Friend's DD and contact with XH

[GiveMeStrength2day]

Posting for my friend.

I will try to keep this as short as possible. Friend's XH is vile and controlling. He will take every opportunity to get her into trouble (eg. reported her for benefit fraud saying she has Munchhausen's by proxy - except my friend has no such thing and her DD has been diagnosed as having ASD etc etc and attends a SEN school).

A court order is in place for the XH to have contact/access to the DD. We feel certain the XH only has the DD to stay in order to deprive my friend of time with her DD (you'll have to take my word for that). When the DD stays with the XH, he does not allow her any contact with my friend (even though this is also set out in the court order). If he's ever been pulled up on it, he just says that the DD doesn't want to contact her mother during that time (seriously untrue).

There are so many examples the XH's behaviour that my OP would be about 3 pages long!

Next week the DD has to stay with her Father for 3 weeks. This will mean 3 weeks without any contact with her mum. The DD doesn't want to go at all. She hates her Dad. Wishes he was dead. My friend has always abided with the court order even forcing her DD to go to the XH as she is aware she could (and would be if the XH has anything to do with it) be arrested if she doesn't. The DD is getting more and more stressed at the prospect of spending 3 weeks with her Dad and 3 weeks away from and with no contact with her Mum.

My friend is getting increasing concerned at how much the situation is affecting the DD's mental health. The DD is begging not to go to the XH.

I should mention that my friend has no issue with the DD seeing her Dad.

Does anyone know if my friend can do anything?? I've suggested going to the DD's paediatrician to see if paed will provide a report or something.

I just don't know what else to suggest. The DD is 10

I've suggested going to the DD's paediatrician to see if paed will provide a report or something.

Paediatrician implies American, its not a term we'd generally use in the uk, and on that premise, we aren't au fait with overseas laws.

I can only suggest taking it back to court.

Paediatrician as in children's doctor (not GP)
So not American but in UK

What are you on about IAskTooManyQuestions? A paediatrician is a children's doctor and we use that term in the UK

Can your friend go back to court to make the ex stick to the order?

Paediatrician is a paediatric doctor in the UK? Unless there is something I don't know about as I've been taking several referrals a week from them for years? What an odd comment.

Op she needs to go back to court and challenge the order. Things like supporting statements from the paed doctor are useful but it'll probably come down to a Caffcass report. Dd needs to be consistent in her responses and friend needs to illustrate she is not making dd worry about dad.

The only option is to take it back to court.
You would need to ask a lawyer what kind of additional medical evidence would help matters.
If you post on legal matters, there are a couple of family lawyers who are usually quite helpful to posters.

Was there an ASD diagnosis when the court order was made?

I was told many years ago that when a child is 9 they can decide for themselves if they done want to see the other parent.

That’s exactly what my son did age 9 but my daughter kept on going.

The issue was that their father had gone on to have three more girls at the time and my son was completely left out when he visited but my daughter was happy to play with the little girls.

My son still visited his grandma on his fathers side and he just used to say hello to his father if he came round and then go upstairs if he felt he didn’t want to have any further communication.

I made it clear to my son that it didn’t have to be a final decision and he could always change his mind and see if his father if he wanted to. He chose not to as a child but as an older teen they have some contact on Instagram and Facebook.

My son had the support of a family psychiatrist who said that I was forcing my son to see his father and it was causing my son problems as he really didn’t want to go but to always make sure the door was left open to.

His father accepted our son’s decision mainly because he had his hands full with his three other children and then another child a boy whom he had when my son was 21.

There really needs to be something in place for this situation, it happens so much I would be looking into what the actual consequences would be if your friend just said no, she's not going. If there are no major implications for her or DC (such as weakening her case and him ending up with more contact) and it's 'safe' in terms of his likely reaction (violence etc) I would keep DD home and deal with the fallout later. If he has to take it back to court it would give your friend time to collect evidence from doctors, school etc of the damage to DD's mental health and hopefully the court would see she was acting in DD's best interests.

I must add though that she needs to be very sure she's taking no risks by withholding contact so she needs legal advice about the powers of the court order (Rights of Women give free legal advice if she doesn't have a solicitor) and to be sure he poses no physical risk before she goes this route. Poor kid, and poor mum having to send her child off when she doesn't want to go

I've just had a look at ages of children in family courts and from what I've read it looks as though 10 is the age children have a say. So maybe your friend needs to get legal advice on how her child feels about the arrangement can be included.

Many thanks for your responses.

Would she be able to get a court hearing before the DD has to go next week though? The DD has written a letter to the court before telling them that she doesn't want to go to her Dad's (albeit my friend knows that no contact is unrealistic) and was ignored. Not sure what the DD has to do to be listened to. At their last paediatrician appointment the DD was asked what would make her happy (just to make the world a better place in general) and the DD responded that the world would be a happier place if her Dad was dead

Things would be so much better all round if the DD was at least allowed to contact her Mum during the time she was with her Dad but he simply will not allow it. Mum gave her a mobile. Dad takes it straight off DD and puts it in a high cupboard. One time he smashed it and threw it away. The DD is pretty scared of him.

The XH will definitely not agree to any compromise

My friend is quite sure if she doesn't take the DD to the XH then she will be arrested for breaching the court order. I think my friend hasn't had a great experience with Cafcass in the past.

I think the "official" ASD diagnosis was made after the court hearing but it was always known by everyone (school etc) that the DD had SN.

The same thing happened last summer. The DD had to go to the XH for 3 weeks. No contact with her mum. First week it turned out the DD was sent by her Dad to some residential kids' camp place and no instruction was given to them by him re her SN (and allergies). Somehow my friend found out where the DD was and managed to advised them of the DD's difficulties at least. So, as I said, it's not that the XH wants to see/be with the DD, he just doesn't want the DD to be with her mum

She needs to ring Rights of Women and find out what would actually happen if she broke the court order rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Thank you for all your advice. I am passing everything on to my friend. It would help if any of you could just conjure up a convenient bolt of lightning to just zap the XH off the earth

Who told her she would be arrested?
Visitation is a civil matter not a criminal matter.
She could refuse access. Say DD is sick or refusing point blank to go.
The onus would then be on him to take it back to court. Where your friend could say the DD is refusing to go.

I think the fact that the diagnosis was not in place at the time of the court order is significant. There is lots of evidence that people with ASD need consistency and do not like change. I would be looking at the ASD report to see what justifies a change in contact - for example, shorter visits which the DD can manage - and what supports need to be in place for contact to work (I.e ability to phone her mum if she is anxious). But if there is a court order, your friend will have to take it back to court. I think she will need legal advice re an emergency hearing.

I agree. I think going back to court would be the thing to do. Unfortunately I doubt she will get a hearing prior to the forthcoming stay with the XH.

Did anyone ever see the video of the two children that were court ordered to see/stay with their mother? It was very distressing to watch. They were screaming and terrified but a police officer took them away from their Dad (it was a bit of a role reversal) with the Dad apologising to them that he couldn't do anything to stop the policeman

In my friend's case, the court order does state that the DD should be allowed to call her mum but the XH says that she doesn't want to. Complete lie.

The way the access works is so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance for the DD (as he has her 50%) except that as he's a shift worker it isn't very often that he actually looks after the DD - he just gets his partner and her mum to take care of the DD