I don’t know what to do

[NeedingAdvice29]

I separated from my children’s father due to his alcoholism when our youngest DC was 6 months old. As stupid as this sounds, I’d not known he was a functioning alcoholic for quite a few years until it completely took over his life while I was pregnant with our 3rd. I knew he liked a drink but never the full extent of his drinking. Yes I know I’m stupid for not having clicked on before 3rd DC came along.

This was around 5 years ago. When we separated he moved to England and didn’t see DC for about 18 months. He eventually sobered up thankfully and started having a relationship with DC again. At this point they were around 2, 6 and 9. Because the older two were in nursery/school at the time and how far he moved away (we’re up the top of Scotland) he ended up only seeing them during holidays. Not really in regular contact with them throughout the rest of the year but that was his choice.

The last couple of years he’s been trying to convince DC to move in with him and has frequently tried to convince me to move closer. I don’t want to move to England at all, my family is here and I have a job, a home. My DC have their school and friends and lives here too and I’ve told him repeatedly it’d be easier for him to move closer. He’s not working due to a disibility that appeared after we’d separated (mobility related though doesn’t severely impact his life) but does have his family in the area he lives in.

My problem is that older 2 DC (now 12&9) want to move there. They miss their dad a lot which I completely understand. Both have phones to contact him when they want to but they’re adamant that they want to live with him and they’d be ok with seeing me just on holidays and it’s breaking my heart. Youngest still wants to live with me.

If I felt that he’d be able to look after them well then I would consider it but they come back to his convinced there’s something wrong with them physically, addicted to their screens, thinking where we stay is awful and that I’m a bad mum for expecting them to do chores and because I can’t pay attention to them 24/7 and need to use afterschool clubs due to work etc that I don’t love them enough. I am beginning to feel like an absolutely shite mother because of it.

I don’t know what to do. I feel that if they live with him they’ll genuinely not be cared for well enough and will end up despising me because of the shit he fills their heads with. At the same time I feel they’re already beginning to hate me because I’m stopping them from living with the parent they want.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, family don’t really know what to advise and I’m beginning to feel sick with anxiety over it.

I’m sorry for such a long read, I’d be really grateful for any advice though. Thanks

The 12yo is certainly old enough to make his/her own decisions and have that taken into account by the courts.
Without being specific, where does he live now? In a town? with facilities and opportunities, no offence to anyone in rural Scotland, but there aren’t going to be many/a variety of job opportunities; then there is the hassle of changing schools, and its a whole different education system. Its not just you that they would be leaving, it would be school, friends, wider family, lifestyle, opportunities and a younger sibling. I can understand that town living is much more exciting though.

You work? There is the down side in that you will be expected to pay child maint – the knock on is that you may have to down size your home, the little one will be disrupted by the move.

I personally think town living is better BUT Im not saying he is the best parent to provide the stability they need.

Im no help am I ?

Rather than make a permanent move why not agree to them staying for the school holidays, if they have never had a long stay before?

Do that they get real taste of reality/day to day life rather than a short break where they are most likely indulged? Your ex might also see the novelty wear off?

@IAskTooManyQuestions I don’t live rural? I live in a city in a city in the north of Scotland. Neither would I have an issue paying child maintenance for my own children, not that much of shit mum.

@Soola eldest already stays the whole summer, due back home the end of this week - summer holidays start end of June in Scotland. They don’t get a taste of day to day life though, it’s all up as late as they want/eat whatever they want/days out to see different family members/no chores etc and ignoring me when I say it wouldn’t be like that if they lived there permanently

Hopeful bump?

But it would be different when they are in school.

How would he manage getting them into school on time, getting their uniforms ready, school paraphernalia , homework and any clubs/hobbies and social affairs once they make new friends?

I didn't say you were a shit mum or that you shouldn't pay maint. FFS , read what I said. On the assumption, from what you've said you've gone from 2 to 1 income, he's not working so your aren't getting any CM from him, and if the children to go him full time you'll have to pay CM - so the assumption being with all that loss of income you might have to downsize and it will impact on the youngest, who does want to stay with you.

If you are aware of all the negatives, you can counteract them