Question on merging families

[stuckon99percent]

I have ds14 with exp. his new partner has 4 dc and my ds hates them. Any advice on this situation?? On improving the relationship between dc??

How old are they?
Why does your DS hate them?
How often does he see is Dad alone?
How often does he see Dad with the other kids present?

They are 11,8,7 and 5.

Ds says they are annoying and spoilt.

He sees his dad at weekends and usually has to see them too as his dad looks after them while his partner works.

He sees his dad alone one night a week. Ds has said he only goes to ply computer, not to see his dad.

Your ds doesn’t sound especially pleasant
But then it’s not exactly an ideal situation for him

Nothing you can do, other than explain the children are young and he was sometimes annoying too at that age and it’s only one night a week
I wouldn’t make him go if he was adamant he didn’t want to

I'd see if he can see Dad more in the week without the 4 younger children, who must take up the majority of attention if your ex is looking after them alone then.

Then try to see if there are father-son things they can do together? Yes, I know this isn't your job to sort, but it might help your son. eg, bowling, swimming, cycling, gaming together, whatever.

I really don’t blame your Ds for feeling this way at all, I don’t think this makes him selfish or unpleasant.

Imagine if I said to you that four random people were suddenly going to start spending time in your home every week and you didn’t get along with them nor did you want them in your personal space. I get it, I’d have hated it too as a child.

I don’t think blended families are a good thing for children personally, this is why I chose a second husband who didn’t already have children. My ex husband chose a partner who has two children and it has just caused all manner of problems. My DC basically have no relationship with their Dad now because her DC are basically bullies.

At the moment they live separately but not for much longer.

Ex and ds go to them when ex looks after them, they don't go to ex's flat as it's too small. (I don't know why he makes ds go as he's quite happy to leave him home alone when he's at the pub)

Ds has 3 younger half siblings at home with me and gets on with them fine, normal sibling squabbles and his teenage moods. When they are annoying he tells them, they fight, they sulk and make up.

I'm not going to force ds to spend time with his dad but I feel his dads going to choose the partner and kids over ds

Poor child, none of this is his choice. He has been forced into having an array of new children in his life by the choices of his parents. He has no obligation to like them or IMO even have to make an effort with them. It is up to you and his father to ensure that he has sufficient 1 on 1 time with his parents rather than trying to make him fit in with the 'blended' families you have chosen to create through your own desires for relationships.

My family isn't blended (is it?) I met my now DH when ds was 6 months. We married and had 3 children together. Ds has even asked to take dh's surname.

Of course it is blended! You had a child who has two parents, you then moved out of that relationship into a new relationship where you had new children. Your 3 youngest children live in their nuclear family but you first son does not live in his nuclear family, this to my mind is one of many varieties of blended family. In this case your son is the one having to blend into the new family. This will inevitably have an impact on him.

He has probably asked to take DHs surname so it is less obvious to all and sundry that he is an 'outsider' in the family. No doubt he gets on with his half siblings, he has had no other choice.

I wouldn’t force him to go. We have a similar situation although not siblings but still familiar connection. Contact is only forced when it’s large family gatherings. Invitations to smaller things child with definitely be there are normally declined.

The older child really dislikes the younger and the younger finds it hilarious as do the adults to let the younger one be the older ones shadow. Not doing any favours.

@Madfrogs the same happens with ds!

Ex sent me a video of ds playing computer and kids jumping on him. Ds did not look amused but ex text said "jack's having fun 😂"

It’s horrible to watch isn’t it. Everyone else thinks it’s oh so funny when your child is clearly getting more and more distressed and angry.

We have had oh go see boy go play with boy. Then astonished faces at the fact boy has actually gone and locked himself in a cupboard to avoid said child. Even the child’s mother says boy hates him but still encourages her child.

😂?
You find that funny, your DS does not, poor kid.

The emoji is from the ex isn't it?

Yes the laughing face was in the text from ex

@Strawberrycreamsundae, that emoji is clearly part of the text sent by ex to OP as it is within the speech marks.

This is the 7th partner with kids that ex has had in 14 years. Ds has usually got along with the kids, all have been younger than him. Maybe it's ds's age as to why he's not getting along with them??

Maybe he is sick to death of having to keep adapting to his fathers dating life. The damage that this does to children is immeasurable and so often ignored by parents simply pursuing their own wants and needs.

Well his dads just told him to start respecting his partner and her kids because he won't put up with this behaviour anymore. Ds told him "fuck off then we're done" and is currently in his room crying.

He is 14 he doesn't have to go and see his 'Dad', just let him stay at home.

Aww bless him. It's a lot to deal with.

Poor mite. He might be 14 but no child deserves to hear their father pick his current love over him.

You reap what you sow though his loss when his son doesn’t want to know and his Lastest shag bit moves on like the previous ones.

I agree. I especially chose someone who didn't have kids as I didn't want to risk my DC being with other children that would compromise how much she was the priority in my life.

One child means that child is absolute priority, add other children into the mix and they (rightly) need equal consideration and compromises sometimes need to be made.

My child didn't ask for other people who weren't part of her natural family and she had no special bond with to come into her life and she shouldn't suffer any negative consequences that might come about from that

I've had enough of it all now

Ex isn't open to any suggestions of seeing ds alone, he wants them to be "one big family".

Ds has told me to block his dads number like he has.

Ex has said he's not paying for ds's mobile anymore, would it be petty of me to go to cms? Ex is paying over £200 less than why he's meant to