Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Horrible work situation

31 replies

Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 13:05

I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Boss had been having an affair with a member of staff and left his wife for her. This woman then started seeing someone behind his back and confided in me. Boss found out and they have split. The problem is both have come to me and have been talking about the situation, obviously putting their own spin on things, the boss has intimated that while they were together the woman has been talking about me to him in not a very nice way.

The woman is on annual leave and has called me to ask what he’s been saying. I’m trying to be as non commital as possible and have said I don’t want to be brought into it. Boss said to me that he wants to talk some more about things on Monday .

I’m covering for the woman in her absence and have found that there’s quite a lot of stuff she hasn’t told me about ( I don’t normally have anything to do with her tasks so have been thrown in at the deep end) . I told the boss I was struggling a bit due to not really knowing what I’m doing and he said it’s because the woman doesn’t want anyone to know her job and likes to keep things to herself.

I will tell him that I would rather not be drawn into this as it’s making things awkward.
Is there anything else you would do?

There’s no HR department before anyone suggests going to them.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 28/07/2019 13:36

Awkward!
I suggest you act like a brick wall and do not tell either one what the other has said. Be aware he may be grooming you as a replacement - telling you she was not nice about you would be the ideal way to break up your friendship, but it COULD be true!
I'd start looking for another job, frankly.

FireDoDoDoDooo · 28/07/2019 13:40

You absolutely must tell both of them you won't be discussing it any further. If you cannot face being as blunt as that then you need you change the subject. They are being incredibly unprofessional.

"X, I am sorry you are going through a tough time with Y but I am staying out of it from now on. I don't wish to discuss it further" is how I would do it.

31RueCambon · 28/07/2019 13:42

Omg tell them both straight that they are being unprofessional expecting you to wade in to middle of their personal lives and change the subject.

tectonicplates · 28/07/2019 13:45

Put your foot down more and say in no uncertain terms that you're not prepared to discuss it any more.

Jayaywhynot · 28/07/2019 14:08

Grey rock technique! I googled it this morning after reading the the term on MN, I'm gonna a try it at work tomorrow

Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 14:19

Thanks everyone, I can’t look for another job, I just can’t face the hassle of it. I’ll Google grey rock.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 28/07/2019 14:24

Repeat “I’m really not interested in your private life” any time they talk about it.

Yabbers · 28/07/2019 14:25

Or, get them together. Tell him what she said, her what he said, include the stuff she has supposed to have said about you. Then tell them to sort it out among themselves.

Hidingtonothing · 28/07/2019 14:39

OP you need to take a giant step back here, they're putting you smack bang in the middle of all this and that's a dangerous place to be. I know it's hard to stop yourself getting dragged in but you must, avoid one on one conversations with both of them where possible, change the subject/distract with work issues if you do get cornered and never repeat things they've said to you about each other. I would be worried in your shoes that they will smooth things over and then somehow make you the bad guy so you absolutely need to protect yourself here.

Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 14:39

I’d love to tell them this but haven’t got the nerve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 14:41

Hidingtonothing this is something that I worry about.

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 28/07/2019 14:42

Oh how truly awful. I'm not surprised you don't want to go.
I would speak to both and say you don't want to discuss these matters with them as it's not professional, but that you wish them well.
Then repeat as often as needed, with no exceptions.

Happynow001 · 28/07/2019 14:50

They've both put you in a tough place OP and, whatever the outcome, you are the one who will be placed in the wrong.

In your position I think I'd say (to either/both of them) "I'm sorry you are going through this but I just want to get on with my job" and not get involved in anything not directly involved in purely work issues.

Also avoid seeing either of them outside of work. If possible don't answer your phone outside office hours if you can see who's calling.

Thanks everyone, I can’t look for another job, I just can’t face the hassle of it. I’ll Google grey rock.
If the company is small and/or you can't transfer to another team, looking for a new job may be your saviour so don't rule it out completely as it's likely you'll be in the wrong with them anyway - especially with your boss I'm afraid.

Hidingtonothing · 28/07/2019 14:51

I would be the same OP, hate confrontation. I would just go for a subtle withdrawal from their issues, become busy and distracted by work and stop making it easy for them to offload on you. If either of them question you about the other just be vague 'oh I've been busy, I haven't really noticed' type stuff and change the subject.

It's hard isn't it when you work closely with people, all too easy for personal stuff to get out of hand (I mean you becoming a 'listening ear' here, not the affairs, no excuse for that!) and it can be really difficult to extricate yourself without ruining the working relationship. I wonder if they'd leave you alone if you 'implied' you have your own personal problems and are finding it all too much?

Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 14:52

I do feel as if the boss is trying to get me on his side , I see him as quite controlling. I’m stressed enough with trying to get on with my work and cover my colleagues work. I did almost no work last Friday because he spent nearly all day talking to me.!

OP posts:
Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 14:54

Plus I’m new to the company, only been there a couple of months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 14:59

Would you tell the boss that it has really stressed you out (it has spoilt my weekend) ?

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 28/07/2019 14:59

Too much drama. Too much juvenilia.

Polish your CV and start looking for a new job. This one is never going to go well.

HaileySherman · 28/07/2019 15:02

I'd do my best to stay neutral and DEFINITELY don't participate in anything that could be construed as gossip-y. However the reality of it is (as unprofessional as it is) you've been dragged into it, and you're better off landing on your boss' good side than the coworker's. Especially if you need the job. It sounds slimy, and feels slimy to say, but THEY put you in this position, so do your best to protect yourself, without compromising your integrity

WillLokireturn · 28/07/2019 15:04

I think that @FireDoDoDoDooo's reply is perfect

Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 15:05

The thought of looking for a new job fills me with dread, I’m no spring chicken either Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 15:10

When it all fell apart, other boss said that the woman wouldn’t be able to work there any more , I’m not sure they could actually sack her though, but from what the ‘affair boss ‘ said it looks like she is staying. I don’t want her to lose her job, we get on well apart from this fiasco.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 28/07/2019 15:14

I wish that you could say to them both you want to be kept out of it and for that to be enough but realistically you'll probably have to get a new job.

I know it's shit and so unfair but extracting yourself from the situation is usually the only way to go with toxic people like this, as they won't respect your request to leave you out of it.

Original poster
Candle1000 · 28/07/2019 15:18

I guess I’m in a no win situation. Shit .

OP posts:
Munder · 28/07/2019 16:29

Been in this situation and it did not end well. I wished I stonewalled from the start. Protect yourself. They're the ones behaving dispicably and unprofessionally but it could end up all biting you in the ass.

Stonewall, stonewall and tell them it's nothing to do with you. Say no and walkway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread