When is the right time to tell?

[MiddleClassProblem]

DB was married before, no DC from this marriage. He is now remarried with DC but he is adamant that he’ll never tell them about his first wife. It came up as our DM was married before DF with no DC and we sort of always knew and we were trying to remember when we were first aware of it.
I can’t help but think he’s making the wrong decision. Our knowledge of DM’s ex never really impacted it on us because it was never a thing. It was just a fact like anything else from her past. I can’t imagine if I had heard about it older or from someone else, just how I would have felt. I would never tell him what to do but I can’t help but wonder to myself.
But DB has completely rewritten that chapter of his life anyone to himself and his current wife. He seems to forget we were all there and witnessed it!

When did you tell your DCs about s former marriage? Or when did you find out about a parent’s previous marriage?

I found out when I was about 9 when my auntie showed me her wedding photos and I asked who was next to my dad. (She was lovely apparently!)
It wasn't mentioned and we weren't allowed to ask questions. I once mentioned to a teacher, in a conversation about older parents, that my dad had remarried. My sister was also there and beat me up over it after, how dare I tell people that dad had re-married etc etc. She told my parents and I was grounded for 2 weeks
When my parents moved house I was helping my mum clear stuff out and we found a suitcase that was hers - clothes, hairbrush with some of her hair in it photos. My mum was furious and dumped it all. That must have been at least 25 years after they split or she kicked him out

I've always knows that dad has been married before. Don't remember being told so must of been young. Really don't understand the thinking behind making it a secret as when it comes out as it will it will make it into something much bigger than it actually is.

My OHs aunt was married before her current husband with no children. She has kept it a secret from her children - they are late 30s/early 40s - because she thinks it would upset them

MoltenMountain that’s awful! I don’t understand why they are all so angry about it. SMIL can be quite venomous about MIL, BIL and DH despite claiming DH to be the perfect stepchild when hers where not very nice to FIL. Yet she is quite clearly the love of FIL’s life and no one has ever tried to contest it.

My situation mirrors your DB's. Married twice - 3 kids with 2nd wife but none with the first. I'm divorced from the 2nd if that makes any difference.

My kids know about my 1st wife - her name, her job (midwife) when we divorced. Cant see why you would ever hide that. Its part of your life & you cant airbrush it out of history. What's his reasoning for it...? If it was me I'd have to drop it into conversation sometimes, eg if there is a place they went together (or where they got married) & it crops up on a TV programme I'd be saying....."oh that's where you & xxx went on your honeymoon wasnt it..."

He’s very much rewritten their story, I think because he doesn’t want to upset his 2nd wife. We have never been allowed to talk about 1st in front of 2nd but this has all been instructed through him so I have no idea how SIL actually feels about it. He’s very much talks about it now like it wasn’t a real relationship. I lived with them for 3 years and I can assure you they were like any other couple. He’s lying to himself more than anyone.

I think because we grew up with a similar situation I find it really odd as he has a good example of how it you can do it.

I've always been open and honest and not held back when talking to my dc about my first marriage (no kids), so it's never been a big deal, they know about it's and by doing it this way, it's a non event for them.

This has made me think as to whether my nephew is aware his dad (my brother) was married before.
He knows his mum was, as he has half siblings. My Ex SIL isn't a secret however, I just don't think it will have come up in conversation.

My mum was married before my dad. I found out accidentally when I discovered a hidden wedding album. I went straight to my older brothers and asked them why it wasn't my daddy in the photos!!
We never said anything, but my mum knew as she threw it away or moved it again.

Didn't bother us in the slightest, and if we'd been more aware, would have realised our birth certificates told us shed been married before!

She's a bit of a hoarder, so I also much later found a copy of the divorce certificate. That was more of an eye opener to find out my fairly straight laced parents had had an affair!!

My dad had a wife no DC before my mum- don’t even remember when I found out it was so unimportant

I found out that my mum had been married before she married my dad when I was 18. I only found out then because someone told me they thought my dad wasn't my dad, he was my step-dad and mum had been married before. I jokingly mentioned it to my dad and he confirmed mum had indeed been married before him but he was infact my father.
It took a while longer and a long night of drinking before I could mention it to my mother.
It caused me a great deal of upset at the time, in an already complicated period of my life. This is just one secret in a long list of secrets in my family - on the surface we appear to be quite normal but the reality is totally dysfunctional.

It just seems likely it'll bite him on the arse at some point. It's hard to rewrite history. If one of his children takes an interest in genealogy even when they themselves are a retiree then it'll become evident and most likely he won't be around to explain.

My parents referred to their previous partners in anecdotes or if we did something as a family that called them to mind. Right from when we were 10 or 11 I suppose at the point where kids are beginning to understand adults pair up. These weren't spouses though. I don't think it would have bothered us if they were!

Is it important if there are no children from the relationship.

We haven't told our children - who are now mid 20's - we were married before. Its irrelevant. Neither of us had children. Its just never come up in conversation.

My uncle had a child from a previous relationship who only lived a few days. He only told my cousin about the half sibling that had died when my grandfather passed away and he wanted to put both their names on the death notice. It was very odd.

Secrets really can have power, seems so unnecessary to create secrets.

My parents were married before and never told us. I found out with photos too and they told us when I was an adult. I've always thought it was very odd it was a secret and means I've never felt comfortable talking about relationships with my parents as they were always weird about them. I wouldn't keep it secret from my children if I was previously married.

My best friends mum was married before she met her dad (they are now divorced from each other). My best friend has no idea. I know because our mums became friends and she was often round with a glass of wine or two and very chatty and loud. I also know that she has had a brain tumour in the past, something else she has hidden from her daughter. I wouldn't dare tell my friend because it is none of my business and would damage her lovely relationship with her mum (who I also adore). I just find it very bizarre.

The tumour I understand because we were just kids and she wouldn't want to scare her. The marriage though is nothing to be secretive about.