Wtf is this?

[owl89]

Just noticed this on my carpet next to the skirting board as I was walking up stairs? Eugh feel sick. Wtf is it? Am I going to have to burn my house down?

It's a beetle larva. Looks like a mealworm.

Passes OP a lighter and suggests running away sharpish

HTH

Oh no. I only found the one. Is there likely to be loads?

It’s a Peniswig. Similar to an Earwig but without all the legs.

Ffs I just Googled peniswig

Yep, fire is the solution here.

Agree with Hawkmoth - mealworm, perfectly harmless, in fact very useful, often used as food for insectivorous birds on birdtables, robins especially love 'em!

Is it alive or dead? Could it have been transported in from a neighbour's bird feeder somehow?

It was alive on the the 5th step up.

They are also full of protein and have a slightly 'nutty' flavour...

...or so I have been told!

But if you had an infestation of them you would more likely find them in the kitchen as they feed on flour, bread and cereal based products. And you would also have seen adult beetles too, since the beetles would have to lay eggs in order for you to have the larval mealworm stage. My best guess is that is a 'one off' that has somehow been transported into your house.
Unless you have children keeping a secret pet unbeknownst to you, they are sold as food for various reptiles, amphibians etc. Tortoises love them, as do gerbils, pet rats, mice and most other small mammals

Looks like a mealworm we have a farm of them and feed them to the chickens

I wouldn't be surprised if my 3 year old brought it in as a pet. But seriously, I've just remembered about 3 weeks ago I found a large black dead beetle in the kitchen

electricmoogaloo, I used to breed them years ago too when I used to keep a number of pets which were very fond of eating them. No longer keep pets, but my house is full of other insects, arachnids etc - woodlice, (chuckypigs we called them when I was a child), silverfish, earwigs and violet beetles. Mice and sparrows living in the thatch too, along with a colony of bats. Love it - I am more than happy to share my home with other residents!! None of them do any real harm.

:) they wig a lot of people out when they first spot them 😂