Have Name-Changed for this, but posted before.
I had major orthopaedic surgery about eight weeks ago. Everything's gone well, but my emotions are all over the place as I re-submerge into almost normal life, and I'd appreciate knowing if anyone else who has had a similar experience has felt the same way.
The background is that I am disabled anyway, in ways that severely limit my movement and walking. I have known for a long time I would need a procedure of this nature at some point, but I wasn't expecting it to need it for several years yet, and it was a huge shock when I realised, at the end of last year, it had to happen this year.
The surgery was very heavily planned. I have a great support network - family and friends - who have been brilliant. I work full time and my work have been incredibly supportive, I'm really very lucky on both counts.
It's been tough, but it always was going to be tough. There were some hairy moments in the run up, but the procedure itself couldn't have gone better. The original estimate was that I would be off my feet for between six and thirteen weeks. I am at the point now where there is still some way to go, but I have started being able to walk short distances, and can even go out on my own in a taxi - as long as the taxi can drop me outside the door - tho I'm always exhausted when I get home.
Everyone medical thinks I'm doing really well, I have a little more mobility than they might have expected at this point, and now it's just a case of building up stamina again and waiting for everything to heal fully.
I've started doing some work from home, but only the easy stuff, because I don't have the stamina for much else. (My job is a decision making role with little margin for error, and I need to be sharper than I am before I go back to it, but I am doing the low risk bits.)
In short, it literally couldn't be going better. The trouble is, I'm suddenly finding I'm incredibly frustrated and stressed about everything, and just want to be recovered now. I'm not generally a very sensitive person but I'm being very sensitive now.
I was feeling out of the loop at work, but I talked to my boss, and we've got a phone meeting this coming week so she can tell me what's going on, and we can come up with a plan for a phased return. (Like I say, they are being brilliant.)
There are a couple of issues with my contract - which I can't detail here because they will be outing - but nothing that puts my job in danger. It was supposed to be sorted out while I was away but HR have been a bit rubbish and not done it. On discovering this, a senior colleague who I really trust has promised to get it fixed, and is properly on it. My logical brain I know there is nothing to worry about, but my sensitive brain is very anxious about it.
My friends have all been great, apart from one who was clearly expecting me to be back-to-normal by now. We had a low-level run in last week when he wanted me to go to the pub and I was having an exhausted day and couldn't, and he didn't get it and was asking why in a very annoyed way, and I felt like I was having a go at me.
I don't have the energy to have it out with him, so a couple of mutual friends are going to have a chat with him. He is quite often a bit irritating and tries to drag everyone out. Usually it washes over me but, again, at the moment I am feeling very sensitive about it and don't have the energy to deal with him. I'm having a break from him without making a big deal of it. Haven't rowed with him, just haven't texted for a bit, and I have loads of other friends who are all fantastic, and lots of company and offers of support when I do feel up to a low-level trip out.
I also keep looking at the limb I've had the surgery on and panicking that it doesn't look like it's supposed to and the surgery will end up being a waste of time - It's still healing and it swells and changes and has all the way along, and I've been told this is to be expected. I know that if anything serious had happened I would be more than aware of it, but it doesn't stop my runaway brain worrying about it.
In short, things are going better than expected at the moment and it won't be very long until I can go back to work, but I'm finding it all daunting and overwhelming, and when little things go wrong they feel very big to me, which is very very unusual for me.
I have very good medical advice, including from people who have known me for years, and they did warn me it would be emotionally very difficult for a while, so I am not worried anything is seriously wrong,
My logical brain knows what's happening: for the first few weeks I was letting everything happen because I was so knackered and didn't have any choice, and didn't have the space in my brain to think about much at all. Now I am still not 100% but my brain has awakened a lot, but not enough to deal efficiently with all the things I'm thinking about. Also, I have a lot of time in my day, plenty of time to dwell, which isn't usual.
And I'm still not as mobile as I usually am, which is REALLY annoying a few months down the line, however predictable it was.
I don't know why I'm posting really except I'd like to know if this has happened to anyone else - if so, please tell me it gets better!
I'm doing what I can: I've booked some gigs and a weekend away to look forward to for several months time when I will definitely be able to do them. I've got books I will enjoy reading and some fun things to do now, as I say I've arranged a chat about work... I see my friends regularly and have as good a social life as I can.
But god, I wish my brain would dial down the anxiety a bit! Anyone else been here?