I messed up and not sure how to fix it

[MyAppleTree]

Firstly a test post to check name change! Don’t want it linked.

Ok so that worked. Forgot “TRIGGER WARNING” in the title so stop reading here if that is an issue.

I’ve got a complicated history, emotionally abusive very long relationship, followed by a very abusive rape last year.

I decided I was well enough to start dating again, not sure even why now tbh, loneliness? Fun, need for emotional connection. Anyway I did. Met a guy, really connected, but very intense and have fallen back into old patterns of a sort of fear of letting anyone in my life down.

We were together for a night over the weekend, following day I was out with a very lovely and supportive friend for the day. It was a day together. But he wanted to come over for the night, texted a lot during the day. She had said originally joking she could meet him so I’d intimated that to him, which then backed me into a corner of saying to come and join us because I was mucking him about (my head not him).

I should have said no, focused on my friend, it was her time. But I didn’t. She hated him, the lack of effort he made to look nice and be sociable. He was pissed off that I should have just said no.

So now she’s not speaking to me properly, she’s really hurt. I’ve apologised profusely but feel like a total shit for letting her down. I’ve asked for forgiveness but not sure she can or will or even should!

He left this morning and because I have the post alcohol blues (I rarely drink, said he could come after I was 3 sheets to the wind and not thinking straight), I feel disconnected from him too, like I fucked up a good potential by seeing him last night. And basically like everyone hates me and they have a right too. I’m not sure he’s open enough emotionally for me, but also shouldn’t be thinking he would be a few dates in FFS.

Don’t even know why I’m posting but everything feels so dark and I’m waiting for my counsellor to text me back. I just want a hug.

Exactly how awful have I been??

I don't quite follow what happened.

I'm not quite sure either.

You were out with a friend, invited the new bf to join, and they didn't get along? Now both are annoyed with you?

What on earth happened for but not sure she can or will or even should! this reaction?

Sorry unclear.

Basically had a day out planned with a friend, just sat in a nice garden with wine.

Simply put Guy I was seeing wanted to spend the evening with me again. After about 6hrs with friend I allowed him to join us and then left to spend the night with him (took friend home first).

I wasn’t focused on her, I prioritised seeing him over staying later with friend I guess.

you should have concentrated on your friend, but whats done is done I'm sure she wont hate you for it.

If your friend is normally nice and supportive I would be more concerned about what it is she doesn't like about him.

I doubt you have been awful at all. It sounds to me like there's not really any evidence that anyone hates you or that you've fucked up, just that your anxieties are telling you that. As you said, you want to please everyone so it sounds like you will be super-sensitive to anything that doesn't feel like people being pleased. Did she really say she hated his lack of effort, or did you read between the lines and worry that was what she was saying?

It sounds a lot to me like Anxiety Monkey is shouting 'SEE - THEY'RE ANGRY, THEY'RE BOTH REALLY PISSED OFF THAT YOU HAVE FUCKED THINGS UP' when, more likely, at worst, your mate didn't especially like your new bloke and he probably felt the same about her, but it doesn't necessarily affect their feelings about you.

What do you mean when you say your friend 'Isn't talking to [you] properly?'

But at any rate, don't go grovelling to her and making a big deal. Maybe let things cool off for you, arrange to meet again and say no more than 'Sorry if I made a mistake inviting Blokey along last time, I thought it was the right thing to do in the moment but it didn't work out, let's meet, just the two of us' and never mention it again unless she feels there is some need to.

Thanks Echo, you are absolutely right it could be the anxiety monkey with him. I need to chill my beans before I do fuck it up. We actually get on extremely well, it’s fun and relaxing and I need to leave it at that.

With her I have apologised, said I fucked up inviting him.

She has made it clear she is really hurting and upset, and yes that she didn’t like that he just wore his shorts and a rugby shirt and wasn’t very polite, wasn’t rude but didn’t want to stay out. Though he did give us a lift home. I’ve really let her down.

If this was you guys, how do you think your friend could make it up to you?

I've had a friend do this to me and it sucks.

There was a group of three of us, I'd been in a relationship for a while but always made sure I spent time with friends separately. Then one friends marriage broke down and she used us as a way to keep her mind off it all - the friendship intensified and we all did a lot of things together.

Then she met her now partner and he seemed to turn up with her whenever we'd arranged things. It was really frustrating and completely changed the mood for things. We'd arrange to go see a girly film and he'd sit in the pub getting pissed and constantly texting her. She'd leave the film early to be with him and then we'd all meet up after the film and he'd be a knob because he was wasted. He'd slag off the place we'd met up (he wasn't from the area) and would get our backs up. And inevitably they'd go home early together. On girls nights out we'd always all stay over at each other's houses to save on taxi's but this changed too and she'd end up leaving early because he was picking her up.

We no longer speak to her because she decided she no longer needed us now she had him.

If you wanna make it up to your friend then have boundaries with this new guy. You don't need to see him all the time. I know it's new and exciting, I've been there, but missing one day, one night, one week of contact with him to prioritise a long standing friendship isn't going to hurt your relationship with him. If he's the one for you then he will know and understand it's important. However, your friend won't understand if you continue to prioritise him over your plans with her. Trust me.

Why is your friend being snobby about his clothes? If it was just chilled drinks in your garden?

Oh sorry, you said "a nice garden". Assumed garden in your home.

Shelli no it was definitely and absolutely a one off, would not be happening again.

Just drunk stupidness, we had had a laugh earlier and the day before saying we should invite him and she’d invite her new guy, but then it all just got a bit stressful.

He won’t be taking over my life and friends, they come first. We are supposed to be on holiday in a couple of weeks!! She just doesn’t believe me now and is really hurt.

Ribena yes a hotel garden, nice one. She just doesn’t think he made an effort but it was as hoc and clothes and stuff don’t really bother me.

I feel really shitty.

You've done nothing wrong. Maybe your boyfriend could feel your friend's judgement and that's why he was acting up?

Sound a lot like you have been struck by The Fear. I'm sure you will feel better this evening/tomorrow latest.

So your friend knew you were inviting him, suggested you both invite partners, and then when you did it she got the arse?! I can understand her perhaps being a little pissed off if it cut short your time together, but you had had 6 hours alone with her, yes? For her to be "hurting" over it sounds like a complete ott reaction. Is she prone to dramatics? And is she always so judgemental of people's clothes?
As for the bloke, chill out, I'm sure he is fine. Has he said anything to make you think he is annoyed? If not just try and calm down and carry on as normal with him.

Sort of a Creme, we had joked about it, and she’d said to, but then didn’t really mean it, and I think she now feels she was pressured into saying yes invite him, but didn’t really mean it. God I don’t know, we’d had a bottle of wine.

She does like people to make an effort in general yes. She’s very very kind though and I owe her a lot.

He said he was going to go home when we got back as I was quiet, that he’d have been perfectly happy not to come if it was going to annoy people. It was just tense.

But he did stay and we had a lovely night, left this morning, has texted since. I think her judgement of him as rude and weird has made me question if he is right for me.

He is offbeat, and probably a bit weird but endearing to me as I have a stupid sense of humour. He’s not rude and I don’t think I can expect some kind of emotional openness just a few dates in!

Maybe it’s THE FEAR and I should just take a breath and do nothing today. My drive function linked to anxiety makes me NEED to fix stuff or, go self destruct and just put the barriers up and call the whole thing off.

My guess is you still have a lot of emotional recovery to do after your abusive relationship. You are focusing too much on not upsetting other people and not giving enough consideration to what you need or want. Make an effort to put yourself first a bit more - if you don't, nobody else will. Nothing that you have described should have been an issue for either him or your friend. You are either imagining slight on their part or they are not the reasonable people you think they are.

True Too, haven’t really considered what I wanted. That’s right back to where I was in marriage. Eggshells to avoid others hurt/reactions. I just want to be happy and feel joy!

His slight is probably in my head. My friend has told me very clearly. And I hate that I’ve let her down. It was a mistake.