What if feeling of sadness never goes?

[namechangedyetagain]

What do you do when you feel so sad, despite being on anti depressants that you never feel as if you will ever be happy again?

There is no joy in life, and I can't envisage a time when there ever will be. I'm nearing 50 so may have a good few years of this misery left yet

I've had counselling, cbt, counselling for ptsd and undergoing bereavement counselling. I'm beyond help.

You’re not beyond help, I promise x

Your meds’ may need tweaking or your might just need more time. I remember feeling that way after a traumatic bereavement, like you’ll never ever feel truly happy again but you will in time

What is there which is good in your life? What do you enjoy?

Have they checked to see if it’s hormonal?

Did you suffer from PMT before your periods? Did you feel happier when pregnant, then maybe suffered a big PND slump after the birth? Dr John Studd thinks some women are intolerant of their own progesterone, and can become very very depressed just before the menopause.

I've not had depression myself, but my SIL suffered from it for 20 years and has now been depression-free for a year. I hope the same happens for you OP

So yes I've had pnd and got better. But that was 11/ 6 years ago.

I've lost my younger DB and my dgf in the last 11 months. The only 2 constant men I had all my life (df left when I was 6 and himself died 9 years ago) This comes on top of moving house 3 times in the 6 months before that which comes on top of an event which left with PTSD..

My meds have already been changed and then upped. There is pretty much nothing that I enjoy. I'm empty. I'm spent. I have 3 children and I work and I'm done. There is nothing left of me to give. I can't go on. I do, because I have no alternative. But my God I hate my life and I'm counting down the next 40 years or so....

An ideal day for me would be to sit on a beach with a glass of wine watching the sea. I'm too scared to drive to the sea, to 6 anxious to take my children out and no one else to take me. I'm not even a proper person anymore.

My life is shameful.

It's times like this you wish you could take someone...it sounds like a lovely idea sitting on the beach with a glass of wine.

Would a bus be ok then you could have a whole day to yourself?

Moving house is supposed to be right up there with bereavement in terms of stress x

You don’t have to be beyond help.

Start small.
Define one moment of happiness - the most basic you can imagine. Then count every one.
It worked for me.

After lurking for ages, I've finally registered just so I can tell you that your life is not shameful and you are not beyond help. You have been through so many things that could knock anyone sideways. I'm glad you're having bereavement counselling and hope you can get help for PTSD too. But healing takes time, so please remember to be gentle with yourself.

Healing does take time, I know. But I can't think that I'll ever be healed, or ever come to terms with losing DB. I'm living half a life. I'm envious of those who laugh, have that sparkle, have things to look forward to.

I just feel, well, bleak I suppose. I have no purpose. I exist.

I've felt similarly at different times in my life. The only thing I know how to do is get through the next few minutes and then the next few and so and so on. I started taking medication for my anxiety last year and I wish I had of started sooner as it has really helped me. I also find sometimes I just had to make myself do something go somewhere etc. It helps me to have something to look forward to, seeing my sister, going away etc. It is hard but down the track you will look back and see how far you have come. Good luck with everything. Be brave be bold (I tell myself this every day).

So yes I've had pnd and got better. But that was 11/ 6 years ago.

Sorry, I wasn’t implying that this was still PND. Those examples I gave about PMT and PND are the clues Dr Studd uses to see if someone is progesterone-intolerant. If you are extra sensitive to your own progesterone, you’ll suffer PMT most months and PND, and you’re much more likely to suffer awful depression when you approach the menopause.

You’ve had an awful time and I don’t know how anyone gets past the loss of a brother. But many women your age are put into antidepressants, because their hormones are causing depression.

It might be that HRT would help you. I’m not sure. But please have a huge hug. I’m also too scared to drive my car (since I turned 46) and it really limits your life. I feel for you.

I'm pretty sure I'm peri. I do get pmt (extra weepy) and I did have pnd. However loved pregnancy and felt amazing. So could be worth looking into, thank you.

I just feel, well, bleak I suppose. I have no purpose. I exist.

I can relate, I felt similar after my Mum died, we were very close. I felt as if I had died as well, died inside. I still breathed in and out, walked about but there was nothing left inside me.

It started by doing small things to feel better and built up from there. Is that something you think you can do?

I felt like this 3 years ago when the man I loved just fumped me when I was ill. We'd been together for 20 years.
Did the whole antidepressant, standing at the top of the cliffs thing, then roll on three years ditched the antidepressants so I could really feel again, dealt with the resulting torrent of feelings and I'm feeling positive and happy for the first time in ages aided and abetted by my lovely adult son.
I'm moving to a cheaper part of the country, got a much less stressful job and I just can't wait to start living again.
It isn't forever, it just feels like it at the time. You will get better I promise.

@KatherineJaneway that is exactly it. I feel like there is nothing left inside me. I breathe, eat, get dressed, work. But I'm just getting by.

What small things did you do, if you don't mind me asking?

@namechangedyetagain

Don't mind at all. I started small: congratulated myself for getting through another day, lit scented candles around the bath I was having, I tried to eat foods I loved as treat (prawn mayo sandwich = huge treat), music was a lifeline, talking to others who felt the same was a huge help too. They don't have Yahoo chat now but I made friends who felt like I did and it helped immensely. I no longer felt so alone with my feelings and had people who understood me.

I also was referred for CBT by my GP. That helped my thinking. I remember telling my counselor that it was such a huge effort just to get out of bed every day. She said 'Then don't'. I said I have to, I have to get paid and pay my bills etc! She said but you don't have to get out of bed though do you? You choose to get out of bed to go to work and earn money to pay your bills and live your life - or words to that effect.
That was a key moment for me that I had a choice and I make that choice each day despite my inner feelings.

Sorry am probably rambling on now

I know how you feel- just going through the motions.

BUT... you've had a huge amount of trauma in the last few years. Your body and nervous system need to recover- and they will. I remember that it feels as if you are totally rational, and all those other idiots out there enjoying life are deluded fools. But they aren't- it's an illusion your mind does for some strange reason.

Hang in there, going through the motions, giving yourself a little treat every day- a scented candle, bar of chocolate, 5mins peace and quiet with a favourite song... you'll get there.

I think the onset of the summer holidays hasn't helped. Everything is out of routine, the house gets untidy 5 minutes after I've tidied, I have mine (and other) children around constantly, demanding of me in one way or another.

I really want to check out. I want to go and sit on my own. With no noise, no one asking me for food, telling tales, screeching. I feel so guilty as I know I am lucky to be with my DC but I'm running on empty. I'm spent.

Supposed to have a wedding next weekend but dreading that even as everyone will be so happy and I'll just feel miserable. Last wedding I went to was DBs. Not that long ago and now he's gone. How is that even possible.

I've taken comfort in eating food and drinking wine so now I have a weight problem as well.

My whole life needs a shake up but I don't have the oomph to do anything. I'm not worth saving.

You're life may well need a shake up, but not today. Not this week, or this month. Be as kind to yourself as you can be- arrange things so your DC don't need you quite as much- snacks available, tv allowed etc. Just strip it right back to essentials and get as much rest as you can.

Does DC dad help out much? Sounds like you desperately need a day to yourself.

How do you know everyone else at the wedding will be happy?? We all conceal hurts, despite a smile. Go, and try to focus on reconnecting, enjoying chat and listening to the ceremony and feeling happy for the couple.

Really sorry about your DB, it's very painful losing a sibling. Did you want to talk about that?

I've talked and talked about losing him, but nothing brings him back. I've lost half of me, all of me, and I'll never be the same. He was 42. It's so cruel. I've pretty much been on self destruct since this time last year. It's been a blur.

Dh is amazing, but works long hours. He does so much to look after me and the DC. I'm very lucky. I sometimes forget that he's grieving as well.

I'm not worth saving.

Yes you are

OP I spent 20 years with depression. I thought I'd never get better. But in the last couple of years I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder rather than depression, been treated for that, done a lot of private therapy, had my meds tweaked and for the first time in fuck knows how long I actually feel positive and hopeful for the future.

I used to think about suicide every single day, and tell myself that once the DCs we're old enough to cope with it I'd do it. Now, looking back, it's scary how unwell I was, and for such a long time, it had become my 'normal'. I hardly recognise myself these days.

I'm not saying it's been easy, it hasn't but it was absolutely worth it.