Please help me with my 11 year old middle child

[Conflicted121]

My DS has always been confrontational and argumentative. Since around the age of 5 we noticed that he would get easily frustrated and lash out if he was told no.

We have always tried to set a good example. DH and I never argue or bicker in front of them and my other children are all very laid back. There is never any name calling of any kind so I know that we are not setting a bad example in that way. He constantly craves attention and usually we have a problem when we say no to something. He is into something different each week and goes to extremes. So this week it might be that he wants to start boxing and I say I will look into it but before I know it he has a price list of all the equipment he needs. Next week it will be fishing then something else. During this time it is all he wants to talk about. He interrupts constantly all day everyday about the subject he is on and if we point out that we are talking and he is interrupting us, he sees it as rejection and starts shouting and screaming.

Things just go from 0 - 60 in seconds with him. Today is a classic example. He asked if we could go shopping but I can’t go today but committed to going tomorrow with him. He storms out and seconds later I can hear him calling my husband stupid and an idiot and making threats to leave.

The other children can’t bear to be around him as it is a constant daily thing and I just don’t know what to do.

I have tried almost everything. I wait until he calms and then talk to him where he promises not to do it again but he does. He is impossible to get through to while he is upset.

I am at the end of my tether. Any advice?

What is he like at school OP?

At school they have noted his persistence to try and randomly communicate at the most irrelevant time. However he is not aggressive at all. I should say that he is very kind hearted and helpful when he is not upset and this is the side that comes out at school. I think this is because he does understand boundaries. Because it happens dally on several occasions, I think we must be missing those boundaries somehow but we do have clear consequences for his behaviour and do stick by then. But, because it happens so often we run out of consequences that can be reasonably executed.

Sounds like he hasn't learnt to regulate his negative emotions. Consequences won't really help with this as it punishes the behaviour but also teaches that it's wrong to feel upset. Have you tried validating those emotions (it's ok to feel upset) and teach him coping strategies such as deep breathing etc., which you go through with him during his outbursts? Important thing is for you to model the appropriate behaviour, i.e. stay calm and don't get angry or shout at him. Does he have somewhere to go to cool off and calm down without being told off for his behaviour?