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Original poster

DD11 doesn't want to speak to or see her dad

20 replies

KurriKawari · 22/07/2019 09:30

ExH lives in another city. We share the school holidays, he doesn't see her any other time. We have been apart since 2010, my life with him was very hard but I've tried to shield DD from that. His family are toxic. He loves DD, they talk on the phone alot. He doesn't pay maintenance and is awkward about so many things that cause undue stress for both me and DD.

DD has always been ok about going to stay with him. However now she is adamant she is no longer speaking to him on the phone or going to stay with him. She cuts off the phone when he rings. Cries at the suggestion of going to stay with him. I've tried speaking to her calmly and reminding her how much she loves him. She tells me that he hasn't 'done' anything to upset her. Her reason for not going is that he doesn't do anything like normal dads do, he doesn't support us, he isn't there for us. She is well aware of my financial struggles without me having to say. Everything she says about him is true, but I dont say that to her.

She's got a lot going on at the moment. Last week at primary school, starting secondary school in September (which none of her friends are going to), early stages of puberty etc etc. Also her life is very much here with me, her school, her friends, her cousins, her clubs- all of which she really misses when she is with him.

However I feel really stuck in the middle. DD has told me she doesn't want to even discuss it anymore so why do I insist on upsetting her by talking about it. And exH is messaging me to talk her around. I've tried to talk her around it's not happening, and if I carry on pushing her it will spoil our relationship.

Would you carry on pushing the issue with DD and upset her? Can he do anything to make me/her talk to him on phone or go to stay with him?? What would a solicitor or the courts say?

OP posts:

howdyalikemenow · 22/07/2019 09:33

No I wouldn't. She's made her feelings clear. And you've done the best you can. If it went to court they would very much take her views into account and take a Dim view that he isn't paying maintenance.

Simply tell him that's her decision and refuse to engage if he rants

FogCutter · 22/07/2019 10:00

I think she's old enough to make her own decision about whether she wants contact with her dad or not. It sounds like she's seen through him as a pretty shit parent- very little time spent together, no financial contributions etc.

It's not your role to 'talk her round', you cannot force her to see him.

Knickersononeshead · 22/07/2019 10:03

She's old enough to make her own decision regarding seeing her dad or not, but, she has to "own her shit" as we say in this house. She needs to be the one to say to him that she doesn't want to go and not just cut off the phone / ignore him.

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Dowser · 22/07/2019 10:06

Agree with howdy.
It’s a horrible situation your daughter is in
She is entitled to her own life. These sperm donors cannot see that but they try to force contact.

They cannot see if the child really wanted to be with them, they’d be running to them.

No doubt he will go to court, get a court order to enforce contact and then she will be made to go whether she wants to do it or not.

My dil lost her children through this as have thousands of others.

The court system sucks.
They must listen to. What thechildren are telling them.

Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2019 10:14

No. What's the point making her unhappy and resentful? If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go. The ball's in his court. He could come and visit, talk to her, see if there's another way round it. I doubt he'd go to Court. She's nearly 12, the age when kids are listened to.

Satsuma1234 · 22/07/2019 10:17

Leave her. I made the decision to stop contact with mine when I was 12.

I was dragged through courts and saw lawyers and it was horrendous. That was a long time ago though. She’s made her feeling clear. Support her.

CupoTeap · 22/07/2019 10:19

I would suggest letting it go for now, let her finish school and have a week off. Then bring it up. It's a tough time for her.

But do tell her anytime she wants to talk you will listen.

Original poster

KurriKawari · 22/07/2019 10:29

Thank you so much it's really appreciated. I don't like seeing her upset. Am lucky that we have a great relationship and she will talk to me, I don't want to sour that for him. He knows she safe and well with me, and has lots of people who love her and take care of him. DD is a mature and sensible kid and I need to respect her decisions.
Thank you.

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 22/07/2019 10:32

He only sees her once a year? How far away does he live? Doesn’t pay maintenance? That’s not a dad it’s a casual acquaintance. Leave her be, you can’t force her to like him.

Nanalisa60 · 22/07/2019 10:37

This is really hard!! I would play it like this could you go to your dads as it will help me financially, also I would ask the ex to take her shopping when he has her and get him to buy all the new cloths shoes and every thing she needs to start new school. This might help her if she thinks her dad is helping with buying this for her so you don’t have to worry about buying them. Also explain to the ex that’s she is upset as she feels that he is not contributing to her financially. Maybe he could write a couple of cheques for her activities that she does. My ex husband never gave me any money but would happily buy the boys there cloths!! School uniform, sports equipment and pay for there school trips and any sports activity’s.

Original poster

KurriKawari · 22/07/2019 10:53

bookworm any school holidays he takes her for half. Do one when holiday he might have her first three days. In six weeks school holidays he has her for two weeks. No other visits or weekends. He lives two hours away and is always welcome to come take her out, but doesn't. "Casual acquaintance" is probably right. She sees her male cousins, uncles and grandad as father figure more than him I think. He has an open door to be a dad but chooses not to.

nanalisa60 this is a man who runs rings around child maintenance, I have a box full of letters from them.

OP posts:

Nanalisa60 · 22/07/2019 11:11

I fully understand that he is not paying you any money my boys dad would not give me a penny !! But he would pay for activities by writing the cheque and giving it to the boys directly, same with the stuff they needed he would take them shopping himself and buy what they need.He would pay the school directly for schools dinners and trips when they got older her gave them allowance each month. My ex just would not give me money so when the boys needed or wanted to do something I would say I can’t afford it!! Ask your dad I’m sure he will pay for it!! And ha ho he did. I think he always thought that if he had given me money somehow it might have been spent on me and in no way was I getting a penny of his money. Also u need to tell him if he does not start contributing by buying her the things she needs and by paying for her activities himself then he might lose her as it upsets her.

Bookworm4 · 22/07/2019 11:16

What a selfish man, it’s his loss, your daughter is obviously smart enough to have figured him out.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/07/2019 11:28

She needs to tell him, perhaps she could put it all down in a letter for him as that might be easier for her than face to face. It sounds to me that he's getting what he deserves for being such a poor father.

WitchSharkadder · 22/07/2019 11:37

I think she's old enough to have her decision respected. You've tried to discuss it with her multiple times and she's stood firm so it's not a one off 'I'd rather do X with my friends this time' type thing.

FWIW, I was the same age as your DD when I made the decision to stop seeing my father (for very similar reasons too, I realised he wasn't a Dad in any meaningful way). He did take it to court and I had to have a meeting with a social worker to discuss my reasons. It was all absolutely fine, I wasn't scared and they agreed I was old enough to make my own decisions on the matter.

llangennith · 22/07/2019 12:54

@KurriKawari you are certainly not stuck in the middle. You should be firmly on the side of your daughter. By not supporting her you are causing her more stress and anxiety.
Tell her father she doesn't want to see him. No court would force her at age 11.
The get the maintenance sorted through the appropriate agency.

Frith2013 · 22/07/2019 13:03

No, you respect her view.

And apply for maintenance immediately.

Frith2013 · 22/07/2019 13:06

My son stopped seeing his dad aged 13. I said you may have to talk to or write to the court, if your father pursues it that way. Son agreed. Never heard a thing!

Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2019 17:32

Its the child's right to see it's father, not the father's right to see the child!

Lllot5 · 22/07/2019 19:46

Nah fuck him.
Don’t make her go if she doesn’t want to.

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