHeart · 04/08/2019 16:23

Thank you very much for all your replies! Some fab ideas. I’ve ordered a lovely water bottle and a travel mug for hot drinks, and will definitely do the ready meals thing and helping on the house when she’s home. I certainly won’t be outstaying my welcome or smothering her but you’re absolutely right to add that as a caution because it’s very important. We’re a very close family and she has a sister, dad and step mum, grandparents, her partner and all his side of the family as well as me looking out for her so she will be very well supported. She video messaged us all individually about 15 minutes after she got back to the ward asking us all when we were coming, bless her! She’s very happy and proud of her little one 😍. Her sister has gone to visit and hold baby while mum and dad sleep but the rest of us are allowing her to recover for now and will stagger our visits when things settle. Keep the ideas coming please-they’re all very helpful! Smile

OP posts:
spam390 · 04/08/2019 16:25

Congratulations! It's so nice of you to be thinking how you can help too :)

Chat to your sister to agree days/ times etc and stress to her that you are coming to help so that she can concentrate on DC and herself. As long as she's happy then crack on ! :)

It will be wonderful for her to know that she doesn't need to worry about the washing/ hoovering/ housework/ cooking etc, whatever she needs. I'm sure she will have many other visitors who'd want to call in, but she maybe doesn't want them yet as she thinks the house is a mess and she can't get a shower in peace etc etc

Perhaps you can even take her washing etc away and return it clean and ironed ? i.e just a flying visit to drop off food and collect washing if she's not up for anything else ? You don't need to stay at her house to help with some of the things if she wants peace and quiet.

Absolutely a giant YES to the household tasks, freezer meals, little luxuries like nice shampoos and chocolates.

The thing I found hardest was changing my DC's nappy through the day as the changing table was upstairs in the nursery. My gran gave me a large pouffe which was on wheels and I could have it in front of me, put a changing mat on it and still sit on the sofa while I used it without having to twist and bend. Also , having a changing box at the side of the sofa is super handy.

Snack pots with fruit and nibbles are also very handy if breastfeeding, cos you don't get to move much while feeding and you can get really hungry.

xx

Shelbybear · 04/08/2019 16:44

Yes, yes, yes to practical help.

Your not nearby so can't offer to some washings/ironing for them. I'd have loved it if someone had brought me a tray of lasagne or similar. Ur just so knackered and not really thinking about eating etc. Presents are lovely but U get so many, it's the little things that really help.

Some great suggestions on here already.

spam390 · 04/08/2019 16:52

Sorry, I meant your Niece
xx

MummaGiles · 04/08/2019 18:02
  • housework like cleaning (esp vacuuming), loading and unloading dishwasher, changing bedsheets, laundry
  • meals for the freezer that she can zap in the microwave
  • offering to take her out in the car to anywhere she wants/needs to go - she won’t be able to drive for 6 weeks
  • asking if there’s anything she needs from the shops to take the strain off her, or offering to arrange a supermarket shop to be delivered
  • take the baby between feeds to let her nap, shower, whatever
  • get her moving and outside even for a slow walk around the block as soon as she is up to it - support her by helping get the baby ready in the pram or having the baby in the house if she wants a bit of fresh air on her own
  • ask if there’s anything she needs taking to the hospital from home as she may be in a couple of nights at least
MirrorHope · 04/08/2019 18:29

This actually brought a tear to my eye because it's such a lovely gesture. I had two EMCS and then was subsequently in hospital for 2 weeks initially for myself two but mainly as my little ones were both in NICU then SCBU.

When I got home my MiL & SIL who are my closest family near me offered nothing - had to beg my MIL to help with my eldest school run - & only the threat of it impacting her son'a my DH job did she help. My SIL said all other Mum's cope so why can't I? Honestly it was horrible.

What did I want? Well I couldn't drive hence unable to take my eldest to school - so if there was anything that required a car journey that would help. When my mum arrived she lives far so had to travel - the best she did was leave me to take care of baby - but she did help with washing, cooking and cleaning. Also taking baby off me so I could nap.

I felt incredibly vulnerable and guilty. I think just someone to talk to - but definitely someone doing the house stuff helped.

boosterrooster · 04/08/2019 18:35

The practical stuff is best

Cooked dinners always a winner...a big batch of nice, comfort food like Sheppard's pie or Lasagna. Or if your not sure what food she likes, get a voucher for a local restaurant that delivers

Lots of snacks and drinks that she can grab on the go

Pay for a cleaner or offer to help clean.

Comfy PJ's, leggings and loose tops if you'd prefer to buy her a gift

My family would pop in for short visits and offer to hang out washing and empty the dishwasher while they were here which was always a great help!

Theworldisfullofgs · 04/08/2019 18:38

My mum came over and did the washing and ironing when I had dd. I couldn't of loved her more.it also meant a rider house which helped a lot in terms of my general well being.