I'm becoming like my Mother and I don't like her

[Coinsandlace]

I'm married with one child. My husband is a good man and I don't have any right to complain about our life together really. Yet for some reason I'm often filled with rage and I'm becoming horrible.

At times, my husband can be frustrating to live with but only over very minor things. Sometimes he is forgetful and sometimes he doesn't listen very well which can be very frustrating in the moment. To be fair to him, it's never over important stuff, bills are all paid on time, doesn't forget key birthdays etc etc. It is usually minor stuff like offering to make a cup of tea and forgetting, or me saying something and him asking again 5 minutes later because he hasn't really listened.

When this happens I find myself snapping at him, even if in public. I don't rage or shout but I make my frustration pretty clear and if I'm honest, I probably talk down to him sometimes.

We went to stay with my parents for the weekend three weeks ago, and it was brought home to me just how much my behaviour is beginning to mirror my Mum's and how much I hated that as a child. My Mum bullies my Dad and he just puts up with it. She really shouts at him in front of others and even pulls this horrible anger face at him where she bares her teeth like an animal to get him to shut up. It's bizarre and horrible and growing up at home I hated it.

I'm not as bad as her yet, I hope, but I can begin to feel myself going down that road and I don't want to be that person. I didn't used to be this bad, but as I've grown older I just feel angrier and angrier and find it hard to keep my temper at times.

I don't know where this baseline rage is coming from. I'm mid 30s which seems early to be peri-menopausal, but I have noticed a slight change in my cycle so maybe that is a factor?

I'm not angry all the time, but there are times I want to tell everyone to go f themselves and go live as a hermit in the woods and I feel that attitude is a part of me now.

I don't really have anything to be angry about. My life isn't easy or stress free but it isn't harder then anyone elses' and I have many blessings, so it wouldn't be fair to say it's circumstantial.

That being said, I have been feeling a bit lost over the last couple of months. I feel like I don't really have a place in the world anymore for some reason. My child doesn't need me as much anymore. I have a part-time job which is fine (can't go full-time for practical reasons) and I do a little bit of volunteer work which I do find satisfying. I still enjoy helping people and get something out of that. But inspite of all this I feel a bit lost still.

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to snap or roll my eyes, but then I find myself starting to lose my shit in Sainsbury's because my husband has asked me what sort of bread he needs to get for the second time.

It's hard not to give in to the anger at times. In a sick way it's almost satisfying in the moment, but then I dislike myself for it afterwards.

I feel that my Mum is a quite unhappy and bitter person and my Dad is in some ways too. I don't want to end up like them and I don't want other people, particularly my child, to see me and think of me the same way others see my Mum - as this horrible women who bullies her family.

Thank you for sticking with me if you've made it this far, but I suppose my question is - if you deal with anger, how do you deal with it without becoming a horrible person.

I could have written this exact post. Even down to the Mum ‘look’. Me and my sisters call it the ‘Cats Arse Face’

I have no help for you I’m afraid

Your father puts up with it, but there's no guarantee your DH will. Don't be surprised if he buggers off and leaves you to it. You need professional help.

Ok there are anger management resources online, maybe have a look. One is about breathing and counting before doing anything. It's good you are self aware.

Sounds like you need to think about what's really important to you, before you became shackled by adult responsibilities. What did you enjoy as a child? What brought you joy? Sport? Art? Baking? Try and reconnect with those things. Do you have reason to be angry? Maybe you do. Being a woman and juggling family life isn't always easy. Can any of these issue be resolved? Why do you get angry?

I second anger management classes. You might want to talk over some strategies with your DH.
Also, there is a genetic component to anger and it can be linked to some health conditions, it would be a good idea to get checked out by your GP.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/03/070309103136.htm

I could have written this a year ago, and still today. Mine is a combination of hormone fluctuations and depression with anxiety. Coming from a home like yours distorts your perception of what a relationship is, my mum and dad were angry people and I hated it, yet it's showing up in my behaviour in front of my son. A mix of changing contraception, anti depressants and some counselling are helping me so far. Good luck, it's horrid to feel Th is way but you're not alone.

(I've nc for this because supporting women to change this kind of relationship dynamic is a large part of my work, I'm 'internet famous' and so this could be outing)

So many women I work with (and see all around me!) are struggling with some degree or other or what you're describing. You're really not alone with this.

So few of us are taught or given role models for how to create intimate, connected, trusting relationships with men.

I would suggest you start with the book Queen's Code by Alison Armstrong, it's cheesily written but stick with it... it and she are GOLD.

Once you've read it you'll probably want to understand how you can become the kind of woman she is talking about (that's what I've seen happen over and over) ... if so, please feel free to PM me and I can suggest next steps in terms of books, podcasts etc.

Lastly, I know it's a cliche but it's a HUGE and meaningful step that you've recognised this and want to change... it is courageous of you and it's a very positive sign in terms of you being able to transform how you're showing up in your relationship.

I could have written exactly this post too. I've been looking into counsellors to work on anger management and trying to not replicate the mistakes both of my parents made.
No help for you but thought I'd confirm you're definitely not alone.

I'm sending you these first because you need them This post made my heart hurt because I relate to every word OP and it's awful to feel this way. I'm going through the same thing, You are not alone. I would advise seeing your Dr, they can give you some numbers of someone you can talk to.. the fact you are super aware of the situation means you can change the outcome. Good luck OP.

I can relate to some parts of this. I don't know if it's useful, but your post really struck a chord, so here's what I've figured out lately.

I used to be terrified I'd be a furious, bitter person like my mum. I'd notice myself doing similar things and be so appalled that I was repeating her pattern. I really felt she was the one at fault in my parents' relationship.

Then, I had a child, and for various reasons, I found myself talking to her more and also seeing her side more. I realised how much was my dad's fault, too. And I realised how much he continues to play the victim while being very controlling. I realised how much we're encouraged to see angry women as automatically wrong.

I'm not saying this is you, or your mum. I don't know you. I can't say. But it is me, and it is my mum. Yes, I definitely don't want to be like my mother, and I am still shocked to my core at how violent she could be and how awful she sometimes was. But I do see more of a sense of why it was happening, now.

Have you talked to your husband about this? You say the issues you have a minor, but - does he know he's annoying you? Does he think it matters? How would he respond if you suggested he do the shopping himself and choose his own bread? How would he feel if you started forgetting things he'd just said?

Take time out with your Dh to stop and smell the roses. Would you like to explore a new hobby together? Explore a new weekend holiday destination together?
On a day to day basis, take turns making each other your favourite dinner and light a. Andle and enjoy a glass of your fav drink. Or on a weekend have a movie night ? Do you love going out fir coffee or Breakfast on a weekend?

Im sure you remember that amazing connection you had when you first met, that had you so happy. Could you make a commitment to see your GP and have full blood examination, get everything checked to make sure your health is tip top, explain you have felt not yourself, irritable and unsure why?
You are already on the right track a million trillion miles away from begaving as your Dm did. First step is recognizing , second step sharing with others and third step exploring reasons why you have been behaving this way, foorth step, doing something to ensure you ate not falling into a pattern of being snappy over trivial boring shit that no- one really cares about.

*candle not Andle

Thank you everybody for your replies. It's made me feel better in a strange way that I'm not alone in this, even though I'm sorry that other people struggle with it too.

I will think about what everyone has said.

Some women get awful PMT. In your case there's probably a genetic link between you and your mother, and the way you react to hormonal changes.

My PMT definitely got worse in my late 30s. Maybe keep a simple diary of days and hours that you feel the 'rage'? Then you can track the triggers and dates and see whether it's hormonal?

I think the PMT. suggestion above is interesting. Evening primrose oil is pretty benign and you could give some of that a go whilst you monitor it

The big thing about tackling learned behaviour is being aware which you are

I think the self awareness is great, good starting point. My DH had an angry father and I have an angry mother, we argue a lot! But we recognise it, talk about it and have tried things like counting, 'stop, breathe, leave' and also finding humour in things and laughing instead, these have all helped and while we still do argue, it is not as tense and easier as we understand each other more.