Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do you spend a lot of time with your mother-in-law

50 replies

PapaStinky · 28/07/2019 20:17

Just wondering what's the norm. Father-in-law passed away some years back. We took mother-in-law under our wing and pre kids she used to come on holidays with us etc. Fast forward to present day with 2 kids and the holidays are not enjoyable anymore so tend to have her over most weeks for dinner and drinks. She never used to stay over but has now started to then hanging around the next day and I feel I can't get on and do anything as have to make small talk.

For those in a similar situation how much time do you spend together?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 29/07/2019 07:15

My MIL thankfully has a life of her own with friends and hobbies. It sounds like your MIL is using your family as a crutch as she doesn't have this.

Yogagirl123 · 29/07/2019 07:18

Sounds like my life OP! I love my MIL, she has been very kind to me & my DS’ but sometimes it’s a tad overbearing. My DS’ are late teens now and we have gradually reduced the visit rate over recent years under protest! But still her two days every week without fail.

Stpancras · 29/07/2019 07:20

We’re expats and she visits us twice a year for two weeks plus we visit her for ten days every summer. I hate spending time with her (she is a passive aggressive gossip who never ever stops talking) but she’s DHs only family so🤷🏻‍♀️ Currently trying to get out of spending yet another Christmas with her...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

user1471582494 · 29/07/2019 07:24

Once, maybe twice a year, for a day or so. It's enough. We live over 1200km away for a reason.

joystir59 · 29/07/2019 07:32

Mil (86) lives with us. She has little mobility due to arthritis and also has mental health issues which are much alleviated by her not living on her own any more. We have a big house and do not share living space with her, but do see her every day of course, and clean her room, bathroom, change her bed, wash her clothes. She is appreciative and easy, good sense of humour. We would expend far more energy and worry alot and feel guilt torn if she lived elsewhere. IMO more people should look after elderly parents this way.

AuntieMarys · 29/07/2019 07:34

We saw her twice a year for about 4 hours on each occasion. Neither of us could stand her. Luckily she lived 150 miles away

courderoy · 29/07/2019 07:39

On holiday with her now. Used to see her 3/4 times a year, then FIL died and she moved very near to us. Now see her weekly maybe (DH sees her more).

MrsJonesAndMe · 29/07/2019 07:41

We stayed for a few days at Christmas. I tried to pin her down for a weekend visit in March/April as it was Mothers day/her birthday/Easter, but she didn't have a weekend free and then DH tried to arrange us to see her in July but she wasn't free either

I give up!

AliasGrape · 29/07/2019 07:51

PIL live 10 mins from us, they look after our dog whilst we work so one of us sees them every day to drop off/ collect him. It’s usually DP who does that partly because he tends to finish earlier and partly because they talk on and on and on at you and I find it impossible to get away in under 40 minutes or so. They talk less at DP (suppose I’m still a ‘novelty’ even after years) and he is more comfortable saying ‘right enough I have to go now’ whereas I get stuck listening to the same story about bus times for the 15th time out of politeness and feel my life slipping away!

That being said they are both lovely people and help us out a lot and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. We go to dinner with them maybe once every two weeks and they come to us once a month or so. I’ll occasionally go out at the weekend with MIL shopping or for a coffee, but she does have various charity groups she’s involved in and goes to a lot of craft fairs and so on so generally tends to be busy. Maybe every couple of months we’ll all go for lunch at the garden centre and take DP’s gran as well. DP visits his gran at least once sometimes twice a week, in laws spend some part of each day with her.

Never attempted a holiday with them, think I might end up walking off a nearby pier if we did but it’s more FIL than MIL that drives me round the bend. MIL talks a lot but does at least occasionally vary her stories or topics of conversation. FIL not so much, he tells me the exact same things on repeat every time we see him.

WingBingo · 29/07/2019 08:50

I see my MIL a lot. She lives in the annexe.

She is authoritative and rules the roost. Well she tries to, and I ignore her.

Having said that she is very supportive and my 2 DS’ are her world, and they adore her.

Over the years I have changed from tolerating her to liking her quite a bit.

She is here a lot during the day but always sticks to her own space in the evenings.

We eat together on a Sunday and she has the boys to sleep over once a week. She also takes them out for the day every now and then. It could be worse.

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/07/2019 08:56

See her most weeks but I wouldn't say we have quality time together. Usually half an hour here and there when she watches the kids for us.
She has invited herself to an activity tomorrow which is a bit frustrating as I was hoping to take a book and relax whilst the kids played.

RedCrab · 29/07/2019 09:07

Love my MIL so much, I’d like to spend more time with her. She’s calm and gentle and very kind. We get on like a house on fire. For work reasons, she used to stay once a week but now no longer does and I miss her.

She was at the home birth of two of our DC and she taught me how to breastfeed. We get on wonderfully.

Yearinyearout · 29/07/2019 09:12

We see her once a week either at ours or hers, she’s nice enough but not someone I have a close relationship with (she’s a bit distant with most people, not just me). She does lead quite a busy life though with various hobbies so she’s not bored/lonely.

thecatsthecats · 29/07/2019 09:22

My MIL is very nice (FIL less so...), but she'd like nothing more than to tie us down to a regimented visit all day every Sunday and Wednesday afternoons, and do all of our socialising with her friends and family also.

DH, mercifully, has no interest in this, and insisted that we live on the far side of town. We see her frequently enough, but irregularly.

(I don't get people who spend a fixed day with their family every weekend? Like, just sitting around chatting? I understand meeting up and doing things, but the idea of just sitting in someone's house every weekend is just... why?)

MangoSpice · 29/07/2019 09:23

We live 200 miles from my MIL so only see her a few times a year. She's a very difficult woman, selfish, judgemental and rude. My FIL died 18 years ago and he was a lovely man full of fun and humour.

MIL came here last Christmas and it was a disaster, she hasn't been since and I've seen her twice in her own home - briefly.

PanamaPattie · 29/07/2019 09:33

No. I popped round for a coffee in 1998.

karala · 29/07/2019 09:36

my Mil stays with us for a few days every few months and I do a mix of spending time with her and just getting on with my own thing. She's happy reading, listening to the radio/watching telly and we sit and have a coffee and then I go off and do more of my own thing. She's a remarkably easy woman to have as a guest

IdblowJonSnow · 29/07/2019 09:44

Not much. They live very locally and we used to be quite close but things have somewhat soured over the years.
They still see lots of the kids and DH which is the main thing.

CatFaceCats · 29/07/2019 09:57

I’m currently on holiday staying with my in-laws in their house abroad. We get on pretty well for the most part, she comes back to our country for all the kids school hols (they have a house up the road from us) and is so helpful. Just things like if I have a sick child and my partner is away, I know she’ll come down on 10 mins notice or collect the other from school. I’m not super close to her though, but I think she’s just that kind of guarded person - even after 10 years! I know if I asked her to go for lunch or coffee she would, but she hates to ask favours from us even after all she does for us!

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 29/07/2019 13:26

I loved my MIL. We lived nearer her than my parents, and went on holiday with them a number of times before they got too frail. But we lived too far away to see them every week so we were always choosing to visit.

MadisonAvenue · 29/07/2019 13:37

I don't see mine very often.

She moved away from our area and now lives a 3 hour drive away which makes things easier in a way because if I can possibly avoid seeing her then I do.

She's prone to creating a drama out of nothing. She's manipulative, she'll play my husband and his sibling against each other (and she doesn't realise that they worked that out years ago), she's judgmental, selfish, self-pitying...a very difficult woman. She's fallen out with a lot of the extended family over the years.

She stays usually twice a year while driving through the area to get elsewhere, and again on her return to where she now lives. It started that she'd stay one night on each leg of the journey but now she's stretched it out so that she stays two nights one way and three the other and it drives me to despair.

@MangoSpice I actually just read your reply and thought I'd already posted on this thread, right down to FIL and when he died.

Pinkout · 29/07/2019 14:46

I see her once every few months and that is more than enough for both DH and I. DH is not her biggest fan either so he tends to avoid her at all costs. She is a highly irritating, erratic and loud person.

MangoSpice · 29/07/2019 15:02

@MadisonAvenue your MIL really does sound uncannily like mine! My MIL also plays DH and his siblings off against each other, to the point his eldest brother is LC with her. She is extremely manipulative too. How sad that these women exist!

I have 4 spans and have learned a lot of what not to do as a MIL from her.

Lindormilk · 29/07/2019 15:27

She’s dead but I didn’t really like her. DH never called her mum. She was old when he was born (40 and that was 56 yrs agi). His older brother was 18 when he was born do it’s obvious he wasn’t planned). She wasn’t very maternal towards him and she was a bit out if it as a granny. We didn’t really spent time with her apart from the odd Sunday lunch or Christmas. All small talk etc.

She dued when DD1 was 8 and just the ither week I asked her what’s her memory of her and her reply was “she smelled of smoke”. She was a heavy smoker and i think that contributed a lot to us not wanting to be with her. It wasn’t nice.

Enko · 29/07/2019 16:13

I had a close loving relationship with my late mil. However she understood boundaries. Didn't offer advice unless I asked and didn't stay overnight. Always supported our parenting decisions to the children too. We used to see her twice week .Miss her dearly..

Flip

1 2