I’m at a bit of a crossroads in terms of what I should do regarding my job.
Sorry this is long!
I currently work for the NHS full time in a child and adolescent mental health type role. I earn a good wage having properly grafted to get to where I am now for some years.
I have a child and a partner who currently works in a low paid temp/dependant on work for the company coming in job but is (hopefully) working his way up. For the last few years I have been the only/main breadwinner as we have only been together a few years and he moved to be with me. Single mum for years before that. So been working/studying flat out on my own since DC was small to better things for the two of us. Also gone through serious upheaval and bad stuff in my personal life (everything fine now) but this has a lasting effect on my own mental health. Have lost out money wise partner moving in but this is offset by everyone being happy, feeling more emotionally secure and settled. Is however more of a strain financially as he has only in the last year been working due to struggling to find something in his field. He is fab and supportive though.
With the NHS the way it is, my job is incredibly stressful – with the (in my opinion) mental health crisis in children and young people worsening, and massive cuts to services, I feel like I am firefighting and letting families down on a daily basis with little to offer other than a waiting list and crisis info for while they are waiting (a long while). As seen in the news, demand for help has increased and cuts mean less to offer, to be honest it feels like the threshold for support has gone so high, and I am seeing really distressed people all day and processing their trauma with, I feel, little or nothing to offer in terms of the support they need. I also work these days in isolation in a room without a team around.
I get very anxious going into work to the point where I have been prescribed beta blockers for panicky symptoms, I don’t tolerate anti-depressants so can’t take them. I cry going home a lot of the time and take till Saturday mid-morning to feel okay at weekends and be able to feel normal and be with my family. I wake up in the night thinking about the children and some of the things they and their parents have told me – I won’t go into them here but they are very dark.
I am constantly worried about children I’ve seen killing themselves before they get support, I have bad dreams about some of the things they have said. I thought I just needed to cope better but starting to see that the system is broken. Lots of managers focused on targets. Children getting as little as possible due to resources.
I have handed in my notice as I don’t feel I can do this anymore. I also wanted to be around for my DC as they are nearing teen years and I feel like I have been work work work most of their life. I want something term time and also want to study something that means I could work for myself flexibly in the future.
Thing is that work have offered me loads of stuff to stay. Term time, part time. I’ve been really tempted as I need a good wage to support my family. I just don’t know what the best thing to do is, When I handed in my notice I started to feel normal again and like a weight had lifted as I wouldn’t have to keep doing this work but now there is a chance I might be staying the weight has come back, I am back on the beta blockers for work days.
I don’t know what to do. I need the money. I have been through so much and I don’t want to waste even parts of my life feeling stressed and anxious as everything else is now good. Do I stay and try to change things? I really want to make a difference to kids’ lives. Do I cut my losses for my health? What if I am making the wrong decision?
If anyone has any advice it would be very welcome, I am tying myself in knots trying to work out what is the best thing to do.
TLDR : Work is really stressful but well paid and I have worked hard to get here, do I leave and do something less stressful and be around for my DC or stay and suck it up?