Needy or normal?

[NameChangerDanger]

Our DDs are 2 and 4. We (DH and I) are really struggling with their constant need for attention and stimulation.

I think they have a pretty lovely life and plenty of attention. Their week looks like this:

Mondays- playgroup (with me) AM, home PM (craft, films, picnics, a bit of CBeebies)
Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays- nursery, which they enjoy (I work)
Fridays- ballet AM, home PM
Saturdays- Swimming AM, garden or outing PM. Family meals.
Sundays- family outing (National Trust, lunch, visiting friends or family etc.) and meals together

Holidays are really child friendly. Disneyland Paris the last 2 years.

They are utterly incapable of entertaining themselves for any length of time. Even if they watch TV they want me/us there. The whingeing and squabbling is ridiculous and I dread the interrogation from my 4 year old about what we are going to do every morning.

They’re confident, chatterbox kids with great social skills so it’s not an anxiety thing at all. We do discipline. Whingeing has consequences (they are warned and then we won’t engage with them until they stop) but they are not getting it.

Is this normal? Are they spoilt for attention? Or deprived of it? Am I deluded in thinking that they could entertain themselves for the odd 20 minutes here and there while we actually try to achieve something (tidy up, make a nice dinner) or heaven forbid, go to the toilet or just sit down?

I’m mostly bothered about the 4. I know she can do it. She sits beautifully with a colouring book for 30 minutes during her sister’s ballet lesson, but she won’t do anything of the sort at home. The 2 year old is obviously still very young and is actually better on her own, but gets set off by her sister.

I think they need the skill of entertaining themselves and worry we’re failing them.

I can sympathise, I have a 5 year old DD and a nearly 2yr old DS. My DD is much more attention seeking then the 2yr old, and wants entertaining alit of the time. I think it's where she was used to having us to herself before DS came along and stole her limelight. It sounds like you do a lot with them already, more then what I imagine a lot of parents can/will do but are you able to do something with just the older one, maybe she gets a trip to the cinema with just here and mum/dad for one to one time but when you get home she has to play nicely in her room/in the garden etc. While the grown ups do what they need to. I was hoping it would get better when DD went to school and learnt that she needs to share the adults attention with other kids but so far it hasn't really made a difference

All the activities you mention are "external" aren't they- that isn't the same as having your attention.

Maybe they actually do just want you- your undivided attention for a while like siitng and reading a book with them for 10 mins- having you all to themselves for a little bit.

No criticism btw- I'm only saying this because my DD always asks me to sit and listen to her read if she really wants me- because she knows I "down tools" to do that with her iyswim. Whereas if I'm cooking or somethingand she wants me go and "see what she's watching" I tell her I'm busy (sometimes) because Cat and Sam do my head in!

I have a 3 year old boy.
He usually does 3 long days nursery, 1 day with my DM, and either has a fun outing or comes and does errands (church, supermarket etc) with us at the weekend.

When he's at home he just wants to chill/potter. He will happily play with his trains and cars for 1h + at the time without wanting us to play with him (I usually pop in and out of the room, or I could be working on the lap top, and he might ask for a drink or to go for a wee but he doesn't actually want anyone to play with him)

I gather he's unusual for his age (nursery comment on how good his concentration/role play skills are) but I think he's just got an introverted personality type like me...he enjoys it while he's there but he comes home sometimes and says he's had a long day and how noisy nursery is!

So basically he's the pre-school equivalent of someone who comes home from work and watches tv/reads/potters in the garden and doesnt want to see anyone all weekend

I think your DDs are more usual. DH is a more extroverted type and he still follows me around the house chatting.

It will come. They are still v small, my 5yo ds3 has only been happy to potter about at home without my constant- ish attention for the last few months.

They’re not what I would say are “external” activities. I play with them at playgroup (playdough, drawing, singing), we get in the water with them at swimming, I do their ballet classes with them. The craft is with us all sat round a table. The weekend outings are certainly not attention outsourced in any way!

I do think the introvert/ extrovert thing is interesting. DH and I are both introverts. I think the kids have got a stray extrovert gene and just draw their energy from others. They are fabulous when we go to gatherings with other kids (often!) and that is our relaxation time!

Doing things with just the 4 year old is definitely something I want to try. We can’t do a lot of things when DD2 is around because she’ll run off with puzzle pieces or knock down the building blocks. We do split them up at bedtime when DH is home, so they have 20-30 minutes of stories and cuddles with just one of us and they love that.

Cinema is top of my list. I was waiting for Frozen 2, but think that’s too far away.

Personally think it's more to do with how demanding kids can be of us if we are the sort of person who is not demanding of others and needy. I am the least needy and as independent as possible. Couldn't bare it when my DSs were younger and needy. I realise it's my problem not theirs but it's still difficult. 😉

One piece of advice I thought was ridiculous but now agree with us, they are young for such a short time, don't stress they will be fine.

With my DDs I gradually extended the time.
So
'you start painting, I'll come and look when I have ironed this shirt' (3 mins)
lead on to 2 shirts, 3 shirts.

Then you do X and then if you do that nicely on your own letting me have my cup of tea, afterwards we can do Y together.

You’re probably right Dogsandboys

Thinking back to my childhood, there was a reverse situation. DM is a huge extrovert and was always on at me about “vegetating” (I still hate that word) and not spending enough time with friends. It made me pretty insecure about my social standing, though I know now that wanting to spend time alone is not a character flaw!

I’ve done pretty well for myself despite what my mother considered to be an abnormal preference. I’m sure my girls will find their way and I’m not actually prone to worry much about them. It’s just that this drives me crazy too!

Totally normal. They want to be with you.

Make the most and get them helping with chores. They'll slow you down for now, but you'll reap the benefits when older and they can do it on their own.