I don't know what's wrong with me

[runningonberocca]

I feel like I've fallen apart. Usually love my work, I have a senior position and a great team. Very busy but always felt I could cope. New manager over recent months who makes no secret of disliking me- I continued to work as normal , tried to not let it affect me. But now she has given me the silent treatment for over a month. When I have approached to discuss work related issues she tells me she hasn't time to talk to me and I have also learnt that she has accused me of various serious ( not illegal but would be not good work practice) things behind my back to very senior management. They know her account is untrue due to an email chain throughout. However they simply don't see the impact of this on me.
Today is my day off - I have literally been an anxious crying mess all day. I dread going in tomorrow to her scowling silently at me again . I can't eat - forced down a bowl of ice cream and then vomited. I have been punching my legs to get rid of the horrible anxious feeling - I have never self harmed in my life. I can't sleep. My DP is at work but has left early as he feels I need him - he wants to take me out to cheer me up but I can't face it. I don't know what to do- I love my job and I am good at it but I feel like giving it all up. And I hate that out of a huge team 1 person can do this. We have lost really good staff because they cannot work with her and I hate watching this happen
I feel like I can't go in tomorrow but I also hate feeling this weak and feel like I need to give myself a good kick. What should I do? I don't really want a new job - I've worked really hard for this

You sound like you've been there a while. You have to fight back against this awful person, is there a trusted colleague you can speak to?

She sounds like she’s bullying and gaslighting you - I’m so sorry, I’ve had similar.

You need to keep a diary of everything that’s happened.

You will also need to think about how far you would go to address this eg formal complaint or taking it higher if senior staff are unwilling to step in. You clearly can’t go on like this, it has damaged your health already.

Go see a dr about your anxiety - what ever you do proactively you need to be strong and confident, don’t let them undermine you.

What will happen with your annual review/PDP? Maybe ask for mediation sighting the current issues and HR support for your options and if you can have someone in meetings to be an impartial observer.

You and your health are the most important, even more than a good job. Concentrate on the different and positive ways this could end for you

Start looking for a new job immediately. This was a good job. Past tense. It is a bad job now. Onwards and upwards.

You say you've worked hard for this job so you don't want to leave. Turn that round in your head. Those skills are transferable. You can do bigger and better elsewhere now. It is time to go.

Thank you so much for your replies. Feel very isolated in this. Especially as most of the people I work with are in theory junior to me so it's hard to get support as it just seems like I'm bitching about the manager which is not professional. When I spoke to senior management as I had to after the accusations they seemed to know she was a complete nightmare but excuse it as " she's stressed" or " she's getting used to management'. And send her on a training course. I do get her job is stressful but I could actually help a bit with that if she'd let me! She excuses everything by saying that I am too harsh and I don't treat the staff well but I genuinely don't believe this. I scored well on my feedback and had some lovely feedback from colleagues. Also many of the people who I work with I am also friends with ( and I think if I was as big a cow as she makes me out as this wouldn't be the case). I'm really paranoid now about how anything I say or put in an email could be misinterpreted and it's making me feel paralysed at work.
Really good idea to keep a diary- I will start this. Seriously considering making a Gp appointment

Similar situation for me, though no obvious attempts to sabotage me. New manager is a control freak and the senior above her is also a control freak.
My CV is doing the rounds.

Make the GP appointment ASAP before it continues to affect your health.
She sounds awful. Is there anything that HR can do?
Try not to take it personally. There are some absolutely foul managers out there, she sounds like one of them

@runningonberocca how are you feeling today - have you made a drs appt?

Do you have a coach? If not, I strongly suggest you get one. They are worth their weight in gold in these situations.

Is the new boss still on probation? Let the top boss know you are thinking of leaving because of new manager's incompetence making it impossible for you to continue to be successful. You might even be given the job yourself.

Do a diary. Tell whomever is in management /HR that you respect and knows your history with the company that this is now affecting you health wise. Ask if they have suggestions on what can be done. And look for another job. Really good staff are hard.

Check the company's grievance procedure

She sounds threatened by you. You mention that you have friends there, that will also be a threat to her. She's going to continue behaving like this if you let her, you need to nip it in the bud, either make a complaint or confront her or play the bitch at her own game. In your situation, given how hard you've worked for your role, I know what I'd do.

I've been in your situation before. It's definitely time to move on.

Good idea to keep a diary while you're looking for a new job.

Don't let her grind you down.

Feeling much better than when I posted this - mainly because when I went in on Monday it turns out that she is on leave this week. ( which the team find out from an out of office reply - not any official handover). It feels like working in a different place when she's not around.
I have written down an account of various things that have happened with dates etc and have made a folder of relevant emails.
I have asked for a meeting with her direct line manager ( by email) and he called me and has set up a time to meet on Thurs. I was quite anxious about contacting him but when he called he said that he had been semi- expecting to hear from me. Apparently she had a go at him because in a group email in response to her asking for some suggestions about a project, and which I responded to, he ( her manager) had replied to my email saying "some good ideas there. I'm sure these will be very useful" and for this reason she accused him of siding with me and not supporting her! There were no sides to take! So he got the sense that she has some weird personal issue against me. Anyway I'm meeting him soon. Feel relieved that I've started doing something about it. ( and looking forward to my annual leave in 2 weeks)
Thanks for all your support - I never post and I'm really touched that someone was thinking of me @PaddingtonMare!

Glad to hear you are doing something proactive about this horrible situation.
I am in a similar situation but my manager isn't as obviously undermining as yours. Just makes it obvious that she doesn't like me by being much nicer to others and ignoring me iyswim and treats me like I'm incapable. I have always been highly respected by my managers until she came along and it really knocked my confidence. The truth is she doesn't take her responsibility seriously and I often pick up the pieces or it doesn't get done. I too informed senior management and feel much better that they are aware of the situation and can monitor it.
Getting on well with my colleagues and sharing my thoughts has also helped massively, knowing that I am not alone in thinking this person is a poor manager.
Having said that, I have tolerated the situation for 4 years but have decided to leave as soon as I can to get away from the toxic environment.

That's wonderful, well done for taking control of the situation!

I've been through something very, very similar. I complained (whistleblowing) and it got immensely worse.Management closed ranks. My GP advised me to leave. I didn't want to, but did, and it was the best thing I ever did.
Be careful with what you say to the higher manager, it could all go very wrong.
I hope for the best for you - but that may well be elsewhere.

Good luck for Thursday. She sounds very unprofessional and a bit of a cow.

@runningonberocca you’re welcome! It’s a horrible thing to go through and I was bewildered as to why anyone would do the same to me. I was young and took it very personally. She’s got a problem, not you, and you must protect your mental and physical health.

That's good news. Sounds like her boss will be managing her out asap.