Philosophical #argumentative #answerforeverything DD

[Dibles]

It's got to the point, where if I ask my 20yr old DD to pick up her empty glass on her way out of the lounge to the kitchen. It's seemingly turns into a F philosophical debate that could take 10 mins! (seems like an hour and I am left drained). I am chronically ill, a long term asthmatic steroid user that has delightfully given me painful osteoarthritis. At 46 am menopausal & have depression. All of which she's well aware of. She doesn't drive, has no intention of learning to drive, has a boyfriend who lives out in the sticks. it's a 40 mins round trip for me and an hour and a half trip for her. AIBU to not offer a lift when asked (I've never said no,) if I don't feel as if I can ask her to do a simple thing? Ultimately, I'm happy to help her out but am fed up with the giving, without reasonable consideration and respect on her part. Main aim is to have her care enough to be helpful, kind, and considerate.

She's an adult. She should be contributing to the running of the household by now. Does she have a job?

She has in the past, is about to go into her 3rd year at Uni. She volunteers, and is dong a couple of internships over the summer. Not home all the time, but when she is, it's like my post says. She's good with money and doesn't smoke, or drink much, is low maintenance, not materialistic.

@ContactLight she's a bit like the tale goes 'there once was a girl with a little curl, when she was good she was very very good.' (Which is most of the time,) but when she was bad was was a right pain in the A!! I don't expect her to be perfect, just kind and reasonable.

You say she is low maintenance but on the other hand you seem to be doing everything for her, including driving her everywhere because she isn't bothering to get her license. She isn't "low maintenance" at all - but you just do everything for her and can't ask her to do a simple thing.

As long as you keep doing everything for her, and never ask her to do anything, nothing will change. She has learned that if she debates every issue, you'll give in and do everything to avoid problems.

I'd certainly stop driving her everywhere - NOW. She is 20 and it's time she learned the adult skill of driving. Don't offer to teach her - that would definitely lead to tears ! Just tell her bluntly that you won't be driving her around any more , end of story.

I'd also stop cooking and cleaning for her. Give her a laundry basket for her room and tell her that in future she can do her own washing / ironing. Don't comment about it again, or indulge in any "philosophical discussions" on the subject. Same with meals - make a rota and tell her that in future you will cook every alternate night ( or whatever) and she'll be doing the other night. Once again don't talk about it, just tell her and don't get into any debate about it. Then when it's your turn to cook, do it, and when it's her turn, you do nothing except to ask sweetly "what's for dinner ?". If she makes a big thing about it, just make yourself some grilled cheese and ignore her.

She is old enough to do her share around the house since she is an adult and living there. You sound as if you are tired , and can't fight this argumentative girl. She knows how to push your buttons and get you do perform for her -- stop responding, stop "just doing everything" and get some life back for yourself. Best wishes to you.

Dear @seaeagle thank you for your message. She does do her own laundry, and cooks for herself a lot. She's vegan, and we have cut down a on a lot of animal products as a family to be supportive and it's good for our health too (so not entirely selfless). It's just things like disrespecting the communal spaces refusing to keep her drying towels / clothes in her room. (when they are dry they could stay there for days). our bathroom doesn't have the space for them so she wants to drape them over the landing. I don't want the landing to look like a laundry. Every day she takes her shoes off by the sofa & leaves them there, I put them by the front or back door. I know it's not the end of the world, but it's SO ** irritating! My end goal is for her to care about, my feelings, that they matter, and be considerate.