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Original poster

Secret relationship?

19 replies

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 17:45

Hi all,
My head is a bit of a mess at the moment. From when I was 14-16 I was in a ‘secret relationship’ with my mums neighbour. He was 33 at the time it started. He had not long lost his wife and was a dad to young children. I started babysitting and things moved quickly to the point that I was there every day for hours but I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about us so I didn’t. He was heavily into witchcraft and used to discuss this with me frequently in some ways insinuating it would not be good for me to tell anyone.

Until a while ago (I’m 33 now) I just thought of it as a bit of an odd relationship but never gave it much thought. I recently told a friend about it who works with kids and she said it is a case of child sex abuse and that it’s completely wrong. I know That if I imagine what happened to me happening to my child or her friends I feel sick and see it as wrong but I just can’t change my head into thinking that what happened to me was wrong.

Has anyone else been through something similar, I can’t stop thinking about it at the moment and can’t make sense of it all

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2019 17:46

It was very wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2019 17:49

It was a crime and he took complete advantage of you. None of this was your fault. Do you think speaking to a therapist might help you work through how you're feeling?

Pipandmum · 28/07/2019 17:53

There’s nothing to make sense of - he took advantage of an underage girl.
You might want to talk to a professional about it but if you’ve moved past it and don’t feel any long term issues then if it was me I’d put it out of my mind.

Rangerange · 28/07/2019 18:02

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teen-groomed-sexually-abused-neighbour-17259658?utm_source=sharebar&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=sharebar

Very similar to this story

hellenbackagen · 28/07/2019 18:05

darling that isnt a secret relationship. its child abuse.

Original poster

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 18:35

Thank you for your replies. :)
Can I just ask does it not make you look at it differently because he had just lost his wife and maybe he wasn’t thinking straight?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2019 18:38

Can I just ask does it not make you look at it differently because he had just lost his wife and maybe he wasn’t thinking straight?

Not even a little bit. Just because you lost your wife doesn't mean you get a pass to sexually abuse a teenage girl.

Thegracefuloctopus · 28/07/2019 18:39

I know someone who was recently sent to prison for 4 years for doing a very similar thing. His reasoning was because he had lost his father suddenly.
I think it would benefit you to speak to a professional as he took advantage of you and what he did was illegal. He groomed you to think it was a secret relationship. I'm sorry, op

Rachelover40 · 28/07/2019 18:42

It was wrong regardless of how you feel about it, Yellowcup. You were only 14 when it started so it was child abuse. The witchcraft business added a further dimension to it.

You didn't do anything wrong, he did. He may not have been thinking straight at that time but should have known better. The fact that you had to keep it a secret shows that he knew the relationship was wrong.

What Pipandmum said: "if you’ve moved past it and don’t feel any long term issues then if it was me I’d put it out of my mind."

May I ask, how did it end?

TemporaryPermanent · 28/07/2019 18:56

I lost my husband and I have done some strange things in the aftermath but I haven't abused a 14 year old.

I'm very glad you don't feel damaged by it but I agree that therapy is a really good idea.

Original poster

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 19:43

@Rachelover40 he met someone. He was with someone while he was with me too but that didn’t last.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 20:07

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 28/07/2019 20:09

Similar for me
I met a 35 year old man when I was 13 and he groomed me, had sex with me when I was 14.i felt totally head over heels in love with him. My family found out after a few months and went mad, police involved but didn't take any action as I'd consented!!? Then my parents split up and I was left to see him as I pleased, it suited my mum to believe that he was in love with me. Once I left school he wasn't interested in me any more. I'm 38 now and I think of how it all happened, the things he used to say to me and how he was with me and I feel physically sick. I really do need to talk it through with someone because it has deeply affected me.
Op, you were abused.

Original poster

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 21:22

@bobstersmum I feel the same. I have never really thought about it. The more I think about it now the more I realise I’ve been purposely not thinking about it. If you ever want to chat you can PM me x

OP posts:

FairyDust92 · 28/07/2019 21:43

This is child sex abuse.
It doesn't matter if he just lost his wife, he used that to manipulate you.
He had children and was playing around with a child himself 🤢.
He had control over you and tried to use the whole witchcraft thing to scare you and to keep your silence.
I know sometimes when people have been groomed it's hard for them to see they've been groomed and feel a sense of loyalty to their abuser but he was a pervert and took advantage of you. I hope you can move on from what happened x

Original poster

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 22:22

Thank you. It doesn’t feel nice to think of it as ‘I have been abused’. I think after reading all of your comments maybe I do need to speak to someone.

OP posts:

FairyDust92 · 28/07/2019 22:39

@Yellowcup82 seek professional advice and see what you make of things then. Don't be hard on yourself and take care x

SecretU5ername · 28/07/2019 22:48

I agree with other posters - you were abused

What if the girl was 16 and the man 27, would you consider that abuse and grooming too or would it not be being that she is over legal consent age?

Original poster

Yellowcup82 · 28/07/2019 23:01

I know it’s wrong and I wouldn’t want my daughter so be with someone so much older when she was so young. But when it’s you you feel different and I don’t see it as black and white. It’s hard to explain.

I’ve read some posts on the net other people have posted about their stories and some people’s responses have been ‘they were old enough to know what they were doing.’

I guess I was kind of expecting the same response to my post.

OP posts:

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