Best way to deal with a narcissistic DM

[timestheybeachangin]

I have long suspected that my DM is a narcissist, given what was looking back a pretty bizarre childhood. But I’ve always doubted it as DM is not particularly extrovert or ‘look at me’.
However, an incident involving DS (basically she got the jump because he was ‘ignoring her’, he was doing no such thing) was explained by her as her being extremely sensitive.

I can’t go on with her playing her guilt games with my DC, so I was looking into how to deal with sensitive people, when I came across information on ‘covert’ or introvert narcissists. It all rang true to a shocking extent, and DH was staggers when he read the articles I found, saying it was 100% uncannily like my DM. I’ve also been reading about gaslighting which I now realise didn’t happen to everyone! I thought it was normal but apparently not.

Anyway, I recognise that I need to set up firm boundaries with my DM, get some help to get over my childhood (I have appalling self-esteem, 30 years of being on ADs, total people pleaser, no self-care). And work out how to maintain contact with her without her doing any damage to DC.

Also, I’m terrified that I am also a narcissist or will become one. DH says I’m the opposite, but I’m really worried I will turn into my DM. Even the fact that I’m worried I’m a narcissist makes me think I actually am one and it’s doing my head in.

Has anyone dealt with this situation? I’m willing to have therapy (had it in the last for PP depression and major depression, but have never talked about DM). What therapy have people found useful? CBT? Person-centered? Something new I’ve not come across before?

I’m determined to finally sort myself out aw finally all the jigsaw pieces are falling into place, and as I’ll be dealing with this myself (not through GP) I want to go about it in the right way.

Thanks!

Blimey sorry I’ve written an essay

Self diagnosing of your mother or yourself as a narcissist is not a good idea. It’s unlikely that either of you are but I understand that labelling someone makes you feel better so as you can believe they can not control their bad behaviour when in all reality they aren’t just badly behaved and and can change if they wanted to.

Step away from the articles, I can guarantee that whatever you read up on you will start seeing traits! You will end up reading into things that aren’t there or apply to all of us at some point!

Focus on your feelings about your mother and what you can do now to feel happier.

Are you able to sit down with your mother and bring up how she treats you or past things that have left you feeling upset? It could be a good thing to get everything out in the open and hear what she has to say.

If you don’t want to do that or feel it wouldn’t help then you may have to have confrontation when she treats you badly so that she knows you will not put up with it.

Or you loosen the relationship by distancing yourself.

Counselling and talking through your emotions may help. Writing a letter to your mother that you will not send can also be cathartic.

Hi op I'm not sure what actual evidence you have posted that points towards her being one..
The
. Son did blah and she... Got a the jump..

I don't understand...

@timestheybeachangin
Look at the letters on your keyboard and you'll realise it's nothing but a typo for 'hump'

Sorry that was @Fragalino

Yes sorry jump is a typo for hump.

The whole back story is just too long to go into here.

If anyone has any recommendations for the type of counselling they found most effective I’d appreciate it. Thank you.

Yes

Basically, I don’t want to end up being dreadful to my DC and would like to work on myself through counselling to avoid that.

Hi OP, my mother was also an undiagnosed narcissist. It is extremely difficult. I read a really good book called "Children of the Self Absorbed". It helped me recognise my personality type and how to cope. Some might say that a diagnosis is not useful, I disagree. I often believed that it was my behaviour that caused her behaviour ( and she often told me so). Realising that she had a disorder helped me understand her and what I needed to do to break free of her.