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Original poster

Can I ask on my invitation for no presents?

58 replies

thinkingcapon · 30/07/2019 20:29

Does anyone actually stick to this rule even if it says on the invite not to bring anything?!

Am I being a bad parent by not wanting my son to have loads of presents......he's 3....will he have a meltdown because there aren't any?! I don't think he'll even notice

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 31/07/2019 07:20

if he is distracted - easy, dont open them there and then, put them in a big black bag, that is also quite normal

Seahorseshoe · 31/07/2019 07:22

I think it's fine to ask for no presents, though I wouldn't heed it. If I received such an invite, I'd probably buy a t shirt or pair of pj's with whatever character is popular at that time. A 3 year old would appreciate that and it would be useful. I might put some money in the card, but I wouldn't donate to an actual bank account and you shouldn't ask for that either.

A mountain of unwanted toys can be depressing. Yanbu.

Original poster
thinkingcapon · 31/07/2019 07:41

@Seahorseshoe I didn't ever suggest I'd ask for money instead of presents! That makes me feel sick!

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 31/07/2019 08:17

Actually at 3 surely he does need some new toys and books out growing baby toys / books ready for some new things.
You can also direct family to clothes.

I can understand people saying no to older kids getting new stuff but not at 3.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 31/07/2019 08:21

@Seahorseshoe I didn't ever suggest I'd ask for money instead of presents! That makes me feel sick!

Don't worry, it was a PP not you! You sound lovely.

Will your DS be distracted by seeing the presents all stacked up on the table? Can you get round that at least?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2019 08:29

I’d ignore it and bring a gift too for a child. At three you know it’s not their decision and it seems so joyless to deprive a child of a natural part of birthdays.

I’d absolutely respect the request of it was an adult birthday party.

Although lots says no gifts but actually mean they want cash.

MyOtherProfile · 31/07/2019 08:32

Giving and receiving is a lovely part of birthdays. Would you be happy never taking a present to any parties your DC goes to in life? I wouldn't. It's part of them learning to be generous. If he chooses no presents when he's older that's up to him but don't foist it on him now. They don't have to distract from the party if you put them in a big bag for later.

NerrSnerr · 31/07/2019 08:39

The thing I like about getting presents from nursery/ school friends is getting toys I didn't know about or wouldn't have considered buying that they love.

Presents tend to go on a table in the corner, children are usually so excited to be running about they don't really notice them until after.

Some people do give 'plastic crap' but lots give books, craft sets, colouring stuff etc.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 31/07/2019 08:40

I think it's a bit rude to specify what you can or can't bring to a birthday party to be honest. Yes you might get some tat, but I don't think DC ever had much tbh. Lots of people will buy a book, craft stuff, a board game/puzzle etc.

For family - my mum would be upset if she wasn't allowed to buy DC gifts. She takes pleasure in seeing their faces light up. I keep a gift list for them, so if any family ask for ideas they can look at that if they want to. I'd never ask them to put money in an account instead - I'd much rather let family buy presents and us to cut back and put money away if needed.

ThighsRelief · 31/07/2019 08:47

I think any specification (unless asked) is rude. I just wouldn't go anywhere without something, i can't do it.

Impatientwino · 31/07/2019 08:53

By the time they are 6ish the big parties generally stop so this really is only going to be an issue for you 3 times (ish)

I would just go with it, use some gifts for future party gifts and take some to the charity shop/food bank/woman's refuge.

Generally they are so excited about seeing their friends and their party they do forget about the presents and you can open them in stages later on. My son loved walking in with his gift and passing it to his friend.

Impatientwino · 31/07/2019 08:56

I also agree with a PP who said sometimes they get a toy/activity you hadn't considering giving them and you may find a new interest for them...

Original poster
thinkingcapon · 31/07/2019 08:58

Message received

Presents it is......Angry

X

OP posts:
Aragog · 31/07/2019 09:07

We would still feel we should take a gift and dd would have wanted to take a gift for her friend in their birthday.she enjoyed the process of choosing a gift she thought her friend would like, and giving it. Present swapping is normal amongst children's parties after all. I'd end up still letting dd choose something small but less toy like; so sweets or a book perhaps.

I'm not paying into some bank account Hmm If parents want to create a nest egg for their child then that's their choice, and they should use their money. Likewise charity. I donate to charity anyway. I don't need someone else to tell me to do so and dictate to me which charity.

Presents aren't usually opened at the party. They're out to one side and taken home. So no reason for your child to get obsessed by them and ignore his party.

Luckily in 17 years of having a child we've only had this happen once, and that was only because the family were emigrating a couple of months later. Instead all the parents got together and bought the child one small, though dearer, gift as a memento instead.

EleanorReally · 31/07/2019 09:08

You can always donate them to a charity shop after a while op

Anyonebut · 31/07/2019 09:12

I have always said no presents. In fact in my children's first school, this was the norm.

Outside of that school, the reality is quite a few people will buy a present, a few people bring something their child has made and a few don't bring anything.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/07/2019 09:16

tables of gifts spilling off the sides which won't be ever opened or used
Why would you not open them? That's ridiculous. Put them onn a table out the way and explain thry can't be opened until at home. Family presents before the party, then ratiom the other presents over the next few days. If he gets really bored do some whilst he's asleep.
Sort presents into
a. inappropriate - too young, too small, guns etc or anything you have a principled injection to - donate these
b. Currently inappropriate - too big, too old. These can go aside or be donated
c . duplicates / already got - is it worth keeping a spare or justalso donated to a charity.
d. Stuff hell use, need, like, play with - if theres too many sort into similar types and rotate.

SilverySurfer · 31/07/2019 09:29

I think it's a perfectly reasonable request for your own birthday but really mean for your child's.

Original poster
thinkingcapon · 31/07/2019 09:37

Ok I'm getting a bit angry now....I know how to open presents, when to do them, what to do with regifting/charity donations etc. I'd even thank people and send them a thank you card (which I've not received yet from any parent of the parties we've been to!)
I'm aware that I'd need to distract him etc....

My op was asking if there was a way I could get around people bringing gifts......I simply didn't want my son to be inundated with presents. It didn't matter what they are, I'm very grateful to the gifters, I was simply trying to teach him that you don't always get presents if it's your party and the best present was his actual birthday with kids entertainer and bouncy castle

Rant over!

OP posts:
stucknoue · 31/07/2019 09:37

Dd has been to food bank parties recently, for teenagers too. On the invite it says rather than bring gifts, bring a donation for the food bank. Some people find this pretentious but at least it's not filling up landfill

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/07/2019 09:38

Re being distracted at his party, you could leave them to be opened afterwards. That's what dd does and it's no problem for Gdcs (3 and 4).

Might add that she makes a careful note of who gave what, and quite a few of them will be re-gifted at the many parties Gdcs are invited to.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/07/2019 09:56

@thinkingcapon and yet you talk about having tables of presents that don't get opened.
He's 5, until he's an adult if he has a party he'll get presents. The other option is to have a smaller party and invite less people.

PunkTrumpet · 31/07/2019 10:05

I found that lots of parents would go off the look of the invite for present choices! My DS once chose Ninjago invites and most of his gifts from friends were Lego-based 😂 the next year we made invites that had a story/book theme and he got loads of books...

So with us it wasn't intentional, but perhaps you could 'suggest' your DC's interests through the design of the invite? Books, art, cooking, etc?

Oflawrence · 31/07/2019 10:10

You could use the things you get or exchange for other things you need to avoid having to buy these things and then put that saved money into a savings account.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 31/07/2019 10:13

I wish it wasn't the norm to do presents for big parties.I've got two DCs close in age and after 4 years in a row of a class party per year, plus all the other stuff they have anyway (and they love bitty stuff like Lego, train set and geo mags), my floors are constantly drowned under plastic. They still haven't outgrown young toys like duplo even though they are at school so we haven't had a big clear out because at 8 & 6 they still love things they were using 5+ years ago.

Sometimes I have sneaked items out to the charity shop but feel guilty and ungrateful at just dumping a gift on unused. More often they excitedly break into the packaging, spread the parts of some flimsy partially made toy/game that isn't quite fit to function and within a fortnight it's become landfill. What a bloody waste of resources and the giver's money for 5 minutes of excitement.

Last year the whole class came with the contents of the Toys R Us closing sale. There were some real bargain gifts in there, but my goodness, the sheer volume of stuff! I honestly don't know how people manage without the benefit of a large playroom to stash it all in. And if the answer to that is getting rid/ giving away, what's the bloody point???

I tend to either put £10 in a card if I don't know a child so well or buy something potentially useful like a fancy water bottle or wallet.

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