Grandparents closer to other grandchild

[RogerTheGoff]

I guess I'm after other people's advice/opinions on the following as I know that what I'm feeling is jealously and sadness over the situation but I just can't shift it.

My sister has a toddler just a few months younger than my DS. She lives much closer to my parents than me (20min drive) whereas I live in the city a 2.5 hr drive away. My parents see and look after my niece at least once a week, sometimes more, and are at the beck and call of my sister to look after my niece whenever she needs it. On top of the childcare they also go for lots of days out together and will take photos to share online. My mum also posts many many more photos online of my niece than she does of DS and always responds to the pictures/videos my sister shares of my niece on the group chat we have and clearly watches the videos too.

Now of course being further away they can't drop by or whatever (thank god!) but they have never offered to look after DS, have him to stay, when I visit them they don't take time out of their day to interact with him they just carry on doing whatever, they wouldn't offer to watch him for 5 mins so I can shower whilst visiting them so I normally have to ask and I get a begrudging 'okay'. I probably have only visited 8ish times since he was born so it's not many times. Also if I share a video of him in our group chat my parents may not respond at all or will respond in a way that makes it obvious they haven't actually watched the video.

I guess I'm trying to paint the picture that they clearly are much more invested in my nieces life than in my DS, and it really breaks my heart because DS is such an amazing boy! I'm jealous that they clearly love my niece more and sad that they don't seem bothered about DS in the same way. I don't go on social media as I know it'll just make me feel sad when I see the photos of them all out having fun doing things that I'm not invited to.

My mum in particular will go on about my nieces achievements to me and when DS was reaching the same milestones she didn't really give two hoots.

I know DS is mine and DPs responsibility and I genuinely don't expect any free childcare from them but to see them dishing it out for my sister and never offering me does sting.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Has it got easier over time? How do you deal with it?

DP is a bit bored of me moaning to him about it tbh but if you'd told me before DS was born how disinterested my parents are in DS then I would never have believed it. I know I just need to accept it and move on, lower my expectations even further and make the most of the times they do seem to want to engage with DS but I'm finding it hard to take my own advice at the moment.

That’s really sad for you OP. My own parents are closer to my children than they are to my brothers, as we live 5 mins away and they live at the other end of the country however, they are very aware of it, and make sure to go for long weekends to visit and spend the entire time with them (and lots of money) and allow my brother and wife to go out for the evening. Does your sister notice it? Could you get her to mention anything to your parents?

My parents are like this with my younger sister.
Bend over back wards for her and me nothing.
My parents gave me a grand towards my wedding but paid for the entirety of my sisters, wedding coordinator, dj and evening buffet the lot.
She had her hen night on my 30th birthday. I don't understand why parents favour one child more than the other.
The hurt does lessen over time and you just get used to it. Talking about it with them doesn't help as more than likely they will get defensive or deny it out right.
All I can say is do what I do and focus on your little family and just take your parents in small doses.

This stood out for me - being further away they can't drop by or whatever (thank god!) - you're sister has a better relationship for several reasons
(a) she stayed close to home where as you moved away
(b) your sister actually likes her mum
(c) your sister goes out of her way to propagate actively involved grand parents.

If you want the same relationship, are you prepared to invest the same amount of time that your sister does?

But it's not about her relationship with her parents, it's about her son's relationship with his grandparents.

How old is your child? You said you've visited your parents 8 times. That's not much is it. Have you invited them to visit you? 2.5 hours is a fair distance compared to 20 minutes so it's natural they will see more of the closer grandchild. Your sister is obviously close to your parents and you are jealous. I have a sister who is jealous of my relationship with my mum too. I speak to my mum daily, I help her when she's needed me eg been her carer when she's had accidents resulting in injuries that have Mrs t she can't do much for herself, we go away together, shop together weekly. My sister phones her once a week and is often snippy on the phone, she says she doesn't have time to help mum, doesn't make an effort to spend much time with her and was not available when she needed her. She lives 4 miles away. My children are very close to their grandmother. Her now adult children are not because no one bothered much when they were younger so they've grown up with the same attitude although my mum did see them lots when they were very little.
It's shit but do you put effort into the relationship?

Maybe I haven't painted the right kind of picture but I actually do have a good relationship with my parents. I speak to them on the phone 2/3 times a week, visit as often as I can (my DS is only a toddler, I'm also pregnant and we don't have a car so it requires me getting about 3.5 hrs worth of trains plus y'know.. I work!), I send birthday presents etc, was there for Xmas, I invite them here all the time but they never want to make a concrete plan or set a date. We were close before I had DS but it's true that I wouldn't want a 'drop over whenever you like' kind of deal that I think they have with my sister, though personally I feel that that's normal.

So I guess I really do feel like I put the effort in. And when they visit I try to arrange to do things or go places but they just want to come, stay for 2/3 hrs at mine and then go back, they don't even want to go to the local park!

I couldn't really talk to my sister about it tbh, it's a complicated and outing situation to explain but I don't think she'd really get it.

I guess it is geography mostly, she is physically closer so of course they'll see more of each other. That wouldn't matter if I felt like they actually engaged with DS when they do see him or when I text them photos etc but it's kind of like they don't really give a shit and that's the bit that gets me down.

But it's not about her relationship with her parents, it's about her son's relationship with his grandparents.

As a toddler that relationship is hugely impacted by the ops relationship with her parents.

Its natural that they will be closer to their adult child and their child, if they see eachother most days.

Relationships go both ways. If you see someone daily, it's going to be closer than one where you see a child 8 times in 2.5 years.

Its one of the great difficulties of living away.

They may not feel comfortable watching a child they dont know that well. Lots of people arent. If you see kids more often, you are more likely to feel comfortable watching them.

So if they’ve only seen him 8 times in 2.5 years they roughly see him every 4 months or so.
I’m sorry but I think anyone would find it hard to be as close to a child they’ve seen 8 times in 2.5 years than a child they’ve probably seen 8 times in two weeks.

Argh sorry hit post too soon
That said I think they could make more of an effort when they’re with have.
Have you told your parents how much it upsets you when they treat your son this way? And what have they said about it?
I think the only way forward is to talk to them about how it makes you feel.

8 times is approx the amount of times I've been there (haven't kept count so could well be more), they've come here probably 5 times.
My DS isn't 2.5 either he is 21 mos so I guess that's pretty much every 2 months.

I engage them as much as I can by trying to arrange FaceTimes, sending photos and videos every other day, telling my parents what we've been up to etc but they don't engage in the same way as they do with my sister.

Honestly bar moving next door I don't think there's much more I can do to see them more or engage them further in DS' life. I can't force them, it's sad to see that they're the ones pulling away.

This might be a girl/boy issue

Your mum has two daughters and may naturally bond with a grand daughter easier than a grandson? Sad to say but it does happen- I’ve seen it in my own family.
It doesn’t tend to get better as they get older either.

Do you have in laws? Can you encourage that relationship more or get closer to cousins etc so your DS doesn’t feel this as keenly as he gets older?

I would have to say something to my mum and let her know how I feel but then we are a real heart on sleeve family and it’s not always the right move.

I can completely see your point tho OP and it’s really sad but probably doesn’t have a solution. Your parents are willingly forming a closer bond with one grandchild and making no effort to address that.

Your mum has two daughters and may naturally bond with a grand daughter easier than a grandson?

I thought this too. I've seen this in my own family.

The thing is, facilitating a long distance relationship is doable - but everyone needs to be on board with it.

When my parents were alive and my DC were small we used to travel to see them every 4-6 weeks (long weekends, leaving Friday night, using Monday as a days holiday to travel back). They did the same alternating visits to us. So it was normally a visit every 8 or so weeks for us but we saw them every month. It was tricky sometimes but we lived 400 miles apart but I had a very close relationship with my parents and wanted my DCs to as well. You both need to factor in the time.

My sister lived 6 miles away from them so saw then more often but my mum and dad never showed any favouritism and tried so hard to be a part of my DCs lives in other ways too - ringing them on the phone, sending them little presents etc.

If you want this to work it sounds like you need to sit down and tell them.

Telling them wont work if theyre not interested.

We've got a golden child situation in our family too.its horrible.

And as an adult I felt v bitter I didnt have any source of support or encouragement at the end of the phone etc. Its hard to get over when you're struggling.

Telling them wont work if theyre not interested.

No, but at least her parents will know how she feels. It will be clear if they're really not interested at least the OP will know absolutely where she stands. Sometimes you need to spell things out to some people.

My PIL live at the other end of the country, my mum (and my dad before he died) is two hours away.

My MIL (FIL died before DD was born) have a much closer relationship with my SIL's two children who were just down the road when they were kids.

DD is an adult now has an ok relationship with MIL and her husband (she married just before DD was born) but they definitely are not close, I would say it is more cordial. If MIL died I know DD wouldnt be that upset. For complicated reasons (Short she was a control freak) we never visited but nor were we invited to stay. MIL and her DH came down every year so.

It is what it is.

But FWIW my DD was extremely close to my parents who were two hours away, she only saw them half a dozen times a year (but did stay for long periods) but we rang, my DD was devastated when my dad died. So it is not always distance.

Mum is now in a rest home and DD always makes a special effort to come and visit her nana with me.

My parents have 8 grandchildren and they all live about equidistant away from them give it take.

They spend slightly more time with three of them as they are used for childcare but they make a huge effort to share their other time out fairly and always talk about all the grandkids in equal measure etc.

My dad had a special bond with one of my nephews as they have a shared interest and it’s clear for anyone to see that they get on in a really close way but I’ve bern very aware that my dad tries hard to forge relationships with all of them even if he had less common ground.

It can be done. Your parents are choosing not to make it happen for whatever reason

I would tell them how you feel and then leave it with them. But they may respond badly.

I also though the same about her being a grand daughter. This is definitely the case with my mother in law. She had 3 boys, always wanted a girl (never hid this fact). We have a son and she has two other grandsons and one granddaughter (all from one other son). She clearly favours the granddaughter. She is often taken out on girly pamper shopping days on her own when the 3 boys are not taken out individually.